MichaelTehader: /cuts length of rope with pocket knife

This is ridiculous.

MichaelTehader: Somewhere back in the United States, the government is calling hearings to verbally and socially berate those accused in the Mitchell Report and the sportswriters can't get enough of it. They want us torn apart. Dead.

MichaelTehader: They want my head literally lopped from my body so my corpse slumps over and a fountain of steroids spring forth. They want a firehose that makes you good at baseball if you stand in it.

MichaelTehader: /ties ends together

My brother dies in a traffic accident and now they're going to question my immigration status because of the finger-pointing? Uh uh, no way, not happening. Is this any way to treat a man with pernicious anemia?

MichaelTehader: At least the fine people of the Dominican Republic have got my back. Thank you for treating me like a human being.

DominicanLou: Okay! Miguel Tejada, who is Dominican, like me, is hitting the home runs a lot, and I am so proud o' he! I am proud o' he! I am proud of the greatest sport of all time - the baseball!

DominicanLou: As a senator of the Republic, I've given our support to a person that has delivered his body and soul for the country. So proud o' he!

MichaelTehader: Thank you, but I don't hit that many home runs anymore.

/looks out over ocean

In fact, I could probably mail in my performance from here and it wouldn't be much different than the last few years.

DominicanLou: Miguel Tejada, you mean a lot for a lot of youth and for sports essence here. He work very hard, and we've seen he be a great example, because he have worked with very needy sectors.

DominicanLou: You see this /holds up baseball

DominicanLou: I sell you the ball, Miguel. One million dollar. Come on, bro! You got the money. You on TV. One million dollar, bro, come on. Use it when you get back home! It's autographed.

MichaelTehader: Right, I autographed it and gave it to you earlier today.

DominicanLou: You sign it. You buy it for one million dollar!

MichaelTehader: /shades eyes

Which way is Houston?

DominicanLou: hey is that a raft

MichaelTehader: A raft? No, no. This isn't a raft.

This is, uh, a bunch of B-12 I tied together with rope and old film from video tapes.

MichaelTehader: /shakes head

Oh well, this can't be worse than whatever the hell is going on in Baltimore right now.

**Online Host**
Meanwhile, in Baltimore, on a railroad bridge...

PattonTheBottom: SEE

TAIL

BAD

FIX

NOW.

BeyondTheMatt: NO FIX.

!3 COM!

MagnesiumSarfate: ? 2 WHERE?

BeyondTheMatt: 2 "HOME."

MagnesiumSarfate: 2 SAY

IS NO HOME.

BeyondTheMatt: !2! !ORIOL3S OBEY!

MagnesiumSarfate: NO ORIOLE!

SSSTINK BOSSS!

!SSSTINKKK 1! SSSTINK

SSSSST!NK!

PattonTheBottom: NO

1!

2!

3!

ORIOL3S!

BeyondTheMatt: !OBEY!

MagnesiumSarfate: ?ssstink?

BeyondTheMatt: /sniffs around

:FNUFF:
:HORRF:

? rats?

OriolesFans: /swarm