or, "On the Occasion of Jon Bois' Birthday." Happy birthday, friend, you're still way better at this than me.
Two bits of bad news for Wally Joyner. Firstly, he's been canned as the hitting coach for the San Diego Padres. Secondly, his original Dugout screen name of "WallyJoynerInHolyMatrimony" is slightly too long to be effective, so it's been retired. Thirdly, his good friend DJ A.M. was injured in a plane crash. Here's the footage!
(put YouTube link here)
Tonight's Dugout is for Jon, and features a bunch of things he likes. Try to find them all (Jon doesn't like Castlevania, that one was me)!
The Dugout
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**Online Host** |
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WallyJoynerKersee: Where is everybody? /wanders from room to room |
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WallyJoynerKersee: all right you guys, no more hide and seek, where are you at? /leans head into showers, randomly opens and closes lockers |
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WallyJoynerKersee: y'all are gonna be in trouble when I find you! /opens own locker, sees nothing in it |
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WallyJoynerKersee: /closes locker, looks where name should be, sees nothing |
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WallyJoynerKersee: /hears clicking noise Uh oh. /turns around |
| **Online Host** The next day... |
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MarkPrevious: /sits behind pane of glass, holds shoulder /stares |
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MarkPrevious: It wasn't me who f***ed up. |
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StringerBell: Oh really. So who did? Why the f*** are we in last place? |
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AtHorowitzEnd: /leans forward What we want to do is stay focused on getting you rehabbed. Got a good shot of starting again next year. |
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MarkPrevious: What do you want, huh? Me to take the weight of a 61 an 96 record. |
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StringerBell: /puts fist to mouth, looks around |
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MarkPrevious: Where's Wally at? |
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MarkPrevious: I need to work on my hitting. Where's the hitting coach, Heath? |
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StringerBell: Mark, shut your mouth. |
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MarkPrevious: Where's Wally, that's all I want to know. |
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AtHorowitzEnd: Kid, you better think. |
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MarkPrevious: Where the f*** is Wally? Huh Heath? Heath, look at me. Look at me, where the f*** is Wally? |
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MarkPrevious: /stands up, angrily points, throws out other shoulder I don't want this 39FIFTY wearing motherf***er pitching for my team, I'ma get my own rehab, aight, get back in your car, get the f*** back down to Portland. |
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StringerBell: aight you stupid motherf***er, you made your decision. |
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MarkPrevious: Yeah I made my decision where's Wally at, where the f*** is Wally? WHERE'S WALLY HEATH |
| **Online Host** StringerBell and AtHorowitzEnd are leaving the chatroom. |
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MarkPrevious: HEATH! |
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MarkPrevious: WHERE THE F*** IS WALLY HAH |
| **Online Host** Meanwhile, in the This Is Where Wally Is Chatroom... |
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WallyJoynerKersee: Whew, thanks for pulling me out of harm's way at the last second. You really saved me! |
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PECOTA: IT IS THE LEAST! I COULD DO FOR THE MAN WHO REPLACED ME AT UTILITY INFIELDER FOR THE KANSAS CITY ROYALS |
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WallyJoynerKersee: I just played first base. Did you play first base? |
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PECOTA: I PLAYED ALL! NINE POSITIONS IN MY PREVIOUS TASKING AS "MYSTICAL PROTECTORATE OF COMPLETED LINEUP SHEETS." |
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PECOTA: TWICE I EVEN PLAYED THE PITCHER! |
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WallyJoynerKersee: I remember that, I was in that game. You only gave up one run in two-and-a-third, not bad. How'd the second game go, I didn't see that one. |
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PECOTA: FOR THAT GAME I PLAYED! MY TENTH POSITION: BELLY ITCHER! I SURRENDERED A COSTLY HOME RUN! |
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WallyJoynerKersee: eesh |
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PECOTA: IN ANGUISH I SLEW WILL PENNYFEATHER WITH A BASTARD SWORD AND THROUGH A SERIES OF ACTS! WHOSE CONSEQUENCES I MUST LIVE WITH I BECAME THE SPECTRE YOU NOW KNOW! |
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WallyJoynerKersee: That sucks. Glad I just stood at first, then! |
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PECOTA: YEAH WELL |
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WallyJoynerKersee: So are you going to hook me up with a position in Kansas City now? Do the Royals need any hitting tips? |
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PECOTA: THE ROYALS! NEED MORE THAN TIPS, MY FINE FEATHERED-FRIEND! |
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PECOTA: I HAVE INSTRUCTED KILA KA'AIHUE TO SUP OF HOREHOUND WHILST PROSESSING DRACULA'S RIB, so we're gonna see where that takes us |
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WallyJoynerKersee: Aw come on, I know you need a hitting coach, come on man, just put in a good word for me |
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PECOTA: WALLACE! ARE YOU SERIOUSLY BEGGING ME FOR EMPLOYMENT, I BROUGHT YOU HERE ON A MAGICAL MOTORCYCLE |
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PECOTA: I CAN JUST AS EASILY DROP YOU BACK AT THE CLUBHOUSE AND ALLOW POOT! AND BODIE TO FINISH THE JOB! |
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PECOTA: PERHAPS BODIE WANTS TO BE OUR HITTING COACH: BODIE KNOWS BASEBALL! |
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WallyJoynerKersee: *sniffles* Aw but, but, but... but ... |
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PECOTA: STOP CRYING LIKE A FIRST BASEMAN! STAND UP! AND ACT LIKE A F***IN' UTILITY INFIELDER! |
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WallyJoynerKersee: hey wouldn't it make more sense for the Orioles to be the The Wire parody team? |
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PECOTA: THEY WILL BECOME! ASSOCIATED INTRINSICALLY WITH THE SHOW BEFORE THIS CHATROOM ENDS! YOU SHOULD TAPE THE NEXT EPISODE, THEY MENTION YOU IN IT |
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WallyJoynerKersee: what? |
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PECOTA: IT IS 2002. I AM TELLING BUDDY GROOM TO TAPE THE NEXT EPISODE OF THE WIRE BECAUSE THEY MENTION HIM ON IT. |
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PECOTA: IT IS 2008. WALLY JOYNER HAS WET HIMSELF AT THE BEHEST! OF SOME SMART ASS PAWNS. |
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WallyJoynerKersee: wait, who the f*** is buddy groom |
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Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)
9-25-2008 @ 9:31AM
Nick said...
I was half-expecting him to get hot fat splashed on his face.
Reply
9-25-2008 @ 3:34PM
Barclay said...
Is that something Jon likes?
9-25-2008 @ 11:30PM
Donut King said...
"(put YouTube link here)"
Why am I hearing Dusty Rhodes going "They expodin' da bidness, Tony!" in my head right now?! GET OUT OF MY HEAD, WCW!!!!! THIS IS SERIOUS!
Reply
9-26-2008 @ 1:10PM
Suss said...
"PROSESSING DRACULA'S RIB"
Wow.
Reply
9-26-2008 @ 7:12PM
skeenek said...
I really, really miss Buddy Groom.
Reply