We're a little late on the Spring Dugz tonight (consider it "Autumn Dugz") and the topic isn't
technically the St. Louis Cardinals, but we can never resist these baseball noir, or any chance to give a guest appearance to our most successful and longest-running NPC the Lady Cop. Not since the woman ran out a grits have we needed her so badly.
Scott Spiezio. What else can be said? The guy is a grade-A douchebag and deserves every bad thing that comes to him. I hope he gets the help he needs in real life as much as anybody else, but moreso I hope he gets all the kicks to the ass he needs in real life. I wish there was some sort of futuristic cyborg LadyCop who could choke back.
After the jump: not a heck of a lot about training during Spring. But hey.
The Dugout
 |
LadyCop: /knocks on door
|
|
**Online Host**
Welcome to the Spiezio Home Chatroom!
|
 |
Shezio: Hi, can I help you? |
|
LadyCop: Yes ma'am, I'm looking for Scott Spiezio. We have reason to believe that last night Mr. Spiezio became intoxicated and drove while under the influence of alcohol to a friend's house, whereupon he began projectile vomiting and projectile punching folk.
|
|
LadyCop: He then cut out a picture of Josh Hancock's head from Beckett Baseball Card Monthly, scotch-taped it to a large gym-style punching bag, and punched the hell out of the face until he passed out in the uh, aforementioned barf.
|
|
Shezio: That can't be right, my husband spent last night at his Jim Leyritz Fan Club meeting! |
|
LadyCop: May I speak with Mr. Spiezio, please?
|
|
Shezio: No, I'm sorry, Scott is asleep right now. With pneumonia. If you'd like I can go check on him, I've got a syringe of amoxicillin I can inject into his butt.
|
|
**Online Host**
Shezio has left the chatroom.
|
|
LadyCop: /checks watch |
|
**Online Host**
Shezio has entered the chatroom.
|
|
Shezio: No no I'm sorry I can't wake him up, I would feel just awful about doing that
|
|
LadyCop: Ma'am we have reason to believe that your husband was injured in a crash. Eye witnesses say he had a streak of blood running down the center of his chin. That's the only explanation for what would be there because anything else would be retarded. |
|
Shezio: oh... well in that case you can come in, but let me wake him up first |
|
**Online Host**
Shezio has left the chatroom.
|
|
LadyCop: /puts thick scarf around neck, just in case
|
|
**Online Host**
Shezio has entered the chatroom.
|
|
Shezio: *sob* I don't know where he is, he's not in the room where I left him! You can look for him if you want to! *sob sob*
|
|
LadyCop: /draws weapon, enters home
POLICE, WE KNOW YOU'RE IN HERE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
|
|
Shezio: LOOK FOR HIM IN THE STARS
|
|
Shezio: (you are free to look everywhere except in the storage closet)
|
|
LadyCop: oh for the love of
|
|
**Online Host**
LadyCop has tried to enter the Storage Closet Chatroom, but was denied.
|
|
LadyCop: SCOTT, I KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE, I ONLY WANT TO HELP YOU. YOU ARE NOT IN COLLEGE ANYMORE SCOTT YOU SHOULDN'T BE ACTING LIKE THIS
|
|
LadyCop: IN FACT YOU SHOULDN'T BE ACTING LIKE THIS IN COLLEGE EITHER, BUT A LOT OF COLLEGE KIDS ARE STUPID SO WE EXPECT IT OUT OF THEM, YOU ARE AN ADULT
|
|
LadyCop: A SUPER RICH ADULT WHO COULD PROBABLY AFFORD TO CALL A CAB YOU PSYCHOPATH
|
|
**Online Host**
Meanwhile, inside the Storage Closet Chatroom...
|
 |
SpiezLikeUs: /cradles mop
oh man oh man oh man oh man oh man
i am so wastedddd
|
|
SpiezLikeUs: oh man i am trippin balls off so much beer and that lady policeman is mad at me, what am i gonna do |
 |
RobertoKelly: you should prob'ly go out there and fess up, face the consequences like a man |
|
SpiezLikeUs: r. kelly?? what the hell are you doin in here |
|
RobertoKelly: uh
not secretly having sex with your wife?
|
|
SpiezLikeUs: what has become of my life |
|
RobertoKelly: /pulls out his beretta |
Photos link to player info. WordUpThome.com Photo Credit: Getty Images
Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)
3-05-2008 @ 3:33AM
Tanning Lotion said...
Don't hold back say what you really feel.
Reply
3-05-2008 @ 3:29AM
Search Engine Placement said...
He is not that bad. Let's cut him a little slack, but just a little.
Reply
3-05-2008 @ 6:19PM
Mike said...
I TRIED MY BEST TO QUICKLY PUT IT ON...
VIIIIIBRAAAAATE
Reply
3-06-2008 @ 9:13AM
Tipcpup said...
Nope, I agree with B. Spezio = Grade A douche. Hiding in a closet? Lame. Getting drunk, fighting, and blowing your MLB career? Moronic.
But continue to be a drunk driving champ after your own teammate was killed last year doing the same thing? Total douchebaggery.
Oh, and he needs to wipe that trail of red $emen off his chin. It looks pretty g@y.
Reply
3-05-2008 @ 1:43PM
David said...
What happened to the 'spitting sunflowers'???
Reply
3-05-2008 @ 4:43PM
David said...
"Trapped in the Closet" reference = priceless.
Even more priceless? The fact that as poor a lyricist as R. Kelly is, he'll probably add another chapter based on this Dugz.
Reply
3-05-2008 @ 5:56PM
Effin said...
I wait and wait for the Cardinals spring training dugout--springdugz or whatev--and instead i get a non-season preview dugout about a week old story?
/Does best Eeyore impression and slinks away
Reply