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MLB

The Dugout Presents Yankee Refocus Giant-Sized Annual #1

Posted Nov 16, 2008 10:48PM By B. Thompson Stroud (RSS feed)

Filed Under: Blue Jays, Brewers, Diamondbacks, Dodgers, Padres, Phillies, Red Sox, Yankees, MLB Rumors, MLB Transactions, The Dugout

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Great, now we're getting to that point in the offseason where every news update is about how the Yankees are "interested in" the big free agents and how some guy from some network interviewed them and they totally said they'd love to play for the Yankees, and on and on and blah blah blah. We've been doing this comic long enough to know the two great truths about the Yankees, and they are presented to you in chatroom form below.

Have the Yankees considered getting new uniforms? It works for everybody else. Maybe they can get a mascot. Make him a vague, shaggy grey thing named "OPS the Dog!"

Tonight's giant-sized Dugout is after the jump.

The Dugout

HanksForNothing: Two things.
BetweenHeavenAndHal: Number one, these chatrooms have gotten too tangential.
HanksForNothing: So no random quoting or homaging in the middle of the conversation, we want this to be straight-forward and to-the-point.
BetweenHeavenAndHal: We're coming at you in the style of the old chatrooms, the style of our father, so that means nothing but brute honesty, a web of lies, and nonstop hyperbole.
HanksForNothing: And if any a yous tries to act out "Harold and Maude" or something to express a greater point I'll slit you in the f***en throat.
BetweenHeavenAndHal: Number two, the 2008 Yankees got stuck in the butthole of a whale, so we're rebuilding the ocean from the abyssal plain up.
HanksForNothing: That means money, and lots of it.
BetweenHeavenAndHal: We're interested in signing the best available free agent pitchers.
HanksForNothing: And to guarantee that, we're signing ALL of the free agent pitchers.
BetweenHeavenAndHal: And to guarantee THAT, we're giving C.C. Sabathia so much money that he could walk into a Best Buy and singlehandedly annihilate our economy.
NeedsABathia: /pumps fist

HanksForNothing: I don't have time for jokes, so I'm just going to read off these orders and you're going to accept them.

/puts on reading glasses
/unfurls budget scrolls
HanksForNothing: Ben Sheets.
SheetsTheOne: Present!
HanksForNothing: Shut up. 2 years, 80 million dollars.
SheetsTheOne: boi-oi-oi-oinnngggg
BetweenHeavenAndHal: A.J. Burnett, 4 years, 135 million dollars, your own line of collectible jewelry at the Yankees team shop.
AJay_Burnett: And there's no catch?
HanksForNothing: Two things.
BetweenHeavenAndHal: Number one, your contract is in American dollars, so if you want to stay in Canada while you play for us your contract works out to about 25 bucks a year.
HanksForNothing: Number two, if you ever grow out that Pat Borders crap-fro you sometimes have your contract is void and I get to punch you in your face.
AJay_Burnett: Sold!
HanksForNothing: Derek Lowe. 6 years, 260 million dollars, statue of you hoisting orphans built outside of New Yankee Stadium.
LoweBlowe: I'm ready to make a "Lowe Impact!!"
BetweenHeavenAndHal: Jake Peavy, 11 years, 1.2 billion dollars, posh apartment inside the head of the Statue of Liberty.
HanksForNothing: And our robotics team'll make it so that you can pilot the Statue like Voltron and walk around town in it.
BetweenHeavenAndHal: Kind of like what happened in Ghostbusters 2.
EVPeavyJapanevy: You sure have a way with people!
HanksForNothing: THAT WAS HAROLD AND MAUDE, I SAID I'D KILL YOU
BetweenHeavenAndHal: Randy Johnson.

BigJohnson: /looks around

seriously?
BetweenHeavenAndHal: $6 million for every ball you throw, $2 million bonus for every ball you do not.
HanksForNothing: In addition, we will initiate a vampires/lycans-esque blood war betwixt the Yankees and the New York Liberal Elite Media that does not stop until you are drinking Coors Light from the skull of Col Allan.
BigJohnson: but I'm not that good anymore
BetweenHeavenAndHal: Don't worry, we're going to feed you samples of Walter Johnson's hair until you absorb his pure S-cells.
HanksForNothing: Jamie Moyer.
NeedsABathia: Not here, boss.
HanksForNothing: Well where the hell is he?
NeedsABathia: Visiting his grandma, I think.
SheetsTheOne: He can't be visiting his grandma, his grandma is right here.
MoyerBodyGirl: sighhh
BetweenHeavenAndHal: League minimum of 12 million a year, but you remain contracted until death.
MoyerBodyGirl: That's gonna be the best two years of my life!
HanksForNothing: Who is left? Schilling?
CowboyCurtS: lol no way
HanksForNothing: 200 billion dollars to never pitch again, 400 billion if you become a mute who never pitches again
BetweenHeavenAndHal: 600 billion if you bleed from the feet while you do it
NeedsABathia: excuse me can we go over the particulars of my contract, I am late for several meals
HanksForNothing: infinity dollars, do whatever you want
BetweenHeavenAndHal: immortality, time machine, the ability to breathe fire, super power of invisibility
BetweenHeavenAndHal: two different bobblehead nights
HanksForNothing: I will kill myself right here in front of everybody if you don't sign
BetweenHeavenAndHal: three different bobblehead nights
HanksForNothing: do you really want my blood on your hands c.c.
NeedsABathia: naw I guess not
BetweenHeavenAndHal: Excellent! Excellent. So what does that make our starting rotation for 2009?
HanksForNothing: "Wang, Sabathia, Peavy, Burnett, Joba Chamberlain, Sheets, Johnson, Joba Chamberlain again, Jamie Moyer."
BetweenHeavenAndHal: and if Moose returns that gives us a great 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-5 again-8 punch!
HanksForNothing: argh this isn't good enough somebody tamper the hell out of Johan Santana
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: excuse me stimebrenner i dident hear my name callt where do you want me
HanksForNothing: in Detroit, dying slowly of professional dysentery
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: /looks around
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: pish, y'all are still finishen in second
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Tags: a.j.+burnett, A.j.Burnett, ajay_burnett, ben+sheets, BenSheets, betweenheavenandhal, bigjohnson, c.c.+sabathia, C.c.Sabathia, cc+sabathia, CcSabathia, cowboycurts, curt+schilling, CurtSchilling, derek+lowe, DerekLowe, evpeavyjapanevy, hal+steinbrenner, HalSteinbrenner, hank+steinbrenner, hanksfornothing, HankSteinbrenner, jake+peavy, JakePeavy, jamie+moyer, JamieMoyer, loweblowe, moyerbodygirl, needsabathia, pr0ff3ss0r_f4rnsw0rth, randy+johnson, RandyJohnson, sheetstheone

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