Frank Caliendo Performs a Dugout

This morning, Mr. Lackey touched on the self-canceling nature of Frank Caliendo's apology. For the second consecutive baseball postseason, Frank TV commercials have carped-bombed the baseball-watching experience, and Caliendo expresses remorse. In the same breath, though, he suggests that it wouldn't be advertised so much if the ratings were higher.

Math time. I think it's fair to say that Frank TV gets twenty thirty-second slots per game. Multiply that by, say, four games you might watch in a week on TBS. From commercials alone, that's 40 minutes of Frank TV. Nearly two episodes' worth. I believe we have already paid our Caliendo tax, sir.

Regardless, he is capable of the occasional funny impression, so I have allowed him to perform today's Dugout! It's after the jump.

The Dugout

	LargeHadronCaliendo: Hey folks! Frank Caliendo here! You may recognize me from "every time you open your eyes"
	LargeHadronCaliendo: You may also recognize me from "most every time you close your eyes"
	LargeHadronCaliendo: I also was recently featured in "that dream you always have where you're falling," in which I play "guy who shoves you out of the airplane"
	LargeHadronCaliendo: So, let's get to it! A Dugout, brought to you by the man of a million faces!
	LargeHadronCaliendo: Ahem.
	WordUpThome: MY NAME IS JI JIM THOME
	WordUpThome: NOW THAT THAT'S OUT OF THE WAY, I'LL ENGAGE IN DIALOGUE WITH A "STRAIGHT MAN," AND RARELY ANSWER HIS STATEMENTS DIRECTLY, INSTEAD EMBARKING UPON A SEPARATE AND PERPENDICULAR LINE OF MONOLOGUE
	Elijah_Price: I'm the straight man. It doesn't seem like you're even comprehending what I'm saying, but I'm going to keep talking as if you are.
	WordUpThome: SOMETHING TO WRAP UP MY CIRCUITOUS MONOLOGUE, WRITTEN IN A MANUFACTURED ATTEMPT TO ELICIT SENTIMENT AND EMOTIONAL GRAVITY
	LargeHadronCaliendo: Thank you, thank you. /clears throat
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: sup bitches
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: a lower-case discourse that uncannily resembles, "if zach morris suffered a concussion as a small child and never fully recovered"
	e5_rod: i am alex rodriguez, written from a place of equal parts respect and homophobia
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: and answered with further homophobia
	JetersNeverProsper: I am another "straight man," and serve to offer validation of this homosexual plot angle by being a "normal gay guy"
	JetersNeverProsper: which, in turn, is also kind of bigoted on a level of its own welp
	JetersNeverProsper: /sexual encounter
	LargeHadronCaliendo: Thank you, folks. Here's another.
	NietoMosquito: hey folks! m'name's tom nieto! a whole lotta apostrophes!
	NietoMosquito: m'character exists to perpetuate a plot line similar to the "mr. bill" skits on saturday night live, only somehow more sadistic!
	NietoMosquito: good ol' mr. hands! helpin m'get through this thing called life! oh no don't fire yer good friend tom, mr. hands! OHHHHH OH NOOOOO
	LargeHadronCaliendo: Tom Nieto, everybody. And, finally:
	LadyCop: Hi, my name is
	DudeYerGettinADelmon: /flings bat
	LadyCop: gurrrrrk
	DudeYerGettinADelmon: boom meta-bitch
	SteakGrowsOnDmitri: wheres ya blackface now mu****a
	DudeYerGettinADelmon: ey bra this bitch got like 40 bags a funyuns tucked in he waistband
	SteakGrowsOnDmitri: grab them s***s

Photos link to player info. WordUpThome.com Photo Credit: Getty, Creative Commons

Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)

10-07-2008 @ 1:13PM

Mike Fireball said...

Ahahahaha

Thank you, Jon.

10-07-2008 @ 2:37PM

m said...

Yes! The Youngs speak for all of us!

Queenie said...

"boom, meta-bitch" might be the best thing in the history of ever.

Jerkwheat said...

There is a special place in Heaven for the brothers Young

10-07-2008 @ 4:27PM

Donut King said...

Big bag of awesome was this Dugout.

10-07-2008 @ 6:41PM

Simon said...

This is exactly like when Rikishi was more or less a heel even though people were cheering for him and he hadn't really ever done anything bad, and then he came out to save Mick Foley from The Radicalz.

In this metaphor, Frank Caliendo is represented by a man who murdered his wife and child, which admittedly is a little harsh, but kind of feels emotionally honest, you know?