If I were the self-centered man that I am, which I am, I'd begin to think that the real-life counterparts of Dugout characters read our interpretations of them and follow suit. This idea is bolstered yet again by the revelation that
Rangers president
Nolan Ryan is displeased with the sluggish offseason practices of his pitchers. Conditioning? Protein shakes? Health? Wellness? Phooey to all that, says Dugout Nolan Ryan. Just find the largest rock you can and lift it over and over until you stop bein' such a popinjay.
This evening's Dugout is after the jump.
The Dugout
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**OnlineHost** Welcome to Offseason Chat!
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NolanOnTheRiver: /punches hand through window, unlocks door
/makes way to kitchen, fills glass of water
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NolanOnTheRiver: /creeps into Kevin Millwood's bedroom
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WoodMill: zzz
zzsh
zzzzzzzzzzzzzz
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NolanOnTheRiver: /pours glass of water on Kevin Millwood's face
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WoodMill: whuupWHA
WHAT
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NolanOnTheRiver: /smashes glass against Kevin Millwood's face
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WoodMill: AAH
AAAHH
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NolanOnTheRiver: Get up, junior. Today you step into Hell.
/spits
50 push-ups. Now.
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WoodMill: okay okay
oof
all right, lemme find my Perfect Pushup thingies
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NolanOnTheRiver: your what
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WoodMill: well, they're basically these two little handles you put on the ground, and they twist around, and you grip them while you do pushups
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NolanOnTheRiver: yeah, i bet they lactate too
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WoodMill: It helps me work several different muscle groups!
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NolanOnTheRiver: You'd best get that sci-fi bullpucky outta here, who do you think I am, captain james startrek
/spits
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WoodMill: You watch that show? I love watching that show! I watch it on DVD while I'm Bowflexing!
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NolanOnTheRiver: Bowflex
Love
DVD
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NolanOnTheRiver: Can't understand a damned word you're saying. Let's get your ass in the kitchen, boy, I'm fryin' you up some salted whiskey bacon and then we're on to business.
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WoodMill: Oh gosh! That's against the recommendations of my personal chef!
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WoodMill: I'm supposed to drink a tomato and raspberry smoothie every morning!
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NolanOnTheRiver: No sir, it'll make you poop urine out your butt.
First things first, junior. 50 push-ups.
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WoodMill: Well can I at least get my Perfect Pushup things? I need them to
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NolanOnTheRiver: No.
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WoodMill: okay fine
/drops to ground
/does pushup
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WoodMill: /tears ligament in arm
AAH AAAAAHH
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WoodMill: IMPERFECT PUSHUP
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NolanOnTheRiver: Sounds like you need Tommy John.
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WoodMill: agh yeah can you drive me to the hospital
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NolanOnTheRiver: Ain't need to drive you all the way out there.
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NolanOnTheRiver: /fetches hammer and chisel
might sting a little, son, open up
/soaks bullet in rum
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Photos link to player info. WordUpThome.com Photo Credit: Getty, Creative Commons
Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)
8-30-2008 @ 1:12AM
JohnnyComeLately said...
Dr. James Andrews would've had another client, if it weren't for Nolan Ryan, and those pesky Dugout writers! Awesome job Jon.
P.S.
The Perfect Push-Up sucks.
I approve this message.
Reply
8-30-2008 @ 11:30AM
Donut King said...
"NolanOnTheRiver: You'd best get that sci-fi bullpucky outta here, who do you think I am, captain james startrek
/spits"
+1
Reply