Keith Hernandez Is 'Testy'

In the latest installment of our ongoing series, "Professional Athletes: They're Just as Irrational As Us!" Keith Hernandez brings every Met fan's pain to the booth with him. Big thanks to the New York Daily News for chronicling Hernandez's madness during last night's 7-6 Mets win over the Marlins:

At one point, Gary Cohen described Hernandez as "testy." Testy? Please. This guy was in the mood for mayhem. It started early with Hernandez (fourth inning) saying Florida "is sleepwalking, that's all there is to it," before destroying Marlins second baseman Dan Uggla after he committed a throwing error.

"We've seen enough of Uggla," Hernandez said. "That's just all about baseball instincts. He doesn't have any."

The bashing continued in the fifth. A jubilant Chris Seddon appeared on the screen, toweling off in the dugout after being lifted with only 75 pitches under his belt.

"Why is he smiling? He should be saying: 'Leave me in. I'm not tired.' It's just absolutely amazing," Hernandez said. "... Lowering the bar, across the board."

And that was Keith being tame. Later, he flipped out on Mets third base coach Bo Porter and reminisced on almost assaulting a 14-year old kid:

Linden wound up being thrown out the plate, trying to score from second, by Moises Alou, giving Hernandez another opportunity to vent.

"What in the world is third base coach Bo Porter doing here?" an incredulous Hernandez asked. "I've seen more shoddy third base coaching on the major league level the last three years than I have in my entire major league career."

Not all Mex's targets were on the field. He told a story (fifth inning) about going to a bookstore and cutting in front of a group of teenagers to pay for a newspaper.

"I said, 'I'm sorry, did I cut in front of you? The kid goes, 'Yeah, you just did.' I almost got in his face. He was a smart you-know-what," Hernandez said. "I just bit my tongue. That all I needed to do, beat up a 14-year-old. I can see the headlines: Hernandez sends 14-year-old to the hospital."

Cohen: "How about Hernandez arrested for assault."

So there you have it, Mets fans: Keith Hernandez is just as worn down, as angry, and as anxious about the Mets' postseason chances as you are. Now, if only there were a contest for Mets Nation President; Keith would win in a landslide.