Boom, Bust or Bobby Bonilla: Corey Patterson

"Boom, Bust, or Bobby Bonilla" takes a look at MLB's Free Agents and the teams who need them in 2008.

I come not to praise Corey Patterson but to bury Juan Pierre. Last year at this time the Dodgers were preparing to sign Pierre to a five-year, $45 million contract to play centerfield for them. The main reason for the contract seems to be that Pierre steals a lot of bases. It can't be his skills at the plate. After all, Pierre struggles to get on base with any regularity, has no power to speak of and isn't anything to write home about in the field. Patterson gets on base with even less frequency than Pierre but he does have a bit of pop in his bat and steals a fair number of bases. So why no megamillion contract offer for Patterson?

Ignoring the obvious reason -- he's not that good a player but, again, neither is Pierre -- I think it has something to do with Pierre's name. He sounds like the product of a torrid affair between a Haitian man and Dominican woman who crossed borders and family feuds to find love on the island of Hispaniola. I'm writing a screenplay about just such a coupling called "Hispaniola Nights" and hope to get Salma Hayek to play Pierre's mother.

I realize she's not Dominican but the chance to be in such a classic story of triumph over adversity is up the alley of any thespian. Patterson's story is lacking that poetic flair. He's had a couple of good seasons but never made good on the promise he showed as a minor leaguer in the Cub system. But when you break everything down he's not all that much worse than Pierre. Could it be that his name is just too mundane to get the big money deal?

I know its a stretch but I can't imagine Pierre would have signed such a lucrative contract if his name was John Peters. Something about that name has enabled him to overcome his glaring shortcomings as a baseball player. Perhaps if Corey Patterson's name was Jean Pedro he would be sifting through offers right now instead of waiting for the minor league contract or non-roster invitation to Spring Training that seems to be his best chance of making a major league roster next season.