The Dugout: O Phillies

This week, Major League Baseball decided to step up background checks for umpires. The union representing the umpires, the World Umpire Association (famous for such great matches as Kerry Von Erich vs. Umpires), has complied with the checks. But then!

The Biz of Baseball reported that the WUA issued a press release concerning questions being asked during the league's investigations. Among the standard questions to the neighbors (what do you think of barry bonds, how many years of prison should barry bonds get, et al.) was this: do you know if the umpire is a member of the Ku Klux Klan?

hahaha whaaaat

The Dugout asks the serious questions about the Neo Nazi skinheads at Citizens Bank Park, after the jump.

The Dugout

	Online Host Welcome to the Backwoods Ku Klux Klan Rally Chatroom!
	Klansmen: /march in place chant chant chant chant chant
	Online Host As the chanting continues, two Klansmen lead a black man, whom they grasp by either arm, up the aisle toward the gibbet.
	Flash_Aaaaah: I ain't never harmed any you gentlemen!
	ColeHamLuke: It's Tommy! They got Tommy!
	DurbanCowboy: Oh my God!
	Flash_Aaaaah: I ain't never harmed nobody!
	DurbanChampion: /stares at makeshift gibbet The noose! Sweet Jesus! We gotta save 'im!
	ColeHamLuke: /hisses, points The Phillie guard!
	Online Host In front of the crowd, the Imperial Umpire raises one Tools of Ignorance laced arm and the chanting stops.
	ImperialUmpire: Brothers! We are foregathered here to preserve our hallowed culture'n heritage! From intrusions, inclusions and dilutions! Of culluh! Of creed! Of our ol'-time religion!
	ColeHamLuke: /adjusts appropriated robes
	ImperialUmpire: We aim to pull evil up by the root! Before it chokes out the flower of our culture'n heritage! And our women! Let's not forget those ladies, y'all, lookin' to us for p'tection!
	ImperialUmpire: From darkies! From Jews! From the Pittsburgh Pirates! And from all those smart-ass folk say we come descended from the monkeys! That's not my culture'n heritage!
	Klansmen: /roar
	ImperialUmpire: Izzat your culture'n heritage?
	Klansmen: NO!!!
	ImperialUmpire: And so... we gonna hang us a Phillie!
	Klansmen: /huge roar chant chant chant chant chant
	Online Host The color guard hustles up the aisle to draw up behind the two men leading Tommy to the gibbet.
	ColeHamLuke: Hey Tommy, it's us! Hey Tommy!
	Flash_Aaaaah: /looks back over shoulder ...huh?
	ColeHamLuke: It's us! We come to rescue ya!
	Flash_Aaaaah: That's mighty kind of ya boys, but I don't think nothin's gonna save me now - the devil's come to collect his due!
	DurbanChampion: Tommy, you don't wanna get hanged!
	Flash_Aaaaah: Naw I don't guess I do, but that's the way it seems to be workin' out.
	ColeHamLuke: Listen to me, Tommy, I got a plan-
	BigDanIassogna: /pulls off Cole Hamels' hood
	Klansmen: gasp
	BigDanIassogna: /pulls off Chad Durbin's and J.D. Durbin's hoods
	Klansmen: GASP
	Klansmen: The Phillie guard is Phillies!
	BigDanIassogna: RARRRGGHH
	Klansmen: ROARRR
	ColeHamLuke: Run, boys!

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Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)

2-02-2008 @ 3:36AM

Alicia said...

Hahahaha, I think ColeHamLuke is one of the best names ever.

I wonder if the Phillies have that thing on their strikeout meter like we do here, where after a pitcher strikes out three guys, the third K is distinctly separated from the other 2.

2-02-2008 @ 4:08AM

Bob said...

I look forward to a thorough and meticulous investigation. Let me know if I can be of any assistance.

/plops down 5 phonebook sized binders labeled "INVESTIGATIN' DEM"

Sincerely,
Milton Bradley

2-02-2008 @ 8:31AM

NLUmp42 said...

This is a perfect example how the Grand Poohbahs who run MLB can create a major debacle out of something that should have been conducted in a professional and confidential manner. Ask the neighbors ? WOW