MLB

The Dugout: [Expletive] Yankees

Posted Oct 08, 2008 10:47PM By B. Thompson Stroud (RSS feed)

Filed Under: Yankees, AL East, The Dugout

Print
Text Size A A A
You know what I'm enjoying? A Yankees-free postseason. The last time that happened I was fourteen years old. You know who was good back then? Freaking Paul Molitor. God forsaken Mark Langston was good back then. We had to churn our butter by hand. I feel like I'm living in Tomorrowland, now. Like the people mover is going to slowly roll me toward a happier America where Tampa has a sports team and Manny Ramirez is more than a Rated Rookie.

Oh well, no matter what the future holds, at least we'll have that fat-headed gentleman to the right, am I right guys? Guys?

Tonight's Dugout (OF TOMORROW!) is after the jump.

The Dugout

ILoveCashMan: Excuse me, sir? May I come in? /knocks on half-open door
HanksForNothing: One minute, I was in the middle of brutally murdering this goat to complete my satanic ritual
HanksForNothing: okay, there we go. What's up?
ILoveCashMan: I need to get your notes about the 2009 starting rotation.
HanksForNothing: The notes on the... on the... oh, yes, yes, the notes on the starting rotation, I should have those here somewhere...

HanksForNothing: /rifles through desk

Ah yes, here we are, the notes /flattens out wadded up napkin

HanksForNothing: /stares at gruesome contents of napkin, gets a thought

Wang.

ILoveCashMan: Sure, Chien-Ming Wang should be ready to go in 2009. /writes "1. Wang" on notepad
HanksForNothing: Then... Roger Clemens! Yessss
ILoveCashMan: That's going to be difficult, sir, Clemens is retired and sort of mired in a shame spiral of drugs and wet-lipped country singers on crystal meth.
HanksForNothing: All right then, how about what's his face
ILoveCashMan: Jonathan Albaladejo
HanksForNothing: What're you, speaking in tongues? No, the other guy, the guy that narc'd on Clemens.
ILoveCashMan: Andy Pettitte?
HanksForNothing: Yeaaah, that guy's got the time-delayed moral compass that'd fit right in with this team. Throw forty mil at him, see if he'll sign with us.
ILoveCashMan: That'll be difficult, sir. Firstly, he's not sure whether or not he's going to play another year. He might retire.
ILoveCashMan: Secondly, he's already on our team, and has been for 11 of the last 14 seasons.
HanksForNothing: Well... throw the money at him anyway.
HanksForNothing: And when I say "throw the money at him" I mean to physically throw the money at him, like, put the money in a tightly-bound sack and-
ILoveCashMan: No, I know what you meant. /writes "2. Pettitte (?)" on notepad
HanksForNothing: How about that prick traitor for third
ILoveCashMan: Mussina hasn't put a timetable on his decision to return either, plus I was thinking we should steer away from using Moose, because one of the mods of this chatroom is an Orioles fan and can't write about him without getting furious.
ILoveCashMan: That's why you called him a "prick traitor," I mean from your point of view that doesn't even make sense
HanksForNothing: Yeah I was wondering about that.
HanksForNothing: All right, have a bunch of big guys go to Mussina's house and beat the crap out of him.
ILoveCashMan: I'd love to! /writes "3. end Mike Mussina" on notepad
HanksForNothing: Fourth in the rotation has got to be either Phil Hughes or Ian Kennedy, whichever one's got the most wins.
ILoveCashMan: uh, as of the end of this season both men are tied with "no wins"
HanksForNothing: No wins? Who the hell is pitching in our playoff games?
ILoveCashMan: Our playoff games? Sir, we didn't make it to the

ILoveCashMan: pretty sure roger clemens is pitching right now, let me check /looks at wristwatch

yep clemens is pitching and we're up 4-2

HanksForNothing: sweet

okay, for fourth we'll go with that reliever, who's his ass, the Fat Joe looking guy
ILoveCashMan: Joba Chamberlain?
HanksForNothing: yeah, that guy can pitch five games without getting hurt, can't he?
ILoveCashMan: hahah nope, anything more than 9 pitches and he gets bone-itis, last night he had to leave a poker game with shoulder strain because the guys switched from 5 to 7-card stud
HanksForNothing: do we have any more prodigious relief pitchers we can shoe-horn into the rotation
HanksForNothing: what about that big cornfed reliever

ILoveCashMan: you're going to have to be more specific, sir, you just described 60% of all Major League relievers.
ILoveCashMan: if you ask me about the "Fat Dominican" you've covered the other 40%
HanksForNothing: Goes by the name of "Farnsworth!" Hear he's some kind of illiterate beast.
ILoveCashMan: Correct on both counts, sir, but we traded Farnsworth away this season.

HanksForNothing: /googles "New York Yankees 40-man roster"

damn why can't I keep up with these things
ILoveCashMan: Probably because you are horrible at this, sir.
HanksForNothing: Ugh, trade for A.J. Burnett, there you go, problem solved.
ILoveCashMan: He won't be a free agent until he opts out of his last two years.
HanksForNothing: C.C. Sabathia
ILoveCashMan: Ran into the ground by the Brewers, fastball tops out at 11mph, probably wouldn't even be an efficient choice to cut your grass now
HanksForNothing: Peavy! Jake Peavy.
ILoveCashMan: Locked up for four years, you'd have to give up every minor leaguer we have and pawn your wedding ring to get him.
HanksForNothing: Johan Santana
ILoveCashMan: was last season
HanksForNothing: Goose Gossage!
ILoveCashMan: retired in 1994
HanksForNothing: Noodles Hahn!
ILoveCashMan: died in 1960
HanksForNothing: juh, Johnny Damon!
ILoveCashMan: is an outfielder
HanksForNothing: The basketball player Shaq!
ILoveCashMan: isn't in our city, doesn't play baseball, as you are aware having prefaced his name with "the basketball player"
HanksForNothing: Aw Brian, I'm out of ideas, I dunno, just pick somebody. Just pick somebody. /wipes brow with rancid napkin
ILoveCashMan: Sidney Ponson it is! /writes happily, wanders out of room
HanksForNothing: Whew, that was a close one. Now back to my... /turns around
HanksForNothing: AAAAH THE DEVIL
HanksForNothing: oh, hi pop
WinBenSteinsBrenner: Bleargh! How goes the Yankees post-season?
HanksForNothing: Great, Pop! Clemens is pitching, we're up 4-2!
WinBenSteinsBrenner: RARRR FIRE HIM
Photos link to player info. (Photo Credit: Getty Images) WordUpThome.com

Tags: brian+cashman, BrianCashman, george+steinbrenner, GeorgeSteinbrenner, hank+steinbrenner, hanksfornothing, HankSteinbrenner, ilovecashman, winbensteinsbrenner

Related Articles

Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)