Wahoo Messenger: Cliff 'Em All

In a shocking turn of events, it was announced on Thursday that Cleveland Indians pitcher Clifton "Cliff" Lee had been voted the AL Cy Young Award winner for 2008. His 22-3 record and 2.54 ERA were good enough to top Roy Halladay, Daisuke Matsuzaka, Francisco Rodriguez, and even fireballer Kyle Farnsworth. It certainly did not hurt that Lee won 22 games for an Indians team that only won 26 all season.

As an Indians fan and a resident of Cleveland (well, Bedford), two things have gotten me excited about this: One, that another Indians pitcher gets honored by the league, and two, that next year I will undoubtedly get a Cliff Lee Cy Young bobblehead to go on my shelf next to Cy Cy Sabathia.

Tonight's ~~Dugout~~ Wahoo Messenger is after the jump. And yes, the story about the little girl in Heritage Park is 100% true.

The Dugout

	CyingYoung: ...and with that, I officially award you the Captain Obvious Cy Young Award for the American League of Baseball Clubs, 2008!
	ACliffLeeTiltingPlanet: whoa, Cy Young! I didn't know you were still alive!
	CyingYoung: I'm not, I died in 1955. I'm typing this to you from Hell!
	ACliffLeeTiltingPlanet: Hell has an Internet connection?
	CyingYoung: yeah but it's Prodigy dial-up and the devil keeps picking up the phone
	ACliffLeeTiltingPlanet: That sucks, I thought a great baseball player like you would've made it to Heaven, for sure.
	CyingYoung: eh well I killed a guy once, so I mean
	CyingYoung: Anyway, how fares Cleveland? I haven't been there since last year. Is Garfield Heights still built on a sh***y dump
	ACliffLeeTiltingPlanet: if by "Garfield Heights" you mean "Ohio" then yes
	ACliffLeeTiltingPlanet: hey this might be a weird question but are you allowed to post in here? Were you an Indian?
	CyingYoung: Jesus, what're you, Dominican? Of course I was an Indian! Don't you ever go to Heritage Park?
	ACliffLeeTiltingPlanet: yeah but the last time I went a little girl pointed to a picture of Joe Jackson and said "this michael jackson daddy?" so I've never been back
	ACliffLeeTiltingPlanet: sorry I just think of you as having played for the Red Sox
	CyingYoung: Sure, but when I started playing for them they weren't known as the "Red Sox."
	ACliffLeeTiltingPlanet: They weren't?
	CyingYoung: No, they were the "Boston Americans," to reflect the pointed patriotism and esoteric vagueness of the era.
	CyingYoung: back then the Reds were known as the "Cincinnati Petite Bourgeoisie."
	CyingYoung: Semantically you're right, though, I was never an "Indian," I was a Cleveland Spider. At the end of my career I played for the "Cleveland Naps."
	ACliffLeeTiltingPlanet: because of Nap Lajoie, right?
	CyingYoung: No, because baseball is f****ing BORING.
	CyingYoung: Don't believe the wistful documentaries, kid, players in my day were terrible. My "cyclone" fastball went 30mph and if I threw it once I had to rest for two weeks.
	CyingYoung: We didn't have PEDs, we had rolling pins and those exercise machines with the big belt that shake the sh** out of you. We drank our milk straight from the cow's ass.
	ACliffLeeTiltingPlanet: I don't thi-
	CyingYoung: You heard me.
	CyingYoung: So what's Cleveland doing this offseason? It's about time we took that last step or four to make this a championship team.
	ACliffLeeTiltingPlanet: Oh things are really exciting for the Indians, we're getting rid of Sal Fasano and thinking about signing Casey Blake!
	CyingYoung: are you... ?
	CyingYoung: if you guys want to be the first 45 minutes of Major League for the rest of infinity that's your call, but I am too old and too dead to put up with this much longer
	CyingYoung: Here is how you fix the team
	ACliffLeeTiltingPlanet: /takes notes on brim of hat with sharpie
	CyingYoung: Bat Sizemore third, enjoy the extra 70 or so runs you get for doing so. I don't know if it's Grady's ego or Wedge's ego keeping you from doing this, but locate the ego responsible and kick it in the f***ing ear.
	CyingYoung: Permanently remove Peralta from short. He has the grace of an island hog. You need his bat, but you do not need his deformed lobster hands.
	CyingYoung: Play Carroll. He can't hit worth a queef but he's got a lot of heart, he fires everybody up, and it's nice to have one guy in the lineup who can make it to second on a ball off the wall.
	CyingYoung: Ben Francisco should be playing every day. Andy Marte should be launched into the sun.
	CyingYoung: Tell Hafner to poop or get off the pot. If he's going to keep milking that shoulder let him go down and be the Mickey Mantle of AA until he retires.
	CyingYoung: Rafael Betancourt is good, but he is not the answer. Use that 20 million you got for changing the stadium name to get him some help.
	CyingYoung: Train your players right, keep them healthy. When you're all on the same page you are the best page in the book.
	CyingYoung: Lastly, tell the Indians "Fun Bunch" to throw some goddamned T-shirts into the cheap seats from time to time, the people sitting in the front row behind the dugout can buy their own T-shirt
	CyingYoung: actually, scratch that, set fire to the Fun Bunch
	CyingYoung: oh and put "Ketchup" into your starting lineup, he's got more hustle than Garko
	ACliffLeeTiltingPlanet: okaaaay, got it! /dots i
	CyingYoung: let me see that, what'd you write /takes hat, looks at brim "New uniforms?" That's all you wrote?
	ACliffLeeTiltingPlanet: I was thinking black alternates! Those'd get us into the playoffs!
	CyingYoung: now I remember why I killed that guy sigh all right, who's scheduled to win the Cy Young in 2009
	ACliffLeeTiltingPlanet: Fausto Carmona
	CyingYoung: all right see you next year

Photos link to player info. WordUpThome.com Photo Credit: Getty Images

Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)

11-15-2008 @ 1:15AM

KingGreat said...

Cy Young is so crotchety. I guess never winning a Cy Young award will do that to you. He also looks foppish. Meanwhile, I wrote "crotchety" and "foppish" in a sports blog.

11-15-2008 @ 1:17AM

CF said...

I was going to ask if that was the cover for A Swiftly Tilting Planet. Then I finally noticed Lee's screen name and felt dumb.

11-15-2008 @ 10:52AM

Donut King said...

CyingYoung: back then the Reds were known as the "Cincinnati Petite Bourgeoisie."

Marx, is that you?

11-15-2008 @ 1:42PM

triberocks4 said...

I actually fully agree with all Cy's advice. Marte is taking up more room than Warren Sapp in a port-a-potty, Peralta has made the jump-throw into an obscene gesture, and RERISH ISN'T WINNING. Great Dugout/Wahoo Messenger.