The Dugout: The E_Mancipation of Mimi

Over the last few days, Fanhouse has been buzzing with story after story about Pop Diva Mariah Carey's devastating gyroball and the effect it may have on the way the game is played in the States. Not since Roger Clemens did steroids and one-two'd it by cornholing the New Nashville Sound have the world of sports and music come together so hilariously. If you haven't watched the video, please do so.

And look at that picture over there. Mariah can't even go to a BASEBALL GAME without looking like that.

Today's Dugout is the spiritual successor to the Mariah Carey Gets Married iVoice we did for the Village Voice. In that strip, Mariah returns home from vacation married to young rap star Hip Hop Harry. After the jump, Mariah switches from bears to... well, what's the opposite of a bear?

The Dugout

	CashAndCarey: Jeet, how do you throw a baseball?
	JetersNeverProsper: well, first you've got to sprint to the left and stretch out your arm so people think you barely caught the ball, even though it was a routine grounder that even Jhonny Peralta could field.
	JetersNeverProsper: then, dramatically hurl the ball as hard as you can into the first base stands. If the first baseman is good enough he'll reach up and catch it before it goes over him.
	JetersNeverProsper: Why do you ask? /speed dials TMZ
	CashAndCarey: I'm supposed to throw out the first pitch at a Japanese baseball game but I've never done it before
	JetersNeverProsper: Oh, all right. Well, /pats glove throw one to me, we'll see how you do.
	CashAndCarey: Okay! I call this my four-day creeper. /kicks leg, throws perfect strike
	CashAndCarey: this what I call my "hurry-up ball" /manages to strike out Nick Markakis even though he is several hundred miles away
	JetersNeverProsper: Wow Mimi, you've got a great arm! What're you worried about?
	CashAndCarey: I've got an image to uphold, Jeet, I'm supposed to be an oversexed fifth grade girl.
	JetersNeverProsper: Oh. So you, uh, need to learn how to throw badly? Heh, I don't know if I can teach you that! *^_^
	CashAndCarey: I just need to learn how to throw like a girl. Not even like a girl. Like an infant.
	CashAndCarey: I need to have the sex appeal of Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen but with the athletic ability of Michelle Tanner.
	JetersNeverProsper: Well, we're all pretty good here, being the Yankees and all, but if you need to learn how to throw in a feminine style I guess I could always-
	E5_rod: DIT SOMEBODY SAY MY FEMONIN STYLE
	CashAndCarey: Alex! Just who I needed to see! Can you give me a tip?
	E5_rod: HURR IS A TEEP, STOP USINGK BEIGE LIPSTICK WHEN YOU GET A SPRAY TAN, IT MAKES EV'RYTHINGK ON JOOR HEAD THE SAME COLOR
	E5_rod: FOR OLIVE SKINS aRAH RECOMMENS A LIGHT PORPLE LIPSTEECK, IT HELPS BRING OUT JOOR MEXISTACHE
	CashAndCarey: no, I mean a tip on how to throw a baseball like a girl, silly!
	E5_rod: FIRCE THINGS FIRCE, JOO GOTTA WORK A PAIR OF SUPER TIGHT JEAN SHORTS SO THE LEGKS CAN BARELY MOVE
	E5_rod: JOO BETTER PUT ON A SATIN JACKET IN A SIZE JUNIOR MISS WHILE JOO DO IT OR JOO WILL LOOK LIKE A TRANNY MESS
	E5_rod: THEN WEAR THE BIGGESS DARKESS SUNGLASSES JOO CAN FINE SO JOO CAN BARELY SEE
	CashAndCarey: Jeet baby can you write this down for me? I never learned how to read or write.
	JetersNeverProsper: LOL I don't have to write it down, honey, these aren't notes... this is a lifestyle! ;)
	E5_rod: WHEN JOO THROW, KEEP JOOR ELBOW GLOSE TO JOOR SIDE AN FLIP THE WRISS LIKE JOOR SHOOTINGK HOOBS
	CashAndCarey: Shooting hoobs?
	E5_rod: HOOBS
	E5_rod: SHOOTINGK HOOBS
	E5_rod: LIKE BASGETBALL
	CashAndCarey: oh, right
	E5_rod: USINGK THIS METHIT JOO SHOULDENT EVEN GET THE BALL PASS JOOR FEET, GURL JOO WILL LOOK LIKE A COMPLEET RETARD
	E5_rod: aRAH STARTS THROWINGK LIKE THEESE EVERY OGTOBER
	CashAndCarey: Wow, this is all so great. You must be the worst player ever, lol!
	JetersNeverProsper: No, actually, he's pretty much the best player in baseball.
	CashAndCarey: Really?
	JetersNeverProsper: No, it's pretty much true. If you ask somebody who the best player in baseball is and they don't say Alex Rodriguez, they're either dumb or in denial.
	E5_rod: MMM HM, I AM PRETTY MUCH THE BEST BASEBALL PLAYER EVER
	E5_rod: ISN'T THAT DEPRESSING