Soriano_4_2004: Oh man.

You have to check this out.

lumberjacks_kerrywood: What's up?

Soriano_4_2004: Coach is on Google Maps.

lumberjacks_kerrywood: Whoa, what a coincidence. We should show him.

Soriano_4_2004: Are you nuts? It'll piss the hell out of him.

One time he screamed at me for drinking a glass of water.

lumberjacks_kerrywood: True. You know that apple he put in the fridge last month? Every month he opens the refrigerator door, yells at it for rotting, and slams it shut. I can't wait until it shrivels and slips through the top-shelf grate so I don't have to hear about it anymore.

Soriano_4_2004: ...Oh hell, I'm bored. I'm showing it to him.

**OnlineHost** Lou Piniella has entered the chat room.

PiniellaOnTheDonkey: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT

Soriano_4_2004: Hey Coach, check this out!

PiniellaOnTheDonkey: WHY DO THOSE FELLAS HAVE PAPER BAGS ON THEIR DING DONGS

Soriano_4_2004: No, no. Look down and to the right.

PiniellaOnTheDonkey:

WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT

PiniellaOnTheDonkey:

CAN'T I WEAR MY TANNISH PUKE SHIRT AND WALK DOWN THE STREET WHILE SNAPPING MY FINGERS WITHOUT INGSOC TOTALITARIANIZING MY PINK ASS OFF

lumberjacks_kerrywood: Hey chill out, it's just a picture.

PiniellaOnTheDonkey:

WHO ARE YOU

GO TO YOUR ROOM AND TUCK YOURSELF IN, I'LL READ YOU WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE WHEN JEOPARDY IS OVER

PiniellaOnTheDonkey:

WHOEVER TOOK THIS PICTURE OF ME IS TALLER THAN SAM F***

PiniellaOnTheDonkey:

WAIT IS THIS THE DEVIL FROM "FALLEN" STARRING DENZEL WASHINGTON

PiniellaOnTheDonkey:

DO I NEED TO DRIVE TO THE WILDERNESS AND SHOOT JOHN GOODMAN IN THE HEAD

BECAUSE I THOUGHT I ALREADY DID THAT ONCE

Soriano_4_2004: You know, Coach, you should probably be used to this by now. I mean, you're a public figure in an enormous city full of people and cameras. It's going to happen.

PiniellaOnTheDonkey:

YOU KNOCK IT OFF UP THERE OR YOU'RE GETTING TOM CLANCY AND A SPANKING

Soriano_4_2004: Well, I mean, look. You're all over the Internet. You're everywhere. Here's a picture of you getting your hair dyed.

PiniellaOnTheDonkey: WHAT

lumberjacks_kerrywood: And look, here's one of you wearing a Santa Claus hat.

PiniellaOnTheDonkey:

WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT

Soriano_4_2004: hahaha why does that make you so mad

PiniellaOnTheDonkey:

I AM NOT SANTA CLAUS AT ALL

Soriano_4_2004: Should we keep going?

lumberjacks_kerrywood: Haha yeah, what the hell, I'm having fun.

lumberjacks_kerrywood: Look, here's a tribute video someone made of you set to a Rihanna song.

PiniellaOnTheDonkey:

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH

lumberjacks_kerrywood: Actually, yeah, I'm kind of with you on that.

Soriano_4_2004: oh wait wait

Look, Coach! Someone made a YTMND for you!

PiniellaOnTheDonkey:

GAAAAAAAGKALJFHKLFG

I DON'T EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT THIS IS

lumberjacks_kerrywood: Wow, Coach! Did you sing that song? I guess you did, since it's on a website about you!

PiniellaOnTheDonkey: NO IT ISN'T AT ALL I PROMISE

SERIOUSLY IT ISN'T

Soriano_4_2004: But it has to be! I am going to tell all my friends and family that you sang this song!

PiniellaOnTheDonkey:

LFGNQKJGBHILAVF;AOB;DFJ;NB
LAVBALBAFAKFNBLKNGBK

PiniellaOnTheDonkey:

THAT'S IT

PiniellaOnTheDonkey: /marches to refrigerator

PiniellaOnTheDonkey: /draws smiley face on apple with Sharpie

PiniellaOnTheDonkey: /places apple on lap, opens Tom Clancy book

/clears throat

PiniellaOnTheDonkey: JACK RYAN WAS STILL OF FOOTBALL PLAYER BUILD FROM HIS DAYS IN HIGH SCHOOL. HIS WIFE ALWAYS TEASED HIM ABOUT THE "LOVE HANDLES" HE HAD ACQUIRED SINCE

PiniellaOnTheDonkey: ARE YOU PAYING ATTENTION

THIS IS THE PART WHERE HE SAVES THE BRITISH SECRETARY OF STATE FROM AN ASSASSINATION ATTEMPT

PiniellaOnTheDonkey: /draws ears on apple

PiniellaOnTheDonkey: /stares thoughtfully at wall

/devours apple

PiniellaOnTheDonkey: I FEEL THAT TOM CLANCY IS THE GREATEST AUTHOR OF OUR TIME

Soriano_4_2004: Do, uh

Do you ever miss having Dusty Baker around?

lumberjacks_kerrywood:

nnnnnnnnnope