The people at ESPN know what they're talking about. I'm pretty sure Peter Gammons knows more about baseball than anybody else in the world knows about anything else in the world. If you put his baseball knowledge end-to-end it would reach Jupiter. But as I get older I become more and more aware of what ESPN is doing with their sports coverage. I hear them regularly condescend on bloggers and then do exactly what bloggers do - report the news, and make sure to unnecessarily editorialize everything you can.So when I use my "blog" here to equate Baseball Tonight's editorialized, non-news related commentary to chimps hurling dung at each other and then screaming at their food, please understand that I'm only doing it because of my place in life and the hopelessness of my chosen profession. Without ESPN I wouldn't have known about the last 25 years of my nation's home runs.
After the jump, today's Dugout watches Baseball Tonight, makes a sound like "blergh," and then runs to its computer to anonymously put them in their place.
The Dugout
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LandPhill: As you all know, the trade deadline was on Thursday, and this year was without a doubt one of the most exciting and controversial in recent memory. |
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LandPhill: After a few days of reflection, we here at Baseball Tonight have decided to grade the teams that made trades on a scale of A to F, A being the best, F being the worst. |
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LandPhill: It's just like school, the only difference being that school grades are based on mathematical performance ratios and ours are completely arbitrary and meaningless |
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LandPhill: you'll notice this mostly when we start putting plusses and minuses on things |
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LandPhill: up first is the Boston Red Sox... /looks down at paper no, the... Los Angeles Dodgers? |
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KrukThePolice: who |
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LandPhill: Kruky, your thoughts |
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KrukThePolice: well aaaaaaaaaaa the Dodgers are a notoriously low hitting low pitching low fielding team in something called the "national league," and being small market doesn't help them in situations like this |
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KrukThePolice: but what they did is they got Manny Ramirez, a Boston Red Sock, and lemme tell you, that's gonna add pop to your lineup |
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KrukThePolice: I look for Manny to hit 40 to 50 homeruns before the end of the season and lead this team to the playoffs, where he has experience |
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KrukThePolice: i'm gonna give em a c-minus |
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LandPhill: y'know Kruky according to your Baseball-Reference page you played in the National League for 9 of your 10 Major League seasons |
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KrukThePolice: I don't know about that Steve, eh heh heh, you can't trust everything you read on the blogo-sphere |
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KrukThePolice: I read online that I only have one ball |
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LandPhill: Speaking of "balls," y'know, I'm gonna give the Dodgers a C-plus, I think they made the right move adding Boston Red Sox to their already existing team |
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LandPhill: but at the same time, I think putting Manny in a differently-colored shirt is gonna hurt him in the long run |
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LandPhill: and Dodgers coach Joe Torre just doesn't have the chops to lead a championship team |
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KrukThePolice: yeah I've never heard of him either and I'm starting to forget who Manny Ramirez is already |
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LandPhill: On the flip side of that trade, the Boston Red Sox. I'm going to give them an A-plus! |
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LandPhill: By acquiring Pirates outfielder Jason Bay from the Los Angeles Dodgers, the Red Sox effectively become the Whitest Team in Baseball, and that can only help them, Krukky |
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KrukThePolice: YahAbsolutely Steve, that's why I'm giving them an A-plus-plus. Improving the racial purity of your team should be the goal of every Major League club |
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KrukThePolice: The Brewers are already the black team, Seattle and LA are in competition to become the Asian team, and so on |
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KrukThePolice: It's gonna be cool when the teams are like the gangs in The Warriors and we're born into fandom instead of choosing it |
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LandPhill: Leave it to the Red Sox to lead the pack, eh? |
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KrukThePolice: *g* I know, I want to kiss them on their mouths with my mouth |
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LandPhill: Speaking of the Boston Red Sox, the New York Yankees. Krukmeister? |
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KrukThePolice: to accurately use the phrase "cream of the crop" to describe the Bronx Bombers, you'd have to make a thick, pea-like soup juice out of the entire American Mid-West |
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KrukThePolice: the Yankees are head-and-shoulders and torso-and-waist above the rest, adding an aging catcher to their roster for half a season |
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KrukThePolice: and all they had to give up was nothing! They didn't even send a player to Detroit. You can't get any better than that |
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LandPhill: so what's your grade for the Yankees? |
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KrukThePolice: I'm gonna give the Yankers an A-plus-plus. |
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LandPhill: see I've got to disagree, I'm giving the Yankees an A-plus-plus-minus. |
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KrukThePolice: whaaaaat come on |
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LandPhill: No, no, hear me out now, the New York Yankees gave up Manny Ramirez in a trade to the Red Sox, and as far as I know that's going to keep them out of the playoffs this year |
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LandPhill: but with the AL Wild Card and by winning their division they can and will make the playoffs, where new slugger Punch Rodriguez will shine |
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KrukThePolice: do you smell that |
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LandPhill: I... /sniffs what is that |
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KrukThePolice: it smells like gas |
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LandPhill: hm I don't know let's just ignore it |
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LandPhill: all right, the story that's been on everybody's lips, Brett Favre returning to Cubs training camp this week to cry with Mark Cuban about... ughhhhhhh |
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KrukThePolice: /stands up /takes two steps |
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LandPhill: krukky your thoughts |
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LandPhill: krukky |
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KrukThePolice: /convulses on floor |
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LandPhill: with more about what i know about baseball here is /puts head on desk |
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LandPhill: /goes to sleep |
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KrukThePolice: ggggurrrrgg gugggg gurrr guruuuugugugug |
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KrukThePolice: /pukes up gross of Red Sox keychains |
Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)
8-04-2008 @ 9:49PM
MisterC said...
The gas leak speaks for us all!
Reply
8-05-2008 @ 9:49AM
Jason S. said...
Warriors... come out and plaaaaa-aaay
Reply
8-09-2008 @ 8:55PM
Sam said...
awww.
Kruk dying or whatever reminded me of Edgar on 24. Poor Edgar.
"KrukThePolice: *g* I know, I want to kiss them on their mouths with my mouth"
Very nice.
Reply