The Dugout: ProStars?

Saturday morning cartoons these days (the ones that still exist) are nothing but flash animation with no deeper worth than the bright colors and farts that fill them. Things weren't like this when I was a kid. No, when I was a kid, cartoons were shameless attempts at selling me toys, and then different toys or toy-related foods and services during the commercials. Occasionally they would try to sell me on the danger of drugs (usually marijuana... I learned it by watching you) or the enjoyment of "sports" (usually extreme).

ProStars was the best/worst/most Hammerman-esque example of this. The 400-minute cartoon (if I'm remembering it correctly) starred Bo Jackson, Michael Jordan, and Wayne Gretzky (not really) as sports-themed super heroes who fight crime using super versions of sports equipment. Sometimes they'd write "sports" on a brick and throw it at a criminal!

Anyway, updating ProStars is a project that is long overdue, and it's about time somebody brought the world's sports together once more to save kids from fires and rollerblade under rapidly-closing doors.

Tonight's esoteric-ass Dugout is after the jump.

The Dugout

	pr0ff3ss0r_f4rnsw0rth: /approaches lecturn good evenen gentlemans thank you for joinen me here at the michigan light guard armory on skunk-ape 8 mile road
	pr0ff3ss0r_f4rnsw0rth: home a the historical battle of raps betwixt the marshall mathers an lickety split
	pr0ff3ss0r_f4rnsw0rth: sorry the place smells so bad the michigan right guard armory was bookt solid
	pr0ff3ss0r_f4rnsw0rth: you have been brunged here to be a cog in an 31337 fighten force fer kids an the ignerant known as the "prostars"
	pr0ff3ss0r_f4rnsw0rth: one guy from baseball one guy from football an one guy from urinal cake stick fights convene an use special skills what to save the locals
	pr0ff3ss0r_f4rnsw0rth: reppen mlb is none other than the messiah of the latebreaker kyle farnsworth, because what the hell else does he have to do with his time
	pr0ff3ss0r_f4rnsw0rth: representen football from the detroit lions is barry sanders
	FatalFurrey: Actually Kyle, my name is Mike!
	pr0ff3ss0r_f4rnsw0rth: barry smooths criminals with his signatured spin move
	FatalFurrey: I played in the XFL! For the same team as "She Hate Me!" The back of my jersey said "Don't Go There!" That was my nickname!
	pr0ff3ss0r_f4rnsw0rth: i wanned "the presbyterian tree" christian okoye for his performence in tecmos bowl
	pr0ff3ss0r_f4rnsw0rth: wait a minute you obviously arnt barry sanders because barry sanders was #20
	pr0ff3ss0r_f4rnsw0rth: who the wingding f-word are you
	FatalFurrey: Mike Furrey, wide out for the Detroit Lions! Yeah!!
	pr0ff3ss0r_f4rnsw0rth: mike what
	FatalFurrey: Furrey?
	pr0ff3ss0r_f4rnsw0rth: /shoots Mike Furrey in legs with pump shotgun
	FatalFurrey: AAAH AAAH /collapses to the ground, cradles leg Oh no, my Fantasy League Owned Percentage!
	pr0ff3ss0r_f4rnsw0rth: you're owned percentage is 100% bitch somebody get me another lion an he better not be a lion for sex
	MannyTheTorpedoes: u wanna play spies
	pr0ff3ss0r_f4rnsw0rth: correction somebody get me another lion with a face that dont look like the front side of a thum congradulations you f***en mongaloit you made it to football guess what you are the worst looken guy named "manny ramirez" in perfessional sports
	pr0ff3ss0r_f4rnsw0rth: you look like brudda iz made a toilet baby with fat joe
	pr0ff3ss0r_f4rnsw0rth: are you proud goen through life as the closest liven equivalent to the thing do you harass the yancy street gang with the reachen stick you use to wash yourself
	pr0ff3ss0r_f4rnsw0rth: what a bunch of neck, theres no way
	pr0ff3ss0r_f4rnsw0rth: somebody get pearl from blade out of my site before i become manorexic and practically sh*t my bowels in shame for the rest of my life
	pr0ff3ss0r_f4rnsw0rth: one of these football guys has gotta be as good as barry sanders you there with the dopey constitution what is yer life handle
	NickPunto: Nick Harris!
	pr0ff3ss0r_f4rnsw0rth: i dont care who you are or what you play you are the football guy for the prostars 2000
	NickPunto: whoaaa
	pr0ff3ss0r_f4rnsw0rth: what are you, the quarterback
	NickPunto: The punter!
	pr0ff3ss0r_f4rnsw0rth: the punt- aww the punter is the worse position in the worlt of sports he only comes in when the team is failing
	pr0ff3ss0r_f4rnsw0rth: why dont we just make the prostars out of rebecca lobo an that dipshat kid who thought "pokemon cards" was a sport
	pr0ff3ss0r_f4rnsw0rth: sigggghhh i thought i was casten the prostars not rude dog an the dweebs, at this rate the kids are never gonna be saved
	NickPunto: what kids are we even talking about here
	pr0ff3ss0r_f4rnsw0rth: moving on let me introduce you to our hockey guy, rivers cuomo of the detroit red wings
	EwwDatsyuk: hallo friends!
	pr0ff3ss0r_f4rnsw0rth: before you ask yes i trite to get cecil from the red wings but aparently he left the team to be a paladin
	NickPunto: who was going to ask that
	pr0ff3ss0r_f4rnsw0rth: accorden to wikerpedia, pavel here has plenty of unbelievable moves on the ice an the media calls them a "datsyukian deke"
	pr0ff3ss0r_f4rnsw0rth: i dont know what that means but usen linguistics i know that "deke" are the folks that made inspector gadget an "datsyukian" is what ryu an ken say when they tornado kick so this guy is the best
	pr0ff3ss0r_f4rnsw0rth: can you hit a hockied puck an turn it into a flyen boomerang
	EwwDatsyuk: no, but when I hyit the puck it becomes frozen, vulcanized rubber!
	pr0ff3ss0r_f4rnsw0rth: whoa thats fire AND ice
	pr0ff3ss0r_f4rnsw0rth: football guy what is your most special power
	NickPunto: With a well-placed kick I can turn a regular, everyday football into somebody else's football!
	pr0ff3ss0r_f4rnsw0rth: lol you better have a jax foot under that shoe or else
	pr0ff3ss0r_f4rnsw0rth: okay guys were runnen out of time "price of glory wrestling" needs to get in here an set up the ring so we need to go ahead and write the theme song
	EwwDatsyuk: what are we doingk exactly?
	pr0ff3ss0r_f4rnsw0rth: this song is written to the tune of "we will rock you" by the queens so sing that in your head while i type this if you cant name that tune it is the queen song you know that doesnt go bishmeala in the middle
	pr0ff3ss0r_f4rnsw0rth: my part goes STRIKE OUT, HOME RUN KYLE REALLY GETS IT DONE WE ARE WE ARE PROSTARS WE ARE WE ARE PROSTARS
	pr0ff3ss0r_f4rnsw0rth: an then your part goes SLAP SHOT, GOALIE NET PAVEL IS A SOVI-ET WE ARE WE ARE PROSTARS WE ARE WE ARE PROSTARS
	pr0ff3ss0r_f4rnsw0rth: an then YOUR part goes TOUCHDOWN, TOUGH BLITZ NICK DOES NONE OF THIS WE ARE WE ARE PROSTARS
	pr0ff3ss0r_f4rnsw0rth: then you two intro the cartoon because im too importent to be aroun for that
	EwwDatsyuk: what the hyell are you talkingk about? someone hyelp me, seriously
	NickPunto: /takes off shoe I'm sorry I don't have a robot foot, I'm trying hard to help!
	pr0ff3ss0r_f4rnsw0rth: blargh put yer shoe back on i can smell your punt