The Dugout: Wait We Forgot The Twins

Upon reading the strip The Dugout: Might Happen After All, FanHouse reader Disco Dan Ford commented:

I know this has been a reliably entertaining year for the Dugout, but you went almost all year, including last night's game, without covering the Twins.

He's right. With the exception of Delmon Young showing up to whip a bat or Justin Morneau showing up to participate in an abstruse Watchmen parody, we haven't featured the Twins in the Dugout. So, now that the season is completely finished, here is a Dugout about the Twins! Hooray!

Tonight's Dugout is after the jump.

The Dugout

	ZackAndMiriMakeAMorneau: Who are you again?
	CuteKip: I'm Kip Elliott, Senior Vice President of Business Administration, Apparel, and Advanced Bear Management for the Minnesota Twins.
	LawnMauer: Oh yeah? Why'd they send you?
	CuteKip: I was handpicked by the Executive Board. Pohlad, Pohlad, Pohlad, Pohlad, and Bell.
	LawnMauer: lol I wonder how Bell got in there
	ZackAndMiriMakeAMorneau: they ran out of Pohlads
	CuteKip: Everything I have to say is good news, so if you could take a break from reveling in mediocrity for just one minute we can get through this.
	Humberdido: Hol..hold on, I'm almost finished with level 4 of Crash Bandicoot, if I can just jump here I'll...
	Humberdido: aw I died
	LawnMauer: Don't worry, man! That was a tough jump. You did a great job!
	Humberdido: thanks, bro!
	CuteKip: /continues reading from notes as if nothing happened What are the problems facing the Twins? Is it-
	ZackAndMiriMakeAMorneau: It's the Metrodome. We play in a trashbag warehouse. It's the only thing keeping us from the World Series.
	LawnMauer: Yeah, the HHH is holding us down!
	ZackAndMiriMakeAMorneau: Playing under a dome is just so depressing, it makes me feel like a chicken nugget. I want to be able to see the sky!
	Humberdido: I heard the new stadium's gonna have a glass ceiling!
	LawnMauer: pff, figures
	LukeHughesTalking: Who cares about where we play? We ain't goin' nowheres without new uniforms!
	ZackAndMiriMakeAMorneau: ooh, he's right, we can't make it to the playoffs in these uniforms
	LawnMauer: I doubt I can even hit the ball with this cloth on my body, I need to change the cloths
	LukeHughesTalking: What we needs is uniforms that looks like the OLD uniforms!
	Humberdido: Yeah, but with BUTTONS!
	LawnMauer: And a stripe down the pants!
	ZackAndMiriMakeAMorneau: in addition to that, we could always add a few more talented players and manage them properly
	Humberdido: And not trade away the good ones that we've already got.
	LukeHughesTalking: and keep the good players that we keep healthy, sos they can play!
	ZackAndMiriMakeAMorneau: are these the things you were planning to address? /looks at Kip
	CuteKip: /continues -is it T.C. the Bear? We think so.
	LawnMauer: haha whaaaaat
	Humberdido: But I love T.C. the Bear! He high fives me and hugs me when I'm feelin' low!
	LukeHughesTalking: Twin Cities Bear is a saint, you c**t!
	CuteKip: /continues Pohlad, Pohlad, Pohlad, Pohlad, Pohlad, and Bell feel that T.C.'s happy face and cheerful demeanor doesn't resonate with today's children
	LawnMauer: did they add a pohlad since we were talking about it
	ZackAndMiriMakeAMorneau: What do today's children want? A furry Muppet non-thing named "Baseball" who fistbumps Hootie before the National Anthem?
	LukeHughesTalking: Today's kids wants Pokeymons, that's what I heard!
	CuteKip: We don't want kids to feel challenged by their imaginations because of whatever effort we put into our team presentation.
	CuteKip: Therefore, our new mascot will be this fella
	Humberdido: What! He's not even the right color!
	ZackAndMiriMakeAMorneau: And he's not colored in all the way, so you'd be able to see the guy inside of him
	CuteKip: The colors "blue" and "red" are registered trademarks of the Yankees and Red Sox respectively
	LawnMauer: You can't be serious, bro, I could put a purple magic marker in my ass and dog-scrape a pile of construction paper and make a better mascot than that.
	LawnMauer: /thinks about what he has just typed
	CuteKip: Sorry, if we make him look any better the kids will feel challenged, and if we make him look any worse the kids will feel insulted.
	CuteKip: Pohlad, Pohlad, Pohlad, Pohlad, Bell, and Mecha-Pohlad discussed this at length ande this was their decision, not mine.
	ZackAndMiriMakeAMorneau: You're kidding, right?
	LawnMauer: MECHA-Pohlad??
	CuteKip: I assure you, I am deadly serious. Our next plan is to never receive hundreds of millions of dollars in exchange for stadium naming rights from a bankrupting company.
	CuteKip: We're thinking "Circuit City Field."
	CuteKip: Then we're going to trade Francisco Liriano to the Nationals for three additional backup catchers.
	ZackAndMiriMakeAMorneau: There is no way you're being straight with us. How many Pohlads does it take to run a f***ing ballclub?
	CuteKip: Only a few dozen. But no, I'm not being serious with you, all of this has been a lie.
	Humberdido: /faints
	ZackAndMiriMakeAMorneau: WHAT THE HELL, DUDE
	CuteKip: What do you want me to do? We're the Twins. We play in an enormous frozen garbage can. We haven't had a compelling moment since Kirby Puckett lost an eyeball.
	CuteKip: If you guys want to spend all day buying groceries instead of being featured in these chats then go right ahead, but I am tired of reading about the goddamned Red Sox so start being interesting or make with the terrible Twins jokes.
	LukeHughesTalking: I got one.
	LukeHughesTalking: Do you know what the Hispanic firefighter named his twin sons?
	LukeHughesTalking: José and Hose B
	CuteKip: ....
	Humberdido: ....
	ZackAndMiriMakeAMorneau: /cough
	LukeHughesTalking: What'm I, Joey friggen Saget? You come up with one!
	LawnMauer: i'm gonna go buy some groceries

Photos link to player info. (Photo Credit: Getty Images) WordUpThome.com

Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)

11-27-2008 @ 12:05PM

Neal said...

ZackAndMiriMakeAMorneau is an incredible name.

11-27-2008 @ 10:42AM

scrungemo said...

who the hell is Luke Hughes?

11-27-2008 @ 9:10PM

triberocks4 said...

Luke Hughes exists solely for the purpose of creating one of the best screen names I have ever seen.

BatKra said...

Luke Hughes is a AAA infielder.

11-27-2008 @ 5:04PM

tired said...

I think if it were LukeHughesTalkingNow, the reference might be more obvious.

Besides, that movie added talking dogs man, talking dogs. And Charles Barkley as himself.

11-27-2008 @ 11:44PM

Disco Dan FordAstrobastard said...

This is all thanks to my whiny demanding homerism and/or a heightened demand to see Delmon in more Dugouts 'cause he sure as hell didn't benefit the Twins in a non-Dugout-potential capacity. I also find it hilarious that this Dugout comes like two months after I forgot I even made that post.