bud_is_wiser: /opens inbox

"From: Jonathan Papelbon
To: Bud Selig
Subject: spies september 24

Message:

bud_is_wiser:

"mr. bud

im in the monastary w my pistol gun
the nights templar r closin in
will u plz sound the horn of distress
bang bang ok i killd one of the nights templars
i did a matrix thing
send help
- agent spy"

bud_is_wiser: sigh

/deletes

**OnlineHost** Hank Steinbrenner has entered the chat room.

HanksForNothing: SELIG

bud_is_wiser: What?

HanksForNothing: /collapses on couch

My life is horrible.

HanksForNothing: The Yankees lost the

bud_is_wiser: Shut up, shut up, shut up.

Let's play a game.

bud_is_wiser: You sit there and continue to be lumpy and joyless, and I'll just imagine what you're about to say.

bud_is_wiser: "The Yankees lost the division this year. We're not going to make the playoffs."

bud_is_wiser: "Somehow I will qualify this result as unfair, despite the fact that we have won every AL East title since 1995."

bud_is_wiser: Oh, I've got it.

"I hate how the divisions are drawn up. It's not fair. It doesn't make any sense for a division called the American League East to be comprised of teams from America's eastern seaboard."

bud_is_wiser: "The American League East features two historically great teams, a kind of okay team, and two more teams that have historically been terrible."

bud_is_wiser: "This year, one of those historically terrible teams have made me look like a punk. They have managed to use 20% of the Yankees' payroll to wipe the floor with our stupid haircuts."

bud_is_wiser: "The AL East is the toughest division in baseball. It became the toughest division in baseball when we started shelling out $150 million in payroll and everyone had to up the stakes to hang with us. Still, horribly unfair."

bud_is_wiser: "I am the child who eats Fig Newtons in his bed and then complains that there are Fig Newton crumbs in his bed."

HanksForNothing: /absent-mindedly jabs finger into ear

HanksForNothing: yeah, that's about right

HanksForNothing: although i was also going to remark that baseball's revenue-sharing system is socialist

bud_is_wiser: Well sure, it's socialist, but it's socialist within the confines of the corporation of Major League Baseball.

bud_is_wiser: Our society is capitalist, but within most capitalist corporations is a socialist structure. One corporate branch will make concessions to a sister branch in order to secure net prosperity.

bud_is_wiser: Do you know anything about business at all?

HanksForNothing: not really, i just like to yell really loud about the trials and tribulations that come along with having a lot of money

bud_is_wiser: I know this sounds awful, so forgive me...but sometimes, sometimes, when I see on the news that a mansion in a gated community burns down, or that a broker loses his fortune on Wall Street, I get really happy about it.

bud_is_wiser: And maybe I would never feel that way if I didn't have to experience people like you.

bud_is_wiser: Do you have any positive qualities at all? I'm curious.

HanksForNothing: well

hmm

HanksForNothing: /takes off shirt, cups hand against armpit, attempts to make fart noise

HanksForNothing: /fails

HanksForNothing: damn it

i used to be reasonably good at that