What Sinister Force Is Robbing America's Closers of Their Fastballs?

Where is the Closers League of Justice when we need them most? All around the major leagues, closers are losing their unique powers and watching their fastballs disappear into the deep, dark night. Has the Notorious Mitchwilliams escaped from the asylum where he was being kept so leads would remain safe? Joe Borowski felt the evil one's wrath Monday night while facing Manny Ramirez.

"[It was] like a fastball," Ramirez said. "It was something like 80 [mph]. Or a changeup. It was right there."

Two nights later another closer's fastball deserted him. Chad Cordero's fastball was flatter than his hat brim, reaching just 79 mph against the Mets on Wednesday night. Cordero, just off the DL, denies that he's hurting, blaming insufficient warm-up time for his pedestrian pitches. I blame the supervillain but whatever the cause, Manny Acta's not going to use Cordero as a closer for a while.

"We are going to have to pick and choose our spots. I really don't feel right now -- with the way he is throwing -- I should trust him to save a game here."

That's good news if you're a big Jon Rauch fan. He'll take over the closer duties for the time being. As for the Notorious Mitchwilliams, I'd watch out, Eric Gagne, for the evil one was last seen on a bus headed toward Milwaukee! MWAHAHAHA!