The Dugout: Barry Bonds Collusion Course

Headline: COLLUSION!

Barry Bonds is being kept out of baseball, and nobody can understand why. The fans don't understand. They want to see Barry hit the homers! The owners don't understand. Who wouldn't want a great player like Barry Bonds on their team? He has hit so many home runs! The MLBPA doesn't understand. Barry is a loving, pleasant man who brings smiles to faces wherever he goes. So what can it be?

Barry and his agent attempt to figure it all out in today's Dugout, after the jump.

The Dugout

	BorrisToTears: Did you try JCPenny?
	GoldBonds: barry bonds applied at the j.c. pennies, he applied at the belk-leggett, he applied at value city and at the damn babbages
	BorrisToTears: Bath and Body Works?
	GoldBonds: they gave me the stink eye when i turned in the application, although that mighta been the store
	BorrisToTears: Hot Topic?
	GoldBonds: all positions have been filled by the locale's fat little sisters
	BorrisToTears: What about the Eckō Unlimited?
	GoldBonds: they took my application, drew an asterisk on it, and mailed it to mall security
	GoldBonds: i even applied at that big empty store with all the big gold framed paintings on easels but nobody was in there so i ain't sure that was a store
	BorrisToTears: Hmmm, something is definitely up. A man with your resume should be able to get a job anywhere in this mall.
	BorrisToTears: Here, let me give you this...
	GoldBonds: /exposes butt cheek, bends over all right i trust you
	BorrisToTears: No, these are some papers I printed up about "collusion," I think you should take a look at them.
	GoldBonds: /puts on bifocals, holds paper at arms length "Collusion is an agreement, usually secretive, which occurs between two or more persons to deceive-
	GoldBonds: look son if barry bonds wanted to read at the mall he would stand around in front of the magazines at the walden books
	BorrisToTears: Just read the part I highlighted for you
	GoldBonds: "oligopoly" what is that a russian board game
	GoldBonds: do not pass go an collect 200 rupees or some sh**
	BorrisToTears: No, the part about how the owners of the stores in this mall are working together to keep you from getting a job.
	BorrisToTears: That kid at the Radio Shack told you to apply online because he wanted to get rid of you!
	GoldBonds: collusion, yes this explains so much
	GoldBonds: collusion has not nothing to do with barry bonds!!!
	BorrisToTears: I tell you what, put in an application here, and if they don't want a broken 45 year old who brings nothing but paparazzi and mediocrity to the job we'll know for sure that something is up.
	GoldBonds: i will bust up the next man what colludes me
	Online Host Welcome to the Yankee Candle Chatroom!

	GoldBonds: /wanders aisles
	GoldBonds: /picks up "Green Grass" candle /smells /kind of misses that smell /puts candle down
	GoldBonds: /picks up "Professional Integrity" candle /smells /makes face, waves hand in front of face /puts candle down
	NietoMosquito: 'scuse me, sir! Are ya findin' ev'rythin' okay?
	GoldBonds: no where the hell are the candles

	NietoMosquito: Um, heh! Can I help you t'locate a sp'cific fragrance of cand'l t'day?
	GoldBonds: hey aint you the guy i saw down at the shack eatin his peanut butter jelly sandwich off the sidewalk
	NietoMosquito: Some days'r better'n others! I miss th' smilin' faces of th' Radio Shack! Like one of m'regulars, Murray, buyin' the MadCatz pads for his gran'son Charlie!
	GoldBonds: don't care
	NietoMosquito: Sometimes th' entire family would come in, look'n for bat'tries or somethin' small. Murray's wife was a trip!
	NietoMosquito: Ask'n ol' Tom about "Intenda games" ! She wasn't aware a' th' product name! You could say she was th' world's most incorrect gran'ma!
	NietoMosquito: we'd laugh n' laugh! Yep, moments like that help me t'remember m'best days in baseball!
	GoldBonds: don't carreeeee
	GoldBonds: are y'all hiring
	NietoMosquito: 'Fraid you're outta luck, Bare! I jus' start'd a few weeks ago! Could I in'trest you in Spiced Pum'kin or Ging'rbread Swurl t'help ease th' disappoinm'nt?
	GoldBonds: you don't open your mouth big enough when you talk so i can't understand you are you hiring at this particular establishment
	NietoMosquito: S'pose we fit you for a Holiday Home Sweet Home®! Smells like smoked firewood n'-
	GoldBonds: english motherf***er do you speak it
	NietoMosquito: Sorry! Sometimes m'constitution gets th' best of me! Nope, we're not hirin' t'day!
	GoldBonds: COLLUSION! COLLUSION ARRRRRRRR /thrashes wildly
	Online Host GoldBonds has knocked over an entire shelving unit of Frosted Cedar Wreath candles.
	GoldBonds: /storms out of store
	NietoMosquito: Oh no! M'candles!
	manager: Tom! What in the world is going on out here? THE CANDLES!
	NietoMosquito: Ev'rythin's okay, Ms. Willoughby-Knox! /squats over shattered candles, scoops shards of glass into little piles with hands
	NietoMosquito: Heh; just a li'l blood! Won't take away from th' winter-fresh s'prise!
	manager: This is the third time, Tom, we can't keep paying for this. Take your things, and go, you're fired.
	NietoMosquito: But m'job!
	manager: Just, just leave the mess Tom, I don't want to see your face here anymore. Give me the hat, get out of here.
	NietoMosquito: wull, wull /takes off hat slowly
	NietoMosquito: /smiles Thanks for th'opportunity, Ms. Willoughy-Knox! I sure had a ton 'a fun learnin' about all the diff'rent scents!
	manager: Goodbye, Tom.
	NietoMosquito: Tell th' lady in the back that if she has any more questions I'll be sittin' out there in th' food court!
	Online Host Meanwhile, outside the store in the General Mall Chat!
	BorrisToTears: Was it collusion? Is that why you didn't get the job?
	GoldBonds: IT'S THE ONLY POSSIBLE REASON
	GoldBonds: ARGH MY BODY IS FILLED WITH "NATURAL AGING PROCESS RAGE!"
	BorrisToTears: C'mon, Barry, let's guilt Major League Baseball into giving you a job in Kansas City.
	GoldBonds: yes let's talk to bud selig he will fix things bud has a long history of positively fixing things, right
	Online Host BorrisToTears and GoldBonds have left the chatroom. Online Host NietoMosquito has entered the chatroom.
	NietoMosquito: /walks slowly to food court
	NietoMosquito: /sits down in front of Chic-fil-A, puts hands in pile of balled up napkins
	NietoMosquito: /lowers head to table
	VapidTeen: ummm, hyelloooo, you're in my SEAT
	NietoMosquito: Oh. Oh, sorry ma'am! heh...
	NietoMosquito: /sits in floor