The Dugout: Shrug

As clearly spelled out by Matt Snyder earlier this morning, Greg Maddux may go in the books as the greatest pitcher of all time, as well as one of the very best all-around players. He's my favorite baseball player in part for these reasons and in part for his nonchalance. He looks and talks like my mailman. During interviews, he invented countless variations on the phrase, "whatever, I don't really care."

When his stuff was going, he was the most fascinating player to watch in baseball. He was Bill Murray's character in Groundhog Day: never looked boring, always looked bored. And while his (perhaps superficial) ambivalence may not have been genuine, it sure was infectious.

Look at him in this picture. He even finds a way to blend into the background at his own retirement press conference.

Today's Dugout is after the jump.

The Dugout

	OnlineHost Welcome to Press Conference Chat!
	maddux.xmission.com: /stirs lukewarm oatmeal with spoon
	maddux.xmission.com: /starts to sprinkle sugar on oatmeal /decides against it
	maddux.xmission.com: /slowly and deliberately brings spoon of oatmeal to mouth
	OnlineHost Mr. Maddux, you're on national television.
	maddux.xmission.com: oh hey
	maddux.xmission.com: /continues to eat oatmeal
	maddux.xmission.com: /opens four-month old issue of The Economist
	OnlineHost Uh... Mr. Maddux, do you have any thoughts on your retirement?
	maddux.xmission.com: huh? nah not really
	maddux.xmission.com: mmm oh man this oatmeal tastes like chewy steel it's somewhat good, want some
	OnlineHost No, thank you.
	maddux.xmission.com: i was gonna put some sugar in it, but that would have muted that metallic tap-water taste this is purgatory in a bowl right here
	OnlineHost Mr. Maddux, between the ages of 22 and 42 you never pitched less than 194 innings in a season.
	OnlineHost You pitched 1.56 and 1.63 in consecutive seasons during the juiceball era.
	OnlineHost You're one of the best pitchers of all time. You don't have anything to say about that? Nothing?
	maddux.xmission.com: eh
	OnlineHost What are your plans for retirement?
	maddux.xmission.com: well i was thinking about purchasing a house in davenport, iowa, and painting all the walls eggshell white
	maddux.xmission.com: i've also been toying with the idea of driving a 2003 honda accord around town and seeing how close to the speed limit i can drive
	maddux.xmission.com: probably listen to coldplay at moderate volume as i do so
	maddux.xmission.com: /slowly chews another spoonful of oatmeal /points spoon at bowl
	maddux.xmission.com: you know what this needs?
	maddux.xmission.com: /pours more oatmeal into bowl
	maddux.xmission.com: all told, gerald ford had a decent presidency nothing to write home about, but still
	OnlineHost If you were to sum up your career in a single image, what image would it be?
	maddux.xmission.com:
	maddux.xmission.com: pretty much tells the whole story right there
	OnlineHost You probably could have pitched for another year or two. What led you to your decision to retire?
	maddux.xmission.com: have you ever actually WATCHED a baseball game
	maddux.xmission.com: baseball is the most boring thing known to man i need more excitement than that
	maddux.xmission.com: now if you'll excuse me i'm going to go drink a glass of milk and stare at a painting of a duck flying over a pond
	maddux.xmission.com: hey, want to see a magic trick
	OnlineHost Sure!
	maddux.xmission.com: /pulls up chair, stands up, calmly exits room

Photos link to player info. WordUpThome.com Photo Credit: Getty, Creative Commons

Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)

12-09-2008 @ 11:54AM

KingGreat said...

That's it! There's the homogeneous metaphor I've been complacently searching for: The Dugout is the Greg Maddux of funny. Always consistent, never truly milquetoast, but never doing anything like attributing godlike powers to a Royal. Oh. Wait...

P.S. Am I selfish for wanting ANOTHER "Professor" (Farnsworth in this case) to retire, just so I can laugh my ass off at BOTH sides of the spectrum?