The Dugout: Frank Wren Year One

Sometimes it feels worse to see a horrible thing happen to your friend's team than it does to see something horrible happen to your own. What's worse than that is seeing the very same horrible thing that happened to your team happening to your friend's team. That's what happened today. Jon Bois, one of the guys who does The Dugout with me, is a Braves fan. I'm an Orioles fan.

A few years ago we got General Manager Frank Wren. We'll refer to him as "a rhino that got loose in my house." When he was smashing up my house I could just go, "oh, my house!" Now the rhino has burst through my living room door and trampled everything he could trample on the way to my friend's house down the street. I can go "DUDE LOOK OUT, RHINO" as much as I want, but apparently everyone else on the street (Major League Baseball and those that comprise it) chuckles to themselves and asks, "what rhino?" THE RHINO, YOU GOONS, THAT ONE, RIGHT THERE

The Dugout

	SchuerholzInCharge: Bob, I'm glad to hear that you'll be back for at least another year in the dugout, but you'll be doing it without me. I'm leaving my post as GM to become Team President.
	bobbycoxer: WHAT WHAT WHATTTT
	Online Host bobbycoxer has been ejected from the chatroom. Online Host bobbycoxer has entered the chatroom!
	bobbycoxer: aw fiddlesticks John, why'd you go and say a thing like that? After alls we've been through!
	SchuerholzInCharge: I know, Bob, I know. I've been through a lot in my day. I built the 1985 Kansas City Royals and the 1995 Atlanta Braves. Gave championships to cities that hadn't ever seen them. Wrote a book. Had a kid in the minors.
	SchuerholzInCharge: It's amazing when you think about it, 14 consecutive division titles!
	bobbycoxer: /pats back I hear you, friend. It was a hell of a ride.
	SchuerholzInCharge: And you've been with me the entire trip, buddy, and that means a lot. I'll never forget your friendship and your loyalty. You're a good man and a great coach.
	bobbycoxer: Couldn't have said it better myself! Heh; so who's replacin' you? Somebody great I s'pose!
	SchuerholzInCharge: oh, hahah, oh god, hold on, I can't wait to see the look on your face
	bobbycoxer: what what's going on
	Online Host BenjaminFrankwren has entered the chatroom!
	bobbycoxer: WHAT WHAT WHATTTT
	Online Host bobbycoxer has been ejected from the chatroom. Online Host bobbycoxer has entered the chatroom!
	BenjaminFrankwren: hey guys, what's going on in this chatroom
	SchuerholzInCharge: Yep, Frank freaking Wren is going to be the new GM of the Atlanta Braves
	FrancoeuAmerican: Well this doesn't seem so bad! What a handsome young professional! What are your qualifications?
	bobbycoxer: STOP IT NO ITS A TRAP
	BenjaminFrankwren: Why thank you for asking! I was an assistant director for the Montreal Expos, which, in technical terms, means I put on the Youppi head and danced for the pleasure of babies and the elderly until the franchise folded for being so godawful and for playing in a stadium that is the creative and physical equal of the Sun Sphere from the "Bart on the Road" episode of the Simpsons.
	BenjaminFrankwren: Then I became Assistant General Manager for the Florida Marlins, a team whose great successes have been paid for with the gross budget of a teen working part-time at the Burger King. In fact, my knowledge there will allow for a 90% paycut across the board in Atlanta. Jeff, from now on you're going to be paid on a pay-for-play basis!
	FrancoeuAmerican: what does that mean
	BenjaminFrankwren: lol don't worry about it
	BenjaminFrankwren: Shortly after my storied run in Florida I became the General Manager of the Baltimore Orioles! That made me the one who oversaw trades, free-agent signings and other roster decisions. I used this power to sign an underperforming, universally hated Albert Belle, and one time I ordered a charter to leave without Cal Ripken because he was late.
	BenjaminFrankwren: My first order of business as the GM of the Braves is to SIGN JEFF CONINE. If he ever retires or leaves or is traded, we shut down everything until we get him back. DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME
	FrancoeuAmerican: uh yes sir, but I'm not really in charge of that, I mostly am in charge of part of the outfield
	BenjaminFrankwren: No, I totally understand. /looks at watch Robert, my second order of business is to dig a hole, put Jeff Francoeur in said hole, and then fill said hole with dirt.
	bobbycoxer: AWWW HERE IT GOES

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Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)

10-11-2007 @ 8:51PM

Jammer said...

I love The Dugout, but rarely do they make me laugh out loud. This one had me straight up LOL several times.

And Wren's SN is too perfect. I can just imagine that idiot of a GM actually pronouncing Benjamin Franklin just like his own name.

10-11-2007 @ 9:17PM

Matt_T said...

I can't wait until they trade Chipper Jones to the Brewers for 3 crappy players who don't even play for the Brewers

10-11-2007 @ 9:25PM

Pat Lackey said...

When some poor team hires Dave Littlefield to work in their front office I'm going to start screaming, "THE RHINO, YOU GOONS! THAT ONE RIGHT THERE!!!"