Unfortunately for fans of Jason Giambi's incredibly, um, flattering facial hair, the Mustached One has failed in his attempt to be a last-minute vote-in to the All-Star Game, despite his deserving numbers. As this is clearly a sign of mustache prejudice, the American Mustache Institute is already on the case.
The AMI (whose previous pro-Giambi activism was detailed here) has released a statement. The sprawling (and, in case you're still not getting this, satirical) three-paragraph tome is a brutal denunciation of non-Giambi voters, Al Sharpton, and I think maybe Jimmy Carter, but I can't really tell:
Today was a sad day for mustached Americans and dwarfs alike. Despite our obvious disappointment in the results of the voting for the final position on the American League All-Star team in next week's Major League All-Star game, the American Mustache Institute (AMI) respects the final decision, as incomprehensibly wrong as voters have revealed themselves to be.
As a member of that last group -- the shiftless, facial hair-having youth -- allow me to be the first to praise the AMI's attempts to bring about mustache equality in America's pastime. They're like MoveOn.org, except easier to take seriously.
After considering a federal injunction against Major League Baseball, AMI held preliminary discussions with former President Jimmy Carter to discuss a role for him in analyzing the reported vast amounts of voting irregularities. Members of mustache nation have cited voting by deceased citizens in Chicago, long lines at polling places in Ohio, and Floridians who said votes intended for Giambi went to political commentator Pat Buchanan - we will not call for a recount.
Instead, we ask AL All-Star manager Terry Francona and the Reverend Al Sharpton - who should finally do something worthwhile - to put any partisan feelings aside and name Jason to the team. It would be tribute to the hard-working mustached Americans who make up our law enforcement, adult entertainment and the shiftless youth who attend more baseball games than any other group of Americans.
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You wish you have facial hair