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MLB

The Dugout: The Last Starpitcher

Posted Nov 23, 2008 12:24PM By B. Thompson Stroud (RSS feed)

Filed Under: Orioles, Yankees, AL East, The Dugout

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A few days ago, Mike Mussina told the Yankees about his plans to retire instead of coming back to play next year, and I want to make a couple of things clear about my point of view in relation to this before you scroll to the bottom of this and leave me comments.

Yes, Mike Mussina is my least favorite player in baseball, making him my least favorite person in non-wrestling professional sports. Yes, this is because he used to be the best player in Baltimore and left to pitch for the Yankees. Yes, Mussina is one of the best pitchers of his era, and yes, my prejudices are based on jealousy, loyalty to a team I am not a part of, and irrational expectations for humanity. No, I do not have a real job. Yes, you should leave me a long, asinine comment about this whether you read this or not.

In case you were wondering about Mussina's user name, it was established in G1 Dugout continuity that Mussina would've had a normal, punny name had he stuck around in Baltimore. Also, Farnsworth would've been black?

Today's Dugout is after the jump.

The Dugout

**Online Host**
Welcome to the Peaceful Nighttime Retirement Community Chatroom!
Pussina: /sits around doing crossword puzzles

Pussina: hmmm /thinks out loud

What's a four-letter word for "where solid refuse of digestion is excreted?"
Pussina: Ah! /writes in "Cito"
**Online Host**
The chatroom has started to rumble!
Pussina: What the hell is that noise? What's going on out there? /looks out of window
Pussina: OH GOD AAAAAAAAAHHH!!!!! /disintigrates into beam of light
**Online Host**
Welcome to the Unidentified Flying Object Chatroom!

Pussina: /wakes up several hours later on operating table

ugh.... /shakes out cobwebs
Pussina: Where the hell am I? What's going on? What're you doing to me??
Alien: Do not be alarmed, Earthling! We mean you no harm!
Orio: I am Orio and this is Baulteemo, we are from the planet Alleest, a galactic division far from your own!
Baulteemo: We have traveled many lightyears to find you!
Pussina: To... find me? Why?
Baulteemo: Mike Mussina of Williamsport, Earth, we believe you to be the chosen one of our race's ancient prophecies!
Orio: It is by your hands we shall be lead from extra-social mediocrity!
Baulteemo: We have monitored you since birth, nurturing your growth from afar, and we are proud of what you have become.
Orio: but we have been flying in a space ship for the last like eight years so if anything has changed you can catch us up on that later
Pussina: Who are you?
Orio: We are a simple, small-SBm people under attack by an evil space empire. No matter what we try, we cannot seem to beat them.
Baulteemo: It is not like we are bad! In fact, we have several cadets at our training academy who are can't-miss military prospects!
Orio: unfortunately our life span is very long, and these guys are going to be at that academy for another 1500 years
Baulteemo: /rolls eyes
Pussina: That's all you have?
Orio: ha ha ha! No, of course not!
Baulteemo: No, we also have Calgon, a being who reports to work every day!
Calgon: hi everyone
Pussina: Is he your greatest warrior?
Baulteemo: yeah he is pretty good

Calgon: and i'm really nice to everyone! :) /punches timecard
Pussina: I've thought about it, and it sounds like your race could really use my help. I will do it, I will fight for you with everything I have!
Orio: HOORAY!
**Online Host**
Robototep of the Evil Space Empire has blown up a wall with his laser cannon and entered the chatroom.
Pussina: ooh wait a minute who's this guy
Robototep: AT LONG LAST I HAVE FOUND YOU, WEAK CHARMSITIANS! /brandishes weapon
Baulteemo: aaah run
Pussina: excuse me, sir, but who are you
Robototep: I AM ROBOTOTEP, MEKA-PHARAOH OF THE COSMOS, DESTROYER OF THE 26 GALAXIES
Pussina: expound
Robototep: IT IS MY 100-YEAR MISSION TO ASSIMILATE AND DESTROY USING MY STRATEGIC LOCATION IN THE UNIVERSE AND MY ARMY OF SENSELESS DRONES
Pussina: go on

Robototep: I HATE THE CHARMSITIANS BECAUSE THEY ARE NEXT TO ME

EXCEPT FOR CALGON, HE IS REALLY VERY NICE
Calgon: lol i'm still not joining your army!
Robototep: GURRRR
Orio: Here! Take our money! Take our treasures! But please, don't destroy us!
Robototep: ROBOTOTEP HAS NO NEED FOR MONEY! THE EMPIRE CONTROLS 94% OF THE MONEY IN EXISTENCE!
Pussina: you don't say

Robototep: AND OUR CONQUESTS ARE ALWAYS ON TELEVISION, NO MATTER WHERE YOU LIVE!

AND WE PLAN TO DEMOLISH THIS UNIVERSE AND BUILD A NEW ONE RIGHT NEXT TO IT THAT LOOKS EXACTLY LIKE IT
Pussina: hey excuse me Mr. Robototep
Robototep: YES
Pussina: Do you have any openings in your evil space empire? I think joining up with you would be what is best for my family!
Robototep: WELL WE ALREADY HAVE SIX GUYS EXACTLY LIKE YOU, BUT
Robototep: WELL SURE WHY NOT
Pussina: /pumps fist
Orio: awww no way
Baulteemo: You just said you were going to fight for OUR side! What happened to loyalty, Mike?
Pussina: sorry, defecting to the evil force directly opposing you is what's best for my family!
Orio: augh, you're a dick, Mussina
Robototep: LET IT BE KNOWN ACROSS THE GALAXY
Photos link to player info. (Photo Credit: Getty Images) WordUpThome.com

Tags: mike+mussina, MikeMussina, pussina

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