And here I thought MLB fan mail was just autograph requests and baseball cards with humorous word balloons taped to them. Apparently what this d-bag was sending out constituted a felony! D'oh. No wonder Beckett turned down my fractured take on the Tim Flannery '88 Fleer!
Tonight's late night Dugout is pretty freaking depressing for everyone involved, and after the jump.
Tonight's late night Dugout is pretty freaking depressing for everyone involved, and after the jump.
The Dugout
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TuasonTooSoon: /picks up quill /spreads out parchment |
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TuasonTooSoon: *writing* Dear Cracker... |
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TuasonTooSoon: ...you white animal. I hope you never live long enough to hit more home runs than the great Babe Ruth. |
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TuasonTooSoon: Crackers are like animals and have a short life span. Heath Ledger was a troublemaker, and he had a short lifespan. |
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TuasonTooSoon: Sincerely, David Tuason. /folds parchment |
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TuasonTooSoon: /affixes letter to leg of carrier pigeon |
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TuasonTooSoon: All right, now for what's important. |
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TuasonTooSoon: /dips quill into ink once more |
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TuasonTooSoon: *writing* Dear Derek Sanderson Jeter... |
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TuasonTooSoon: I can't stand you. I don't like watching you play, I don't like listening to you talk, and I am furious when those around me speak your praises. |
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TuasonTooSoon: There are so many reasons to hate you. |
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TuasonTooSoon: You are the captain of the New York Yankees, a team that represents everything wrong with today's money-hungry, media-centric, drug-addled, short-sighted, greedy and continually self-celebrating yet disappointing society. |
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TuasonTooSoon: Additionally you win all the time and my favorite team does not, and that makes you bad. |
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TuasonTooSoon: I could hate that you date beautiful movie stars and divas. I could hate the fist pump. I could hate the call "PAST A DIVING JETER!" as though that is an accomplishment. |
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TuasonTooSoon: I could note that your astrological sign is "Cancer." I could point out how you jump when you throw, especially when you don't need to. I could point out how you milk catches that aren't difficult to make them look impossible, and don't go the extra mile for plays you know you're gonna miss. |
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TuasonTooSoon: I could hate all of the pink jerseys and #2 bracelets at the Yankees team shop. I could hate you for having a shoe called the 6-4-3 even though you're nothing special when it comes to turning a double play. |
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TuasonTooSoon: Every time you get a strike three call there's no way that could've been a strike. You hosted Saturday Night Live. Jeffrey Maier. Your middle name is "Sanderson." |
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TuasonTooSoon: I could hate you for any of these things, but I don't. |
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TuasonTooSoon: If I hated you like any normal person I could get high fives from 29 nations of fans, and we'd band together in a strange brotherhood this season to watch you miss the playoffs for the first time in your career. |
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TuasonTooSoon: But alas, Mr. Jeter, this cannot be, for you see, I am a racist sh**bag who has decided to hate you because of the color of your skin... |
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TuasonTooSoon: ...a color that is, honestly, not too far removed from my own. |
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TuasonTooSoon: That's how racism works, Derek. You are a multi-millionaire who is super famous because he plays professional sports at the highest level for the most famous and successful team in the most famous city in the world. |
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TuasonTooSoon: Despite this, I feel you are inferior to me, a 46 year old living in Pepper Pike Ohio who just lost his girlfriend to a black man, because of your genetic make-up. |
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TuasonTooSoon: It's why I hate Lenny Kravitz. It's why I hate Jenny from The Jeffersons. It's why I sent hateful letters to black celebrities threatening their lives, but wouldn't open my mouth when a black man was right there in front of me, hitting on my girlfriend. |
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TuasonTooSoon: It doesn't make any sense. I am a psychopathic and pathetic ass of a human being who will spend the next three years and 10 months in jail, writing apology letters to you and then eating them. |
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TuasonTooSoon: I hope you can forgive me for wasting the 46 years of life I've been given, for hating you because your parents loved each other, and for eating a whole bunch of food using a whole bunch of oxygen that could've been given to somebody else. |
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TuasonTooSoon: I can write no longer; my eyes grow weary, and the constant, brutal anal sex has given me a case of the crazy legs. |
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TuasonTooSoon: With deepest regrets and tears that are soaked, David Tuason. /folds parchment |
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TuasonTooSoon: /balls letter up /eats letter |
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TuasonTooSoon: /lays down on prison bed, puts arms behind head, crosses feet |
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TuasonTooSoon: /uncrosses feet, grimaces /scoots butt uncomfortably |
| **Online Host** Meanwhile, in the Official Chatroom for Major League Baseball... |
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DrEckEckstein: Oh, neat, I got a fan letter! /hurriedly unseals parchment |
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DrEckEckstein: /reads |
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DrEckEckstein: /faints |
Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)
8-30-2008 @ 12:42AM
JohnnyComeLately said...
Talk shit to a Yankee, get 3 years and 10 months of hardcore anal sex inside a 10x15 cell.
Was it worth it?
Reply
8-30-2008 @ 8:55AM
Donut King said...
I was guessing the "Dear Cracker" letter was headed for Kevin Millar. As usual, I'm WAY off!
Good work B. This guy seems like a total "dushbag".
Reply
8-30-2008 @ 10:09AM
RJ said...
You forgot "Doing that ballet move any time there's a ball 1/2 of an inch inside of the absolute middle of the plate, and then look at the umpire with astonishment when he hesitates to call it a strike."
Reply