The Dugout of Truth

Jose Canseco is a pretty cool guy, right? He did steroids, then wrote a book about how everybody else did steroids, too. He bragged about his boxing prowess and then got trounced in the first round of his Celebrity Boxing exhibition. He's made a post-baseball career out of exploitation and reality shows. And once when I was seven he refused to even look at me when I asked him for an autograph. Blogger remorse!

So with that said, it is with my deepest sincerity that I hope the first question on Canseco's upcoming episode of The Moment of Truth is "Are you a douchebag?" Canseco can answer no and fail right out. Or even funnier, he can answer "yes," THAT answer can be false, and he can go on a journey of self-discovery.

Whatever. Today's Dugout is after the jump.

The Dugout

	Online Host Welcome to the The Moment of Truth Chatroom!
	Marky_L_Mark: Question 11 /millionaire lights
	Marky_L_Mark: "If you could stab your husband with a knife, and the knife would kill him, would you do it?"
	StudioAudience: AWW AWWW GASPPP
	HorriblePerson: /covers mouth in abject terror at question she has already been asked before she went on television /sits /thinks about it
	HorriblePerson: /thinks about it
	HorriblePerson: /gets those reality show tears in the corners of her eyes No.
	Robotic Female That answer is... (six minutes pass) false.
	StudioAudience: WHAT THE AWWW NO AWWW
	HorriblePerson: /looks sorta sad because she lost the game show and for no other reason
	Marky_L_Mark: Sorry, Lauren! /pulls hanging rope
	HorriblePerson: /falls into trap door
	Marky_L_Mark: All right, our next contestant is the one you've been waiting for... a controversial player in the world of steroids and baseball! Let's bring him out!
	Online Host NietoMosquito has entered the chatroom.
	NietoMosquito: How d'do! /waves
	Marky_L_Mark: Question 1 /millionaire lights
	NietoMosquito: /looks around, mouth agape like child at amusement park
	Marky_L_Mark: "If its mother were distracted, would you scoop a baby out of a parked stroller and bite it like a sandwich?"
	NietoMosquito: /looks around /beams
	Marky_L_Mark: Hello?
	NietoMosquito: Huh? Yes'r?
	Marky_L_Mark: If its mother were distracted, would you scoop up a baby and bite it like a sandwich
	NietoMosquito: wull a'course not!
	Marky_L_Mark: oh, well /looks through index cards
	Robotic Female That answer is... true.
	Marky_L_Mark: So tell us about yourself. You're a former baseball player, yes?
	NietoMosquito: M'name is Jose Canseco, y'might remumb'r me as one half'a th'Bash Brothers! I'm in th'forty-forty club, an' one time I yard'd a ball with m'noggin'!
	NietoMosquito: (just josh'n ya folks, m'name is Tom Nieto, an' 'til recently I earn't m'daily bread coachin' 'longside Mr. Willie Randolph fer the New York Mets!)
	Marky_L_Mark: And who've you brought with you today?
	NietoMosquito: wull th'ntention was t'bring m'lovely wife Kar'n, m'know-it-all daughter N'cole, an' th'apple'a m'eye Marcus
	NietoMosquito: but m'wife is busy out "winn'n th'bread" fer the fam'ly, an' th'kids roll'd their eyes an said, "Dad, yer a loser!" But it's okay, y'know how kids can be these days!
	Marky_L_Mark: As you know, the more questions you answer, the more money we give you. Are you ready for the next question?
	NietoMosquito: Ready as Freddy and cool as a 'cumber, let's hear'r!
	Marky_L_Mark: Question 2 /millionaire lights
	NietoMosquito: Heh, s'hard t'get use t'that! "B's m'final answer, Mered'th!"
	Marky_L_Mark: "Have you ever contributed positively to the game of baseball?"
	StudioAudience: BOO NO AWWW
	NietoMosquito: could y'rephrase th'question? That twister's as vague as one'a M'donna's hit songs! (th'song's really named "vogue" if y'haven't heard it! Ref'rences th'great Joe D'maggio!)
	Marky_L_Mark: question number two, have you ever contributed positively to the game of baseball
	NietoMosquito: /wipes brow Sure wish I'd worn m'lucky Mets cap t'day! Thought this was gonna be "business casual!"
	NietoMosquito: Try this on fer size!! In game four of th'85 World Series, I s'prized with a two-strike su'cide squeeze that scored th'final run of Saint Looey's three-zip win!
	NietoMosquito: /sadness washes over face, is immediately replaced by a smile But y'could say th'Cards might'a won two-zip anyways! Herm!
	NietoMosquito: I'm gonna hafta use m'fifty-fifty on this one!
	Marky_L_Mark: We don't do that on this show, these are true and false questions so if you removed half of the answers you'd only have one answer left.
	NietoMosquito: Too shay! Never was too quick with th'ol' algebrer! How about we poll th'audience!
	Marky_L_Mark: We don't do that either, this is all about your opinion.
	NietoMosquito: Then I'll use m'"switch th'question!"
	Marky_L_Mark: I don't even know what that is
	NietoMosquito: Son of a biscuit eater!
	NietoMosquito: Yow! F'rgive th'language, these heat lamps are makin' me a might nervous, heh/ S'pose I'll use m'phone-a-friend!
	Marky_L_Mark: fine, whatever /shuffles through index cards Who do you want to call?
	NietoMosquito: Who knows more 'bout th'game than m'former boss? I'd like t'call Mr. Omar Minaya!
	Marky_L_Mark: all right, AT&T is going to connect us with Omar Minaya, let's hear what he has to say.
	Online Host The phone is ringing.
	NietoMosquito: /twiddles thumbs
	Marky_L_Mark: The producers are telling me that it's going to voicemail. Did you want to try someone else?
	NietoMosquito: D'oh! Plum 'outta luck! Howsabout we try m'old friend an former teammate Terry Francona!
	Marky_L_Mark: Ok, let's try to get Boston Red Sox manager Terry Francona on the line.
	Online Host The phone is ringing.
	NietoMosquito: /catches trough of sweat in eyebrows
	Marky_L_Mark: Terry! This is Mark from "The Moment of Truth" calling.
	Marky_L_Mark: hold on Tom, our producers are telling me that Terry Francona has no idea who you are. Now they're telling me he has hung up.
	NietoMosquito: wull that's strange! Who else can I call?
	Marky_L_Mark: Do you have any more friends?
	NietoMosquito: Mark, I'd like t'call m'friend Teddy!
	Marky_L_Mark: Teddy whom
	NietoMosquito: Teddy th'bear! He's m'teddy bear! I spent an entire aft'rnoon sewin' his head back to his body, so y'could say he owes me one!
	NietoMosquito: I'm just playin'! I'd 'a done it fer him anytime!
	Marky_L_Mark: you want to call a teddy bear
	NietoMosquito: I'll take care've it! /reaches under chair, pulls out Flintstones Phone /places receiver between shoulder and ear /dials rotary phone
	Marky_L_Mark: Tom, we need an answer to the question, we should've taken six commercial breaks by now
	NietoMosquito: /sniffles I was just play'n about callin' Teddy, he's a stuff't animal, he can't answer a phone! I just couldn't think 'a any more friends! /hangs up Flintstones Phone, puts under chair
	NietoMosquito: I hate t'be th'self-absorb'd type, but I'm gonna say "yep!" an hope it's th'truth!
	Robotic Female That answer is... (several minutes go by)
	NietoMosquito: are we gonna hear th'answer or-
	Robotic Female false.
	NietoMosquito: oh
	NietoMosquito: Thanks fer flyin' me out anyhoo, sorry I wasn't a better c'ntestant on yer game show!
	Marky_L_Mark: You can leave now.
	NietoMosquito: Don't wanna be hold'n up yer fun! /starts to stand up Lemme grab th'Flinstone Phone, m'son Marcus'll get a kick outta- /steps on Flintstones Phone, breaks it into pieces
	NietoMosquito: /accidentally steps on Flintstones Phone, breaks it into pieces /reaches down to grab it, moves foot, knocks shattered toy off of show set
	NietoMosquito: 'scuse me sir, could you hand me th' no? wull okay /gets on all fours, awkwardly climbs down from stage
	Marky_L_Mark: Coming up next on The Moment of Truth, a man who says he'll punch a dog in the back of the head for a piece of hard candy

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Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)

9-09-2008 @ 3:15PM

Donut King said...

Finally we get around to mentioning that he played for the '85 Cards. Cheers!

This would be shell-shockingly hilarious if it weren't sooooooooo so sad.