I am not satisfied with being a song-and-dance man on this blog. I watch baseball, I understand it, I should be able to break down the intangibles and reference the OPS-pluses. So in preparation for tonight's post I opened up my Baseball Prospectus and studied my PECOTA, and when I couldn't think of any Watchmen parodies for the ALCS I decided to break it down into what the mascots were saying if they were arguing. Of course the mascots don't really talk, but they're supposed to be typing, so it's okay. And if you think too hard about our illogical typing/talking to each other in real life interface, just imagine that instead of talking they're saying these things through high-fives and elaborate pantomime.

Tonight's Dugout features mascots that're fun for the whole family, so obviously there will be some harsh language and adult situations. Reader discretion is advised.