Spring Dugz: Atlanta Braves

The "Bobby Cox smacks his forehead like he's Bull from Night Court" picture is the only image of Getty I like as much as Roger Clemens in the Mitchell Report. It's totally out of context and he's just wiping his face, but it's a great tool to illustrate the frustration and utter futility that comes from being the best team in the league for a decade and a half and then immediately becoming, well, what the Braves are right now.

It's not like they're hopeless. There's still a chance they could win the division and then win it 34 more years in a row. There's also a chance that Mike Hampton is going to show up on opening day and tell us he's fine and was just kidding. There's a better chance of Mike Hampton being crapped on by a bird and having that crap infect him with Super SARS and make his head fall off.

Insert 25 cents to read more after the jump.

The Dugout

	O_Captain_Mike_Hampton: /readies pitch
	WierenBigTrouble: ..and here's Hampton with the two and oh pitch...
	O_Captain_Mike_Hampton: /remains motionless
	WierenBigTrouble: ...aaaaand here's the pitch...
	WierenBigTrouble: Uh oh. Jim Lovell and Bobby Cox headed out to the mound. Mike Hampton may have a problem.
	WierenBigTrouble: And now the assistant athletic trainer is checking the back of Hampton to make sure everything is properly plugged in. You'd be surprised how many problems can be solved by just making sure you're plugged in.
	bobbycoxer: /mashes buttons /bangs on side of cabinet
	O_Captain_Mike_Hampton: GAME OVER
	WierenBigTrouble: Fans, while I am affectionately known as "The Professor" for my pre-game preparedness and baseball research abilities, it would take me all evening and most of the morning to relay to you the kind of injuries Mike Hampton has endured.
	WierenBigTrouble: After a promising start in the 2005 season, Hampton succumbed to an elbow injury that lead to Tommy John surgery and a subsequent absence from the 2005 and 2006 seasons.
	WierenBigTrouble: In March, yes, March of 2007 Hampton suffered a tear in his oblique muscle that would sideline him until May. That April it was revealed that the aging southpaw would need Tommy John Surgery Remix 2k7 and would miss the entire 2007 baseball season.
	WierenBigTrouble: During the offseason Hampton ran into a setback when George Costanza, the man who holds the high score of 863,000 points on the pitcher, tried to push Hampton across the street. Tragically an oncoming freightliner crushed the left-hander.
	WierenBigTrouble: Cox now urging Hampton to open up and surrender his bones in the hope that donating them to science would recoup some of the embarrassing moral loss of the last few years.
	WierenBigTrouble: Hampton of course remains motionless, except for a display of-
	WierenBigTrouble: Wait just a minute!
	O_Captain_Mike_Hampton: CONTINUE 9 8 7 6
	WierenBigTrouble: If you look closely at Mike Hampton you'll see ninja Ryu Hayabusa chained down while a gaggle of monstrous beasts lower a buzzsaw above him! Bobby, hurry up or the blade will reach Ryu's chest!
	O_Captain_Mike_Hampton: 5 4 3 2
	bobbycoxer: /checks pockets Dammit I've already put 60,000,000 quarters in this guy this season
	bobbycoxer: Frank, lend me a quarter
	BenjaminFrankWren: lol uhhhh no
	O_Captain_Mike_Hampton: 1 /kills Ryu Hayabusa
	O_Captain_Mike_Hampton:
	WierenBigTrouble: Well, that explains the San Francisco Giants.
	bobbycoxer: son of an ass we need to bring up somebody to replace this guy, I'm tired of it
	BenjaminFrankWren: we've got a Cruisin' USA machine in AAA we could bring up, but there are some kids on it right now so you'll have to wait until they finish

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Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)

3-09-2008 @ 1:21AM

KingGreat said...

I'm not giving it up till I make it cross country...I'm using the bus (i never forget to push the button in the garage while on the spinning lift), and aiming for every deer.