The Dugout: The River

Joe Kennedy wasn't a superstar. He wasn't Buck O'Neil, he wasn't Kirby Puckett, he wasn't even really Cory Lidle. So what do you say when he goes? You loved him. You send your condolences. You will keep his family in your prayers. But what does that do? There's Joe Kennedy. Joe Kennedy is dead. But where's the thing that made him move? It had to be something, didn't it?

Joe Kennedy finds his place in today's Dugout, after the jump. Rest in peace, friend. We're sorry to see you go.

The Dugout

	MrKennedy: Is anybody there? Hello?
	MrKennedy: .... anybody?
	Online Host Joe Kennedy is standing on the banks of an expansive river, staring into darkness and silence.
	MrKennedy: What happened to me? Hello? Can somebody please tell me what happened? Where am I?
	MrKennedy: /sits down, shuffles feet If this is some kind of joke...
	HeyVern: It ain't a joke, kid. Look out there. I think you died.
	MrKennedy: Died? I died and went to a river? Who am I, Bruce Springsteen?
	HeyVern: I don't know what to tell you. I pitched in the big leagues for eleven years, grew to be an old man, died. Woke up here a while back. Never could let myself go with the ferryman. I just got my youth back, I don't want to go givin' it up that easy.
	MrKennedy: The ferryman?
	HeyVern: /points An evil fella, pale skin, boney, icy hands. Paddles up every now and again to take folks like you and me to the other side. Y'see that darkness over there? That's Heaven. At least, one kind of Heaven.
	MrKennedy: Heaven? /stands up /stands on tip-toes to see farther Why wouldn't you want to go on across to Heaven?
	HeyVern: Can't explain it, kid.
	MrKennedy: And... and hey! We both played ball, right? So across there must be... wait a minute... /takes off hat /smiles
	MrKennedy: I'm still wearing my A's hat! Is that Athletics Heaven over there? Do I get to meet Catfish Hunter? And Connie Mack?
	HeyVern: Not quite.
	MrKennedy: Well... okay, I guess the hat doesn't matter so much. I played for a lot of teams. Are we in Rockies Heaven? Devil Rays Heaven? Would something Devil have a Heaven?
	HeyVern: Nah, Rays Heaven is being set up now. Sinners have to sit in an enclosed box and stare at a fish tank and a big orange for the rest of their existence.
	MrKennedy: Oh. Blue Jays Heaven? I didn't end up in Diamondbacks Heaven, did I?
	MrKennedy: Well what team did you play for? You don't have a logo on your hat. Did you play for one of those teams in the sticker books or boxes of macaroni and cheese?
	HeyVern: I got around. White Sox, Tigers, Senators, Indians. Browns. The Phillies. The Reds.
	MrKennedy: What the hell? Did I go to some kind of journeyman Heaven? Is Bip Roberts up here somewhere?
	MrKennedy: What the hell... /sits back down
	HeyVern: I'll be frank with you, kid. You were what, 20 years old?
	MrKennedy: 28. I had a wife. A one-year old. /turns around, looks wildly oh God
	HeyVern: Calm down. But think about it. You were gettin' paid to play ball. You had the love of a woman, you had a baby. How much more of a Heaven could you've ran off to?
	HeyVern: Listen. There. Across the river. You can hear people talking.
	MrKennedy: What? /stands up again
	Online Host Across the River...
	JFK: I, ER UH, BELIEVE THAT A CHILD MISEDUCATED IS A, UH, CHILD LOST
	RFK: LET THE RECORD SHOW THAT I, UH, ALSO BELIEVE IN THE BETTERMEN OF OUR MISSING CHILDREN
	MrKennedy: Is that Mayor Quimby? Did Mayor Quimby die?
	HeyVern: That's not - ... that's President Kennedy, son, and his brother Bobby. They were both important men. God, they were. And they left wives and little ones behind 'em.
	MrKennedy: What kind of Heaven is this?
	HeyVern: You're in Kennedy Heaven, kid. But that's every Heaven. In every Heaven you've left something behind. They didn't forget, but they seemed to get by it. Because Heaven is too great to think about life? Because they get to see their loved ones again some day? I don't know.
	HeyVern: I just don't know. I can't let myself go till I understand it.
	MrKennedy: Kennedy Heaven...
	HeyVern: Go on, get going. The ferryman is here. Go over there and grab it, kid. You deserve whatever it is they've got to give you, there. You had a beautiful life. Now go live the rest of it.
	MrKennedy: /stands on tip-toes
	Ferryman: Come on, I don't have all day.
	MrKennedy: Jello Biafra?
	Ferryman: yeah, get it

Photos link to player info. WordUpThome.com Photo Credit: Getty Images

Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)

11-25-2007 @ 3:23PM

Z.S. Ghost said...

Yeah, I do, but it took me a second.

11-25-2007 @ 5:50PM

Ralph Garcia said...

I thought the River was going to be about Mickey Rivers. you know the guy who said, "what's the name of the dog on the TV show Rin Tin Tin?" How come we didn't see Mary Jo Koepechne. You know Ted Kennedy's secretary when she was driving as his passenger from a party when he drove into Chappaquiddick Bay in 1969? She got to heaven right? The grim reaper took the wrong Kennedy(s) all three times.

11-25-2007 @ 6:00PM

Hey where's the band "the Dead Kennedys?" As far as Rays heven Tropicana Field is more like an indoor mall wrapped around seats and an indoor playing field.