The Dugout: Eri Yoshida Saga

Our last dugout, The Dugout presents Yankee Refocus Giant-Sized Annual #1, was one of our most critically acclaimed of the FanHouse era (by "critically acclaimed" I mean "nobody told us to get a real job"). One of the complaints we've gotten since joining up here is that our stuff is too esoteric and tangential for the mass audience and that our specific kind of esotericism is nerdy as balls and offputting to even the remaining niche audience. The Yankee Refocus Dugout was in the spirit of our Progressive Boink Dugouts, straight-forward jokes and a ton of hyperbole about how the Yankees are gay and rich. It's what works.

So, in the spirit of continuing that upward momentum, here is a Dugout about Eri Yoshida, the first woman drafted into the Japanese professional baseball league, done in the nerdiest way I could imagine. If you spent most of the mid-90s looking for a Suncoast video to buy original language track versions of anime TV shows on VHS, you will probably love this. If you are not one of those 18 people, you will hate it. Sorry, this is the only way I know how to cover the story.

Tonight's Dugout is after the jump.

Update: New content added 11/19
Update 2: Well, okay, just a little bit

The Dugout

	BetweenHeavenAndHal: 140 million dollars over two years, 141 million dollar signing bonus if you let us do a regular chat
	HanksForNothing: And we'll buy the Fukuoka SoftBank Hawks and change their name to the "Tsubasa Baseball Club"
	BetweenHeavenAndHal: and then we'll change their name to the Tsubasa Chronicle Baseball Club
	HanksForNothing: And we'll build a billion dollar stadium in the Clow Kingdom
	KoshiGoLean: But will your jock-and-fat guy audience appreciate wordplay about anime and Japanese baseball history??
	BetweenHeavenAndHal: well, no, probably not
	HanksForNothing: maybe the fat guys
	KoshiGoLean: Regardless, I give permission for this edition of The Dugout to be a parody of Excel Saga!
	Online Host Welcome to Quack Experimental Webcomic The Dugout!
	LordPhilpalazzo: /sits in throne dressed like somebody from Lunar
	LordPhilpalazzo: The world is corrupt! There have been no women in professional baseball, therefore we must use our-
	ExEri: HAIL PHILPALAZZO! Yay, Lord Philpalazzo, hooray! Love! Love! Pala-pala-la-zo-zo-zo-zo!
	ExEri: I, ExEri, will use my cunning and dexterity to infiltrate Nipoon Professional Baseball, I will also use my HOME RUN and literally on-fire fastball for maximum productivity and conquering of the league in the great name of Lord Philpalazzo!
	LordPhilpalazzo: Pryatt! What would be the simplest way to sneak a woman into the big leagues?
	Pryatt: By throwing nothing but knuckleballs,
	ExEri: ...palazzo! Dynamite love! The undying truth of the new league's vision! The powerful yet minty breath of-
	LordPhilpalazzo: Knuckle ball. Precisely!
	ExEri: EEEEH? /gets giant teardrop on head, collapses
	LordPhilpalazzo: Brilliant thinking, Pryatt, as always.
	Pryatt: cough cough /puts hand to suddenly bleeding mouth
	ExEri: There you go, dying again! How did they even let you into the Major Leagues?
	LordPhilpalazzo: ExEri, you hapless teenager!
	ExEri: /is immediately upright again /salutes YES, LORD PHILPALAZZO!
	LordPhilpalazzo: I want you to try out for the Nippon Professional Baseball League using only the knuckleball.
	ExEri: Yes, I, ExEri, will do this for you! I will strike out Fukudome as many times as necessary to become drafted, then rise through the ranks and take over the league!
	ExEri: The ball will move so slowly that the mere thought of swinging will begin to play backwards in the thinker's mind, and his swing will move in the wrong direction, as I have understood physics
	ExEri: /dances around The great and all-knowing Philpalazzo's knuckleball will be known across Japan for its nothingness and decrepit slow-ocity!
	ExEri: /is surrounded by a thousand imagined flashbulbs I, ExEri, will use said knuckleball in conjunction with my knuckles to bring forth a new era of-
	LordPhilpalazzo: /shoots ExEri to death with pistol
	Pryatt: /lifeless corpse is dragged away by rats
	Online Host Oh, this parody isn't working, at this rate we're never get to a punchline... /resets Dugout Online Host Welcome to the Construction Site chatroom!
	ExEri: /wears hardhat, poses The first step to the Major Leagues is a strong work ethic!
	Vote4Pedro: sighhh
	ExEri: What's the matter, Pedro? Surely you have what it takes to make it in the Major Leagues without resorting to knuckleballs!
	Online Host please play the Background Music now
	Vote4Pedro: Yes... /stares at stock footage in background
	Vote4Pedro: I only wonder what my son and sexy wife are doing now, I have been away from them for so long...
	ExEri: Surely your 30-year-old son is doing fine without you and if your wife is as sexy as you say she will have no suitors while you're away!
	Vote4Pedro: Yes, I suppose you are right...
	Online Host Meanwhile, at Pedro's Home...
	Son: /kicks baseball
	Wife4Pedro: Pedrooo! Time for dinner sweetheart, stop practicing that baseball!
	Son: I have to keep prrrracticing, Mama! Papa will be home any minute! He has been gone for so long!
	Wife4Pedro: Don't be silly, you have a new Papa now! And he is much better at pitching for the Mets!
	JohanSolo: Ha ha! Yes son, come to dinner!
	Vote4Pedro:
	Online Host Please stop the background music now.
	Menchi: /walks into spotlight / reads from sheet music
	Menchi: myow myowwwww myow-myow-myowwww

Photos link to player info. (Photo Credit: Getty Images) WordUpThome.com

Reader Comments (Page 1 of 2)

11-18-2008 @ 7:59PM

raefzilla said...

I have no idea what is going on and I love it

11-18-2008 @ 11:28PM

I just got home where I can actually listen to the sound, and I have to say the MIDI adds a lot to the final act.

11-18-2008 @ 8:18PM

Donut King said...

That's gotta be the worst possible MIDI version of a good song I think I've ever heard (and I've heard quite a few of 'em) . . . but then again, that's probably why it fits this so damn well.

Good work!

11-18-2008 @ 8:43PM

Ryan Spilborghs said...

I...I understood this B.

I cannot believe you did this. It did, however, need more afros.

11-18-2008 @ 9:41PM

Z.S. Ghost said...

B, I know we've had our differences in the past or something, but if I ever piss you off or disagree with you in any way from now on, remind me of this and I will cease immediately.

11-18-2008 @ 9:43PM

Barclay said...

Dammit can't you just parody a video game or something.

11-19-2008 @ 2:05AM

Neal said...

Oh god, I totally know this one. I loved the OnlineHost as the big universe thing.

11-19-2008 @ 12:40AM

John said...

hahaha f____ tha hatas I got it and it was awesome.

11-19-2008 @ 6:42PM

Matt said...

I thought this was absolutely hysterical. I, for one, look forward to more of ExEri Saga.

11-19-2008 @ 2:13AM

Five Tools Playa said...

B, this couldn't have been more perfectly executed. You are not only a master of words, but a master of putting things together so they fit. Like a puzzle. Like the world is a puzzle built with the sole purpose of being solved by you. And being hilarious at the same time.

11-19-2008 @ 9:58AM

bakatron said...

you know what... i'm an excel saga fan. i'm also a baseball fan. i thought i would hate this but johan santana... god thats priceless!

11-19-2008 @ 2:44PM

Twinkie said...

LordPhilpalazzo: /sits in throne dressed like somebody from Lunar

You win the Internet.

Karen said...

This literally made me squeal out loud three times, because it is SO PERFECT. Especially the music, and especially Johan Santana, and ESPECIALLY Mark Prior. Amazing.

11-19-2008 @ 7:43PM

littlejon013 said...

This weeks experiment........

SUCCESS

SaberToothedPie said...

Bahahahahahahaha EPIC

John B. said...

I read it twice and still can't believe you had the stones to pull this off. Philpalazzo, Pryatt, and Pedro...holy balls.

So, who gets to be Menchi?

11-19-2008 @ 11:11PM

B said...

Okay refresh this Dugout, I added in the Menchi part because I'd totally forgotten it, even after making the picture.

11-21-2008 @ 3:04PM

If we're lucky, Clemens can be the creepy scientist who spends WAY too much time at the playground.

As a side note, B, it seems there are roughly 18 people who understood and replied to this Dugout. Good estimation on the people who would understand and enjoy this stuff.

And as for the people who didn't like it, sorry, but not every Dugout can be a 200 word dissertation for "The Wire".