The Dugout with Regis and Kelly

"Wait, what did you say my name was?"

Before you read tonight's non-tangential Dugout (not to be confused with tonight's non-tanned-genital Dugout, which is about Jose Canseco), make sure you read R&B star Eamonn Brennan's servicing of Kelly Ripa pulling Merkle-esque boner on Live with Regis and Kelly. For you see, Mike Schmidt's last name may be easily mispoken as the waste matter discharged from the intestines through the anus. Don't look at me, I had no idea either until I watched that video.

The video is not S for W, but thanks to the magic of asterisks you should be able to read the transcript of what went down by clicking below. I would like to say in advance that I have nothing against Kelly Ripa and she seems like a fine woman, and the cuter you are, the easier it is for you to use the colloquial form of "doodie" on daytime television without repurcussion. I would also like to say that the people I can remember from the show "Channel One" really date me.

Tonight's Dugout is after the jump.

The Dugout

	EveryPlanetWeRegisDead: Gelman, what do you think of the steroids? He loves the steroids, you know. LOVES 'em! Gelman on STEROIDS! Huh HO!
	RipaFart: That's right, Ree'g! But I think the Phillies can pull it off. I really, because, I'm thinking!
	RipaFart: I really because I'm thinking back to 1980...
	EveryPlanetWeRegisDead: wu-uh oh!
	RipaFart: Right, when the Phillies won the World Series that year. I'll never, I was talking about this the other day...
	RipaFart: ...we had a substitute teacher and there was a rumor that swirled through Berlin Community School that this guy was Mike Sh**ts, !!! /covers mouth
	RipaFart: Mike SCHMIDT's! /covers face Excuse me, pardon me!
	EveryPlanetWeRegisDead: GET ANDERSON COOPER ON THE PHONE! I can't TAKE it anymore!
	RipaFart: Pardon me, Mike Schmidt's twin... brother. Nevermind!
	RipaFart: Well, do you, do you remember the last time the Phillies were in the World Series? Back in /checks card, 1993?
	RipaFart: And they lost it, the Phillies lost it at the last batter...
	EveryPlanetWeRegisDead: What a shame, lost it at the last minute!
	RipaFart: That's right, the Toronto Blue Jays' Joe Carter hit a home run off of Phillies relief pitcher Bitch Williams... !!! /covers face
	RipaFart: Oh no! I mean to say Mitch, not the B-word! Du'h! /climbs under desk
	EveryPlanetWeRegisDead: She means to say Mitch, but she says BITCH! SOMEBODY GET LISA LING ON THE PHONE, I'M GONNA KILL MYSELF!
	RipaFart: Fergit it! I don't wanna talk about the Phillies anymore!
	RipaFart: Let's talk about some of the great moments from, from World Series history! Like when the Red Sox broke the curse of the Bambino in 1986...
	EveryPlanetWeRegisDead: Not exactly how it happened, but yes, Ha-HA! Yo, Mookie, STAY BLACK!
	RipaFart: Well, I see Gelman is telling me that the Red Sox did NOT win that year, I remembered them winning? The Mets actually won that year.
	RipaFart: And the most famous moment from that World Series is of COURSE, the one we all remember, where the ball rolled through the legs of first baseman Bill F***ner...
	EveryPlanetWeRegisDead: F-word! THE F-WORD! IS THAT YOUR FINAL ANSWER!
	RipaFart: Whoops, the card says "Buckner!" What'd I say?
	EveryPlanetWeRegisDead: GET RAWLEY VALVERDE ON THE PHONE, I'M GOING TO SLIT MY THROAT IN FRONT OF EVERYONE
	RipaFart: Today just isn't my day, is it, Ree'g??
	EveryPlanetWeRegisDead: ha-HA, NOPE!
	RipaFart: All right, I just wanted to take a break from my sixteen jobs and 265 kids to tell the nice people about the World Series.
	RipaFart: I don't want to embarrass myself any further, so for the rest of the show I'm just going to read player names off of teleprompter. What does that say, Paul Assenmuncher?
	RipaFart: Rusty Ct? Mike's Weenie. Albert poop hole, Koskee F* you dome, Don Assy, Clay F*hole, Rad-hames Dk-off... /looks up from card
	RipaFart: Greg Legg? That one sounds fake!
	EveryPlanetWeRegisDead: Could be! TELL KATHY KRONENBERGER AND SERENA ALTSCHUL TO ASSASSINATE ME, I BEG YA! I'LL PAY THEM!
	RipaFart: My husband Matéo thinks the Phillies are going to win, Ree'g, who do you think is gonna win?
	EveryPlanetWeRegisDead: The RAYS! They're a good young team, and they've got HEART!
	RipaFart: y'see, I don't think the Rays are going to win, because the Phillies have better colors!
	RipaFart: Additionally, /looks down at card sht, pss, fk, ct, cksucker, motherfer, and t*s. /looks up, smiles
	RipaFart: Whoops!
	EveryPlanetWeRegisDead: /bashes in head with coffee cup

Photos link to player info. (Photo Credit: Getty Images) WordUpThome.com

Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)

10-25-2008 @ 12:12AM

petejayhawk said...

This just in from the Hacienda: Kris Osborn and Monica Novotny are saddened and dismayed by their exclusion from this installment of The Dugout.

10-25-2008 @ 12:14AM

Donut King said...

Good (fornicating) Lord . . . I wasn't aware anyone else remembered Channel One. Apart from it being Anderson Cooper and Lisa Ling's career springboards. Rawley Valverde? Is that dude still alive?!

Brilliant. Just brilliant, man!