Lawyer: If you could, please state your name for the court.

OldLOL: koby aaron clemens and i am 22 years old

Lawyer: if you could please state your ACTUAL name for the court

OldLOL: not going to work?

fine, roger clemens

Lawyer: Mr. Clemens, before we begin could you please explain your screen name; is it a reference to some sort of movie or colloquial saying?

OldLOL: nope i am just incredibly too old and to a humorous degree

Lawyer: And is there any correlation between your screen name and UCLA Molecular and Medical Pharmacist Don Catlin's AIM handle of "LOLCatlin?"

OldLOL: no -- don catlin's nom de internet is based on the popular macro-series "lolcat," a collection of pictures of cats and the like doing some dumb junk while big white phrases expound

for example, say a kitten is eatin some soaps, and then he looks all weird and the text says "I AM EATING SOME OF TEH SOAPZ"

Lawyer: and the cats speak in some kind of broken pig-latin freak language?

OldLOL: yes, for you see they do not have the highly evolved brains of you and i, they are merely cats, and if they could speak they might speak like manny ramirez with a mouth full of soap

Lawyer: and your screen name means you are a total old joke and should be the focal point of derision

OldLOL: /leans in close to microphone

that is correct

Lawyer: Mr. Clemens, at any point in time did former Yankees trainer Brian McNamee inject your person with performance enhancing drugs such as steroids and HGH?

OldLOL: no he did not

namey mcnamerson injected me with lidocaine and b-12. it's for my joints, and b-12 i still take today these accusations are ridiculous and i have never taken any banned substances

Lawyer: do you swear

OldLOL: on my retarded son's grave, yes

Lawyer: all right Mr. Clemens, thank you for your testimony and I'm glad we got that matter cleared up.

Now, if I could just ask you a follow-up question: Have you done steroids?

OldLOL: oh all the time

OldLOL: one time raffy palmeiro and jose canseco were smoking pills with me on the field in the middle of a road game in texas and bill ripken tried to stop us, he was all, "hey guys there's a game going on i don't know maybe you should stop drinking rock"

OldLOL: so i was all, "hey [Rick Face] why don't you kiss my ass the ripken way"

OldLOL: after the game a few of us guys went out to the steroid bars in mcmaynerbury and took turns injecting pine tar into our butts, that was messed up i don't know what we were planning to do with it in there but i bet it woulda really pissed off george brett

OldLOL: i had this big stain on my butt, this big wet spot like RIGHT there for YEARS after that

OldLOL: that night we came up with the 'craig lefferts cocktail,' which is one part spiced rum one part sour apple schnapps and sixteen parts hgh

ol gw bush was there that night an he drank several, shortly after he started tellin us about his dreams to one day trade blood to people in exchange for oil

OldLOL: those were good times, i don't know why i never ended up pitching down there

oh right it was probably my wife and kids

OldLOL: one time i shot up my kid with a bunch of steroids and then killed him in the crossface crippler

nah i'm just kidding that isn't even the name of the move

OldLOL: but one time i did hit koby over the head with a carafe of androstenone

man that kid would not shut up

OldLOL: anyway, i've got a lit joint full of steroids hidden in the back of my mouth like in that one episode of cheers so if we could get to the next question i would appreciate it

OldLOL: no, of course not, how did you infer that

i'm being misquoted here
i didn't understand the question

i have a lit joint of b-12 in my mouth it helps the joints in my jaw

OldLOL: these accusations are false and it is my right to be a total jerk about it until i am found guilty of perjury in a court of law

Lawyer: No further questions your honor.

OldLOL: thank god now onto more pressing matters

i can has cheeseburger?