The Dugout: The Mariners, Waka Waka

Hey guys! The end of November is the perfect time for some positive content about the Seattle Mariners! November is over in like a day, so get it while you can!

Believe it or not, there are some positive things going on in Seattle. The Mariners made Don Wakamatsu the first Asian-American manager in baseball history. There might be a strip club going in 400 feet from the ballpark! They're ... uh ... getting new uniforms? No. Ichiro is getting along with his teammates! They aren't going to gang up and beat him down! Well, maybe. What else is there to get positive about in Seattle? Cobain's dead, but the Peppermint Mocha Twist is still pretty great!

The offseason is when we finally get to stop talking about teams that win and do things and get to people like the Twinkies and the M's, so pull up a chair (I assume you are standing at your computer) and enjoy tonight's late night Dugout, after the jump.

The Dugout

	HotRodLincoln: But don't worry, the tire treads have been removed from Erik's back and we should have him back in the rotation sometime in late 2010!
	HotRodLincoln: Now put your hands together for the new manager of the Seattle Mariners, Don Wakamatsu!
	Online Host WakaMole has approached the podium.
	WakaMole: Uh, thank you very much, and hey, let that be a lesson to us all; a moose CAN drive an ATV
	WakaMole: and who knew an ATV was heavy enough to crush a man's spine, huh?
	ChocolateMoose: /shrugs
	WakaMole: Anyway, hello, watashi no namae wa "Don Wakamatsu" desu
	Suzuki: 'sup
	WakaMole: You may remember me as the backup catcher for the Chicago White Sox for 2 1/2 weeks in 1991.
	WakaMole: My 18 games of professional experience make me more qualified to be in the Major Leagues than basically every non-Asian in this room.
	InstantMessenger: EXCUSE ME IS THIS THE GIANTS CHAT ROOM
	WakaMole: No, Randy, you play for the Mariners now. Please sit down.
	InstantMessenger: I DO
	WakaMole: sort of
	InstantMessenger: OKAY HEY DID YOU KNOW THAT I AM KNOWN AMONGST MY PEERS FOR WEARING A FLATLY BRIMMED HAT
	WakaMole: Yes Randy, you should be proud of that, now please sit down.
	InstantMessenger: DID YOU KNOW THAT BEES AND DOGS CAN SMELL FEAR
	CharltonBullseye: /rasies hand Norm Charlton, Seattle Mariners. Tell me, what are your plans to make this team better?
	WakaMole: That's a great question. You see, my-
	CharltonBullseye: because we are pretty much the worst team you can imagine
	WakaMole: Ha ha, yes, well-
	CharltonBullseye: We're so bad, we gave a stadium tour to some sick kids and they wandered out on the field and beat us 11-2.
	CharltonBullseye: Mike Morse got a copy of Sports Talk Baseball for the Genesis last year, and Selig started counting wins in the game as wins in real life
	CharltonBullseye: and we still only won 11 games like that because Mike Morse sucks at baseball and carries that over to playing Genesis
	CharltonBullseye: we're so bad a piece of the Kingdome ceiling broke loose and crushed Tug Hulett while he was standing on second base in Safeco Field
	CharltonBullseye: we're bad, I tell ya
	WakaMole: I see. I have a-
	CharltonBullseye: we're so bad we lost to the ORIOLES
	WakaMole: If I could just "take a break from the Norm" here, I would explain my rebuilding strategy.
	WakaMole: It is a two-pronged attack. Firstly, this
	CanIMorrowAFeeling: the first prong of your attack is your funny Asian baldness?
	GabyJay: ay what does that even say, I cain read the tex
	WakaMole: It says "Knock'em dead! From SIS," and there is a heart where the dot of the exclamation mark should be
	WakaMole: I plan to take heed of Sissie's words and knock them dead this year.
	InstantMessenger: OH THAT SOUNDS LIKE A GOOD IDEA, TO KNOCK THEM DOWN DEAD
	GabyJay: "Sis" is one of the mose reliable baseball analysts avayable.
	InstantMessenger: I LIKE YOUR HAT IT HAS A FISH ON IT WHERE'D YOU GET IT
	GabyJay: A.J. Wrigh! They hay many cool hats avayable for under 14.99 (I didn't wan to wear my Mariners hat in public)
	InstantMessenger: DID YOU NOTICE THE FLATNESS OF MY BRIM, IT IS SOMEWHAT OF A TRADEMARK
	Suzuki: oh my god what is the second prong of your attack
	WakaMole: Okay well prong 1.5 is to bend the brim of that guy's f***ing hat, prongs 1.6 through 1.9 are whatever we have to do to lobotomize him
	WakaMole: Prong 2 is doing everything it takes to get Ken Griffey Jr. back in Seattle.
	Suzuki: /acts like a dick
	CharltonBullseye: You sure about that, skip? He ain't Ken Griffey like Ken Griffey used to be. Man's slowed down a might. He's older.
	CanIMorrowAFeeling: and there are probably a dozen free agents who could make a bigger impact, we could use our money to get them instead
	CharltonBullseye: Get some home runs, some pitching, anything, bolster our team
	CanIMorrowAFeeling: drag our asses out of the cellar
	CharltonBullseye: try to be better than the Rangers
	CanIMorrowAFeeling: try to be better than the Nationals
	WakaMole: Yes, and those are all great ideas. But Ken Griffey Jr. is more important than all of that, because of one simple truth:
	WakaMole: Didn't sh** just FEEL better when Ken Griffey Jr. was around?
	CharltonBullseye: /thinks about it
	CanIMorrowAFeeling: Huh. Seattle did seem like a pretty cool place to be when Griffey was around.
	GabyJay: like we could all jus have fun and play baseball
	ChocolateMoose: /puts hands over heart
	WakaMole: A team is not its statistics, brother. A team is not its statistics.
	InstantMessenger: IS THAT A MOOSE

Photos link to player info. (Photo Credit: Getty Images) WordUpThome.com

Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)

11-30-2008 @ 9:18AM

Proibito said...

I'm surprised that B (of all people) would feature a cameo by Howard Lincoln and not at least throw in a tangential reference to Nintendo ... unless he did and it was just to subtle for me to notice?

Also, "CharltonBullseye" is a great screenname ... Cap'n Catnip rules!
http://www.comics.org/details.lasso?id=35445

11-30-2008 @ 12:36PM

B said...

I Nintendo'd him a few (okay, several) times on the old Dugout site, but I was always getting him mixed up with Howard Phillips.

11-30-2008 @ 2:29PM

Donut King said...

Is Randy Messenger trying too hard to be JI

JIM THOME?!?!

11-30-2008 @ 4:11PM

Thom said...

No because Randy Messenger, while being equally dumb, is nowhere near as affable. I do have to admit I can't see the lobotomy changing much, though.

11-30-2008 @ 11:18PM

Fireball said...

若松は深刻な状態にある。

12-01-2008 @ 2:37PM

Disco Dan Ford said...

WHINY HOMERISM PORTION OF COMMENT: The Twins did win, at least in the sense that it took 163 games to eliminate them from playoff contention. They were nowhere near as bad as the Mariners. Except in those several games where the Mariners inexplicably beat them. Which I'm now sorry I brought up.

ACTUAL ATTEMPT AT BEING CONSTRUCTIVE AND USEFUL PORTION OF COMMENT: "GabyJay" does count as the gratuitous Mariners Nintendo reference, don't it?