bud_is_wiser: Bob.

Got a tip for ya.

TheMelvin: Yeah?

bud_is_wiser: This postseason, we're going to modify the rules of baseball a little.

bud_is_wiser: You know what the problem is now? Baseball teams win just because they score more runs than they allow.

TheMelvin: i wasn't aware that was a problem

bud_is_wiser: It is! Think about it! Do you really want a game as magical and pastoral as baseball spoiled by objective mathematics?

TheMelvin: yep

bud_is_wiser: God! What is wrong with neo-revisionist jerk holes like you? It's called baseball, not calculator-ball.

TheMelvin: oh really, because i thought it was called calculator-ball. seriously, thanks for setting me straight. i have worked in this sport for decades and did not even know what it was called.

bud_is_wiser: You're welcome.

TheMelvin: So, what? You want to completely discard baseball's scoring system and any numbers that arise as a consequence?

bud_is_wiser: Yes. Well, except for the pitcher's "win" stat. It's a great way to measure a player's heart and determination.

bud_is_wiser: Apart from that, winners will be determined by studying each team, and arbitrarily deciding which plays with the most "heart."

TheMelvin: WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN

bud_is_wiser: Oh, you know! Good ol' Teddy Ballgame stuff! Dirt on your uniform! Playing hard!

Uh

bud_is_wiser: /makes a series of ambitious but ultimately meaningless body gestures

bud_is_wiser: /snaps fingers

Scrappiness. Scrappiness! Being a grinder!

TheMelvin: okay, don't really know what those words mean either

bud_is_wiser: sigh

Okay. Words like "scrapper" and "grinder" are metaphorical woven baskets into which you place any positive emotion or fantasy you wish.

TheMelvin: All right, well how do you personally define "scrapper"?

bud_is_wiser: I'm picturing a middle infielder. Skinny, short, kind of ugly. He should be white (this is sort of racist, but only in the subconscious and incidental senses, so it's okay).

bud_is_wiser: He plays hard, despite the fact that my evidence of this is sketchy and anecdotal. He really, really wants to win, and is a great guy, but I don't know the guy personally, so there's no way i could actually know this.

bud_is_wiser: Statistically speaking, he's mediocre, but that's irrelevant since statistics are being usurped in favor of a bunch of sixtysomething baseball analysts who come up with a "thumbs up" or "thumbs down" system following an intense idle navel-gazing session.

TheMelvin: whoa

you are creating your personal god, and you are building him with your own hands

TheMelvin: There's no way I can talk you out of this?

bud_is_wiser: No. Absolutely not. Baseball will finally shed its concrete tenets and become the magical ballet it was always meant to be.

TheMelvin: um

brb

**OnlineHost** Welcome to Postseason Roster Deadline Chat!

TheMelvin: Hey, you interested in trading away David Eckstein?

CitgoGastation: Eckstein? Pfft, sure, I guess. Why do you want him?

TheMelvin: He's uh

He's a real scrapper.

CitgoGastation: ahahaha, what the hell, do you know something I don't

TheMelvin: Just think about it. I'll get my GM in touch with your team shortly.

**OnlineHost** Bob Melvin has left the chat room.

CitgoGastation: Hey Eckstein.

DrEckEckstein: /nibbles frenetically on stale loaf of french bread

CitgoGastation: Eckstein!

DrEckEckstein: /looks up, eyes dart around, hunches on hind legs

CitgoGastation: Think we might trade you to Arizona. You all right with that?

DrEckEckstein: /cocks head, sniffs the night air

/pauses

DrEckEckstein: /returns attention to loaf of bread