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MLB

The Dugout: For Want Of Nails

Posted Nov 25, 2008 9:52PM By B. Thompson Stroud (RSS feed)

Filed Under: Phillies, Red Sox, The Dugout

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When I was little, I wanted to be just like Lenny Dykstra. I wanted to work hard, practice every day, and earn the respect of my peers. Wait, no, hold on, I wanted to be just like Cal Ripken, Jr. My friend Kevin from across the street wanted to be just like Lenny Dykstra. He had a mental disease and used to put dirt in his mouth. Yeah, that's right.

Anyway, Lenny was in the news this week because of an unpaid debt here or there, but the real news is that after this dignity nonsense is taken care of, the magazine entreprenuer and car wash mogul Dykstra is planning to expand his empire and pitch an Internet video game to Curt Schilling.

Yeah, I don't know either. I'm just going to copy-paste the transcript of their post-trial period and let you make sense of it. I can barely even look at this guy.

Tonight's Dugout is after the jump.

The Dugout

TardAsNails: and that's when I saw it: an ashtray made out of Lutetium! So now I can park a stogie ass-first on the same thing I use to determine the age of meteorites! Haw haw!
CowboyCurtS: how is that even possible?

TardAsNails: well you can use its radioactive isotopes to...
TardAsNails: Haw! Why'm I telling you? You wouldn't understand, this is the kind of sh** that made me a car warsh millionaire!
CowboyCurtS: If you can do that, why don't you just pay the bill?
TardAsNails: What're you deaf or just retarded in the foot? I took one look at that bill and said "y'know what? F*** these goods and services, I'm using THIS seven grand to buy a 'tray lined with Bill Hicks' teeth."
TardAsNails: That's my f***in' ashtray money, bro!
CowboyCurtS: no I get it

TardAsNails: You think I'm gonna pay somebody for somethin' they did for me in exchange for money? What'm I, a woman?

TardAsNails: hold on a second

bluh

bluhhhhhhh

TardAsNails: /

CowboyCurtS: jesus

what did you want to talk to me about, exactly
TardAsNails: oh /wipes goopy wad of black horror from chin

TardAsNails: No, see, I've got an idea for a video game, and I want to "pitch it to you"

get it

GET IT?
CowboyCurtS: yes I get it

TardAsNails: DO YOU GET IT DO YOU F***EN GET IT RAAAAH
CowboyCurtS: AAH YES I GET IT STOP SPITTING DIARRHEA WATER ON ME
TardAsNails: Here's my idea: Lenny Dykstra walks to the right, stomps the sh** out of some turtles.
CowboyCurtS: ... you ...
TardAsNails: and at the end of the level there's one f***in' mongoloid turtle and if you jump over him, which you do, you win the board
TardAsNails: I call it "Lenny Dykstra Turtle Game"
CowboyCurtS: I don't want to be the bearer of bad news or anything, but I think your idea has been done be-

TardAsNails: hold

hold on for a second

TardAsNails: hyurrr

HYURRRRRRKKK

TardAsNails: /
CowboyCurtS: oh god I'm gonna puke, is that a pelt
TardAsNails: so hey /wipes regurgitated offal of sewer rat from chin
TardAsNails: so you say they already got a game like that, no big d, I didn't become a car warsh millionaire by just comin' up with one idea!
CowboyCurtS: oh? What were you going to do if there was already a car wash
TardAsNails: drugs
TardAsNails: idea numero dos: one of four Lennies Dykstra (your choice, natch) throws turnips at a frog, realizes it was a fevered dream

CowboyCurtS: That's the uh, that's the-
TardAsNails: idea the third, John Kruk has a cadre of hideous children, Lenny Dykstra goes from castle to castle dispatching them
TardAsNails: fourth idea, super mario world with a sportsflick of me taped to the front of the box
CowboyCurtS: are you serious
TardAsNails: Nah man, I'm just f***in' with you! /punches Schilling as hard as possible in the chest

TardAsNails: I know those games are around already! I've got enough money to BUY those games, bro! My real idea is

wait hold on

TardAsNails: blargk

.....

TardAsNails: ....

/puts hand on stomach
TardAsNails: whew, I think I

TardAsNails: BLARRGGGGHHKKK /
CowboyCurtS: AW SICK DUDE THAT SMELLS LIKE A GAS STATION
TardAsNails: sorry bro, I've been talkin' out my ass so long my body forgot what to send where /pulls human bung-twizzlers from gullet
CowboyCurtS: oh, oh god I think I'm vomiting out of the hole in my foot, oh god my shoes are filling with bile
TardAsNails: no my real game idea is a flash internet game where you're in charge of a car warsh and you see how many cars you can warsh before time runs out
CowboyCurtS: argh, why didn't you just send me that in an e-mail, why did you have to enact this grotesque pantomime
CowboyCurtS: every time I see you you're somehow more vile and damaged, I don't know if you did drugs in the 80s or just injected lighter fluid into your veins
CowboyCurtS: how do you wake up in the morning as Lenny Dykstra and not drown yourself to death in the f***ing ocean

TardAsNails: my wife crunches up a bunch of xanax and mixes them in with my chaw, see /opens mouth
CowboyCurtS: urgh, it's like a sinkhole
TardAsNails: Hey you know what, you don't want to make my game? That's cool, bro. I'll just get Midway to do it. They'll do a good job!
CowboyCurtS: pffffffffff hahahahah

TardAsNails: yeah I knew that was a lie when I was sayin' it

all right, plan two, how about I stab you in the f***in' leg and take your wallet
CowboyCurtS: ha, oh Lenny, won't you ever learn?
CowboyCurtS: oh god what're you doing get away from me
Photos link to player info. (Photo Credit: Getty Images) WordUpThome.com

Tags: cowboycurts, curt+schilling, CurtSchilling, lenny+dykstra, LennyDykstra, tardasnails

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