Earlier today, the higher-ups at the Cincinnati Reds baseball club decided to satiate their fanbase with what was essentially a
Dear John Bench letter explaining why the team's efforts have failed despite the organization doing everything right.
What they didn't tell you on the website is that the President and Chief Executive Officer of the Reds read the letter to the masses from high atop the ballpark, and that it wasn't enough. This really happened. Stop looking at me like that.
This morning's Dugout, chronicling those events, is after the jump.
The Dugout
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**Online Host**
A crowd of thousands has gathered outside of the Great American Ballpark Chatroom. |
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RedsFans: *chanting* Castel-lini! Castel-lini! Castel-lini! |
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CastelliniSky: /walks out onto balcony
/reads from prepared statement
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CastelliniSky: "Dear Fans,
Thank you for your loyalty and support of the Cincinnati Reds. You are extremely vital to the success of the Reds, and it is important we share with you the thinking behind our recent personnel decisions." |
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RedsFans: WOOOOO |
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CastelliniSky: "Since taking ownership of this franchise, we have aggressively tried to improve our Major League roster for the purpose of restoring championship baseball to Cincinnati." |
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RedsFans: WOOOOOO |
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CastelliniSky: "We had high expectations for the 2008 season. Unfortunately the team has not played up to our expectations and we have sustained injuries to key players within our starting lineup and rotation." |
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RedsFans: /crickets |
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CastelliniSky: "We added Dusty Baker, a proven winning manager?" |
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RedsFans: /bigger crickets |
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CastelliniSky: "In conclusion, the Cincinnati Reds are a team of contrast." |
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RedsFans: BOOOOOO
BOOOOOOOOOO
/begin to riot
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CastelliniSky: And now, with the part he wrote, please welcome Reds manager Dusty Baker. Dusty... /ushers Dusty onto balcony |
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**Online Host**
BakersDozen has entered the Balcony Chatroom! |
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RedsFans: /hushed awe |
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BakersDozen: /clears throat |
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BakersDozen: *singing* It won't be easy, you'll think it strange, when I try to explain how I feel
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BakersDozen: That I still need need this job after all that I've done
You won't believe me
All you will see is a man you once knew
Although he's dressed up to the nines
for nine inning outings with you
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BakersDozen: I had to let it happen, we had to change.
Couldn't play our whole team down at heel.
Looking out of the dugout, braying out for home runs
So I chose .OPS,
Running around trying everything new
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BakersDozen: But nothing impressed me at all... I never expected it to |
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BakersDozen: /opens arms
Don't cheer for me Cincinnati
The truth is I never helped you
All through my wild days
My mad existence
I keep my contract
So keep your distance
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BakersDozen: And as for fortune, and championship games
I never invited them in
Though it seemed to the world they were all we desired |
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BakersDozen: They are illusions
They are not the solutions they promised to be
The answer was here all the time
I coach you and hope you don't flee |
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BakersDozen: Don't cheer for me, Cincinnati... /breaks down, is ushered off of balcony |
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RedsFans: /takes up his tune, humming |
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**Online Host**
BakersDozen and CastelliniSky have left the chatroom! |
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RedsFans: *outside, chanting*
La Santa Bakerista!
La Santa Bakerista!
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CastelliniSky: Baseball is more than entertaining peasants! |
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BakersDozen: we shall see, little man |
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**Online Host**
Meanwhile, back in the chatroom... |
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RedsFans: La Santa Bakerista!
La Santa Bakerista!
La Santa Bakerista! |
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RedsFans: Thanks for letting us know this was going to happen today, Charlie. Without you we wouldn't have heard that song and La Santa Bakerista would've never given hope to an entire fan nation. |
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charlie_hustle: Thanks! I had to do a lot to keep the whole thing organized! |
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RedsFans: You have participated in a variety of acts which have famed the saint, and you must now live with the consequences of those acts. |
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charlie_hustle: That's... that's a good thing, ain't it? |
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**Online Host**
charlie_hustle has been banned from musicals for life. |
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charlie_hustle: aw calcuctta |
Photos link to player info. (Photo Credit: Getty Images) WordUpThome.com
Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)
8-21-2008 @ 8:57AM
Matt said...
When Dusty sings, it comes out in my head in Patti LuPone's voice. That is just so wrong.
Reply
8-21-2008 @ 11:08AM
David W. said...
"I coach you and hope you don't flee."
Best Dugout line evar.
Reply
8-21-2008 @ 1:06PM
Donut King said...
Next thing you know, Pete's going to be banned from baseball.
Wait . . . what? That happened? Aww doodlefingers.
Reply
8-21-2008 @ 1:23PM
TomahawkFlop said...
Corey Patterson as the imprisoned Juan Peron should have been incorporated somehow.
Reply
8-21-2008 @ 3:03PM
Jade said...
One of my all-time favorite musicals, and a Pete Rose appearance to boot! Excellent stuff, B. I would have recommended an appearance by Ken Griffey as Che, but he's already gone.
http://www.sportsbastards.com
Reply