The Dugout: TheOriol3s

I've been an Orioles fan since birth. I watched them win a World Series when I was three. I collected Cal Ripken, Jr. and Eddie Murray cards from the back of boxes of macaroni and cheese. I put stickers of guys like Larry Sheets into sticker books even when they couldn't use the logos and everybody wore solid color hats. In the last few years I grew up, moved to Cleveland, and discovered that practically everybody who has ever been an Oriole snorted weed off of Jose Canseco's rippling abdominals and hates me.

Maybe it's just Peter Angelos. Maybe he knows some deep, dark secrets about the bubbling potential of Matt Albers that I don't know, but I don't think he does. I think he wanted to unload a guy who was mailing it in anyway. Yeah, that's fine. I'm glad we got 5 Houston Astros jobbers instead of Manny Ramirez and Matt Clement. We should've gone even farther and just gotten five players to be named later. Players that aren't even born yet. Let the Astros sit on it for a while, see how they like their All-Star shortstop for several seasons of divisional contention.

I like my Orioles like I like my Dugouts: with overwhelming apologies to Grant Morrison and Frank Quitely.

The Dugout

	FearAndTrembley: And these are the standard model bullpen rat biorgs, Rick. Coach Kranitz?
	PlanItOrKranitz: /watches relievers scuttle amongst jet engine good lord
	FearAndTrembley: Well, as I explained, a whole bullpen colony working together like this can assemble a blown save from spare parts in 48 hours.
	FearAndTrembley: But replacing an expensive and outmoded workforce with efficient animal slaves is only one very small application of our research and development program. /is handed radar gun thanks denise
	FearAndTrembley: With your commitment assured, our intention is to save the games of countless Baltimore Orioles starting pitchers in Major League Baseball. /holds up gun This is the radar gun of the future. And our games of tomorrow will be pitched by remote controlled animals, like these. Living utility weapons, Rick.
	RadBradford: daaaaah /rolls ball on ground
	FearAndTrembley: say hello to man's new best friends >:)
	RadBradford: /is clocked at like, 15 miles per hour
	PlanItOrKranitz: You... ah... you said we could take a look at the higher pitching prototypes...
	FearAndTrembley: /motions to bullpen This is Alan Dunn, our very own "Doctor Dolittle."
	FearAndTrembley: The guys we got in the Tejada trade keep him entertained for hours, but he often has a hard time communicating with us mere humans... ...don't you, Alan?
	ThyWillBeDunn: ...as I was saying, gentlemen, our Troy Patton biorg was designed and trained to deliver walks and illogical balks. You can think of Matt Albers as a future 8th man in the rotation, Dennis Sarfate as a lethal stealth machine.
	PlanItOrKranitz: Of course, it's the coaching that does all the real work.
	ThyWillBeDunn: These animals ARE the coaching, sir. 1! MR. KRAH-NITS WD LIK 2 MEET U
	BeyondTheMatt: /cocks head to the side /wags tail
	PlanItOrKranitz: heh; hello, boy would you like to learn how to throw a circle-change today?
	BeyondTheMatt: I. PTCH. GUD. DO. U. PTCH 2 "MR. KRAH-NITS."
	PlanItOrKranitz: /takes several steps back my god it can't escape can it
	BeyondTheMatt: /tilts head ? U. PTCH 2?
	FearAndTrembley: Oh, 1 won't bite you, Coach Kranitz. Not while the restraints are locked. Number 1 is a good, loyal pitcher. He will only bite when pitching against our divisional rivals.
	PlanItOrKranitz: This is astonishing. Good pitcher. Good pitcher.
	BeyondTheMatt: GUD PTCHR. IS GUD PTCHR?
	PlanItOrKranitz: How is this possible?
	FearAndTrembley: He's only an hilariously bad Houston Astros pitcher, don't expect the sonnets of Shakespeare. Mr. Dunn can give you the ins and outs.
	MagnesiumSarfate: MMMMEN STINK! COACHHHHH! STINK! hungry.
	FearAndTrembley: This fiesty little critter never did find time to learn any pitches along with all those big words.
	PlanItOrKranitz: Well, feed him up. Feed 'em all up. Give 'em what they want. They've earned it. I'm afraid the Miguel Tejada Trade was the end of the line for these pitchers. They've ruined their last Orioles rebuilding. We're decommissioning this pitching staff.
	ThyWillBeDunn: But sir.. these three have shown more progrses than any of the others... This is weeks... weeks of my work.
	PlanItOrKranitz: As for your own role within this new structure, Mr. Dunn, be advised that it's currently under review. I believe I made my position clear.
	PlanItOrKranitz: These pitchers are a joke. They're to be replaced.
	BeyondTheMatt: "DEE-COMM-ISH." ? WORD ?
	PattonTheBottom: NO. GRASS. EAT. NOW. EAT.