GoldBonds: dear men and citizens of san francisco giant california, my name is barry bonds and he, meaning me but less personal, has played for your baseball club for fitteen years

GoldBonds: barry bonds has been selected to 14 all star games, has obtain't a record seven league mvp awards, an has been awarded eight golden gloves... but, pisshhh, whatever

i have brought you here today to watch me walk the ethereal tightrope betwixt passive aggression and unbridled arrogance

GoldBonds: the harrowing progression of time has nothing to do with barry bonds; the fact that his knees are now doorknobs with laffy taffy wrapped around them also has nothing to do with barry bonds - in fact, very little has to do with barry bonds

GoldBonds: the floor recognizes that lady wit dem thangs

Reporter: Mr. Bonds, would you play for $5 million and bat fifth for San Francisco if that were an option for 2008?

GoldBonds: i told peter mcgowan, i told him, "you are gowan to let barry bonds bat in fourth place or he will bust you up," for i mean, think of it

if barry bonds is a part time player an he is still better than your full time player it is a wise idea to keep him an let him play part of the time, if barry bonds was in charge of the giants they would have won a world series by now, always having barry bonds sit on his bench in favor of the white people

GoldBonds: did i say white people i meant "the inferior players"

GoldBonds: oh i'm sorry did barry bonds specify white people, he meant to say "every man he has met or played amongst in the game of baseball"

Reporter: so you're saying you hate white people

GoldBonds: white people have nothing to do with barry bonds

bud_is_wiser: /meekly raises hand

GoldBonds: who the [fudge] is this [cornbread] [associate of my mother]

how did your city let this man so close to barry bonds

Reporter: If you could go back and change one thing about your experience in San Francisco, what would it be?

GoldBonds: well tammy or whoever, it is very similar to the episode of full house whereupon the delightful michelle tanner joins a soccer team; in her urgency to perform at a high level she begins to succumb to high pressure performance enhancers such as well-tied shoelaces

GoldBonds: during the climax of the dramatic structure michelle mistakenly runs the 'wrong way' on the soccer field and scores a goal for the opposing team by kicking it past that lil gay fella what looked like a slicked back macauly culkin

GoldBonds: thereabout earning the nickname 'wrong way tanner'

Reporter: what are you talking about

GoldBonds: the words barry bonds is trying to bust up is, i would not have let myself properly tie my shoelaces just to score a bunch of goals, because then the major league baseball equivalent of stephanie wouldn't have had to show me videotape of my family's blunders, aka the last 15 years of giants baseball, to make me feel better about myself

GoldBonds: /scratches nose

bud_is_wiser: yeah wait, did you just admit to doing a bunch of drugs and feeling bad about it?

GoldBonds: no further questions your honor

i mean "you all"