Spring Dugz: Florida Marlins

Your official The Dugout Guide to This Year in the National League East:

The Mets will win a lot of games.
The Phillies will win a lot of games.
The friggin Florida Marlins will win the division with nothing but Luis Gonzalez and a big snapping trading card binder with pictures of actual professional baseball players in it.

Yesterday's Spring Dugz (sprung dugz) dealt with character growth and the development of personality that comes with time. Today's Spring Dugz (springing dugz) is the exact opposite of that, because until Jeffrey Loria turns into a winged monster and breaks the bonds of his life the Marlins are pretty much boned. But boned in a good way, where they win World Series championships.

After the jump, the long road out of Eden.

The Dugout

	fLORIdA: Henley! Henley my boy, come here, I want to tell you about our new stadium.
	HanleyDown: excuse me sir but my name is hanley, you may remember me as the really good player from your base ball team this year
	fLORIdA: Wait, you play baseball? I thought I was paying you because you were one of the Eagles.
	HanleyDown: yeah i was wondrin' why we had timothy b. schmit playin second base
	fLORIdA: I Can't Tell You Why, Henley, but in the new stadium EVERYONE will be playing second base. Er, metaphorically I mean. I can't pay that many people, I've got to keep our team salary below 200 bucks.
	fLORIdA: but it's going to be glorious, Henley, we're going to have a retractable roof that can open up on sunny days and close up on rainy days! No more sitting in the showers or the hot sun to watch the games!
	HanleyDown: that's right an that is exactly why people didn't come see marlins games
	fLORIdA: /motions with hands we're going to have luxury boxes, we're going to have refreshment stands with gourmet food like sushi and gelato, we're going to have escalators and elevators to get people from floor to floor instead of ladders!
	fLORIdA: Of course the Miami Dolphins are still welcome at any home games, but get this; when we're done playing baseball, they have to go BACK to their OWN stadium to play football!
	HanleyDown: holy crap have i been hurdled into the future
	fLORIdA: We're going to use our incredible team profits to put a BIG logo on the front of the stadium.
	HanleyDown: wow that will be great, it will really help team morale to see that when we show up to play
	fLORIdA: Yep! That's the idea. I'm not sure which logo we're gonna put up, though. Maybe the Red Sox.
	fLORIdA: The entire thing is going to be state-of-the-art, I guarantee it, we're sparing no expense. The grass is going to be real. The dirt is going to be gourmet. The bases are going to have the Spider-Man logo on them.
	fLORIdA: We're going to have the world's biggest jumbotron! Heh, well, not the "biggest" but the TALLEST. Imagine a rectangle laying on its short side that then reaches high into the sky. If you hit it with a homer you'll get a jet-powered car!
	HanleyDown: have i died and woken up in the land of christmas?
	fLORIdA: And each day we will welcome fans with a sense of community and respect, giving them affordable ticket prices, a comfortable, home-like environment, and fun and activities for the whole family!
	HanleyDown: wait you just effin with me now aren't you
	fLORIdA: And there's gonna be a HUGE ORANGE in the outfield stands!
	fLORIdA: haha yeah I'm just screwing with you, we aren't getting any of that. You ever play Dusty Diamond All-Star Softball for the NES? It's going to basically be the cliff field from that game.
	HanleyDown: what in the hell is a nes
	fLORIdA: Oh, I forgot to tell you, I drafted you with the first pick in my fantasy draft this year.
	HanleyDown: ay really? that's pretty cool of you
	fLORIdA: Mmhm, and then I immediately traded you for Brandon Inge and five players with "NA" next to their names. And then I started every one of those guys and benched Inge.
	HanleyDown: aw that's cold
	HanleyDown: but i guess i can't blame you for benching brandon inge
	fLORIdA: Yeah, that guy is terrible.
	fLORIdA: Wait, we didn't get him by accident in the Tigers trade, did we?
	HanleyDown: yup we sure did, and we also inherited his 23 million dollar a year salary for the next three seasons
	fLORIdA: /has heart attack /collapses down a flight of stairs
	HanleyDown: hahah naw i'm just messin with you

Photos link to player info. WordUpThome.com Photo Credit: Getty Images

Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)

3-07-2008 @ 9:12AM

jon said...

and the Nationals will...not exist?

3-07-2008 @ 11:04PM

Gleebo said...

This is the funniest Dugout of all the Spring Training ones. But I worry that you have now used all your Tigers material in the Marlins. Then again some of the best Dugouts are based on many current Tigers players(Imagine MeTrain getting advice on doctoring the ball from Kenny Rogers while Gary Sheffield gets ate by Miguel Cabrera because he tried to make him his sunkist n-word**...and of course Verlander would just be very confused).

**if the Tigers want to win they would be wise to have Jacque Jones do nothing but this all season...anything that keeps him from getting anywhere near a bat, glove, or baseball.