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**Online Host**
Welcome to the Winter Meetings Rain Delay Chatroom! |
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WordUpThome: WHAT, NO |
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WordUpThome: NO YOU HAVE TO GIVE ME THE LATEST NEWS ON FRANCISCO K. RODRIGUEZ
SOMEBODY DO SOMETHING
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**Online Host**
Instead of tonight's regularly scheduled Dugout, we bring you an episode of The Dating Game 2008 with Chuck Woolery! |
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2And2AlwaysMakesAFive: Hey there everybody and welcome to The Dating Game, I'm your host Chuck Woolery, you may remember me from such shows as Love Connection, Scrabble, or the television version of Scene It! Hannah Montana Edition. |
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2And2AlwaysMakesAFive: Jim Lange couldn't be here because he's secretly been dead for the past 28 years |
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2And2AlwaysMakesAFive: You know how the game works so let's get right to it and meet our first contestant. Please welcome "Megan!" |
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**Online Host**
TheBachelorette has entered the chatroom!
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2And2AlwaysMakesAFive: Tell us a little bit about yourself, Megan. |
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TheBachelorette: Wellll, I like hot guyz, frank sexual discussion, and my name is pronounced "May-gan" for no discernable reason! |
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2And2AlwaysMakesAFive: Ha ha! That's great. Now it's time to meet your bachelors... Online Host, tell us about Megan's choices. |
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**Online Host**
Heeee's a 42 year-old retiree from San Angelo, Texas who may go down as the greatest pitcher in the history of baseball, please welcome Bachelor #1! |
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Bachelor_1: /swallows oatmeal
/stares expressionless at television cameras
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**Online Host**
He's a 46 year-old forced retiree from Dayton, Ohio whose show application was smeared with lard and included a mason jar full of bloody cotton balls, it's Bachelor #2! |
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Bachelor_2: /stands up
/wipes wet spot from seat of stool
/sits back down
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**Online Host**
And finally, he's a 32 year old from Wichita, Kansas who is described by his friends as "Kenneth from 30 Rock if he were hyper-violent," please welcome fan-kicking enthusiast Bachelor #3! |
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b4ch3l0r_3: parton me im in the middel of a very importent phone call |
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Bachelor_1: is it with Jack Bauer, because I have never seen you look so much like Tony Almeida. |
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b4ch3l0r_3: it is with either the royals or the rockies i forgot to axe |
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b4ch3l0r_3: also shut yer moustache-ditch before i drive the hot rod lincoln that is my fist into it |
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Bachelor_2: excuse me could you guys have this conversation later i'm trying to bag a 17 year old here |
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2And2AlwaysMakesAFive: /makes worked smirky face
All right then, Maygen ask your first question.
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TheBachelorette: ownkay, Bachelor #1, tell me about your perfect date. |
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Bachelor_1: Well, I'd bring you flowers, take you to a nice restaurant, somewhere fancy... then I'd urinate on you and we'd watch reruns of The Fresh Prince until we were driven apart by the inevitable march of time. |
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TheBachelorette: /looks at cards
Bachelor #2, same question?
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Bachelor_2: i would inject you with shark testosterone while statutorily raping you, then we would take turns beating up my son |
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TheBachelorette: Bachelor #3? |
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b4ch3l0r_3: an if i pitch for you i wanna be the ace, i dont wanna be in the shadow a that blue motorcycle riden-
wait, we are ALL of us living in the shadow of him?? what is that even spost to mean
hole on
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b4ch3l0r_3: what |
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TheBachelorette: Bachelor #3 tell me about your perfect date |
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b4ch3l0r_3: i spend all after-noon baken a traditional wedden cake with marzipan or fondant that is dense an strong enough to holt the decorations while still bein edible -- the epitome of my crafsmanship |
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b4ch3l0r_3: then i eat the entire thing with my bare hands while whompen the donk out a some eight year old on halo |
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TheBachelorette: YYyyyokay!!! Bachelor #1, I hear that the way a man pitches tells you how he is in the bedroom! What's your pitching style? |
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Bachelor_1: slow, purposeful, and I do what you'd least expect, you never know what I'm gonna throw next! |
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TheBachelorette: Heeyy!! Bachelor #2? |
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Bachelor_2: hard and fast, but always in the right spots! i can go all nine innings!
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TheBachelorette: Oooo! Bachelor #3? |
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b4ch3l0r_3: i do the same thing over and over with little success |
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b4ch3l0r_3: an if you ever confront me about it i pummel you mercilestly until your carried off the fielt |
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TheBachelorette: Bachelor #1, I love a winner! Tell me, how many wins do you have in your career? |
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Bachelor_1: 355 |
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TheBachelorette: Bachelor #2? |
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Bachelor_2: 354 |
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Bachelor_1: pffffffff hahahah |
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Bachelor_2: hey shut up i'm not even officially retired yet for realsies i could pitch next year and then who'd be laughing |
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Bachelor_1: me, because of how hilarious it would be to see you pitching for somebody like the Rockies |
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b4ch3l0r_3: wait are the rockies bad /puts hand over phone
are they bad i had no idea who they were until a few minets ago i thought i was on the phone with a canadienne foot ball team
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b4ch3l0r_3: sorry mr. mom's fort, some guys just said your bad so if you want me on the team your gonna have to trade...
....uh...../puts hand over phone again
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b4ch3l0r_3: hey can anybody tell me a player on the rockies |
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Bachelor_1: no |
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Bachelor_2: no |
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TheBachelorette: no |
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2And2AlwaysMakesAFive: no |
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**Online Host**
no |
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WordUpThome: NO |
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b4ch3l0r_3: no
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**Online Host**
Wait, Troy Tulowitzki. |
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b4ch3l0r_3: looooool that aint a real player |
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TheBachelorette: Bachelor #3, how many wins do you have in your career? |
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b4ch3l0r_3: 30 |
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Bachelor_1: whaaat |
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Bachelor_2: no way |
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b4ch3l0r_3: yes way dickbag i just checked wickerpedia an thats what it said, i had no idea
i mean, how did i win 30 games
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2And2AlwaysMakesAFive: We're running out of spaces on this template so Megan, Maygen, we need you to make a decision. |
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TheBachelorette: All right, Bachelor #1 seems like a really sweet guy, and his career is RILLY impressive, buuuuut, he just doesn't seem interesting enough for me! Sorry! |
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maddux.xmission.com: /stands up, calmly walks off set |
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TheBachelorette: Bachelor #2 seems like a real wild man, but I'm a good girl, hur hur! |
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Bachelor_2: hey woolery how old did you say this broad was again |
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2And2AlwaysMakesAFive: Maygen is 22. |
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OldLOL: nuts to this /lays on belly, writhers off set |
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TheBachelorette: And I DEFNITELY don't want Bachelor #4, eww! |
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Bachelor_4: wull now I'm sore! What a waste of m'time! (I'm just kiddin' Megan, I had a lotta fun!) |
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TheBachelorette: syooooo, my choice is... Bachelor #3! |
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2And2AlwaysMakesAFive: Let's bring him out! Bachelor #3 is Kyle Farnsworth! Kyle hopes a team will sign him before Springtime to continue his Salieri-esque professional career! |
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pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: hole up what is this show again, is it the one with the bisexual what looks like the peace frog
an attempt at love with teela from he-man
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2And2AlwaysMakesAFive: No, this is The Dating Game! |
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pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: is it one of the spinoffs, like "a dry run at love with the girl who dated the guy who dated the girl who dated the guy what dated rodeo from rock of love: bus edition" |
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2And2AlwaysMakesAFive: no this is the dating game |
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pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: well then make with the date fat sajak |
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2And2AlwaysMakesAFive: This is Megan, who you've been talking to for some time! Megan enjoys body surfing, hanging out with friends, and dancing! |
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TheBachelorette: omg hyiiiii <3 |
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pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: oh you look interesting /dismisses with wanking motion
egsqueeze me i got a phone call
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pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: hello
yes, this is francisco rodriguez
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pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: 51 million dollars you say |
We are entering the Seige Perilous of the offseasion, and when we emerge we will be forever changed. I've spent the last two days meticulously going over the rumors, data, and transactions of baseball's Winter Meetings and have gathered them here for you in succinct, online comic form. Every newsbit is here: How much money Francisco Rodriguez is getting to play for the Mets, where star reliver "K-Rod" will end up, and what's in store for former Angels pitcher Frank Rodriguez. It's all here!
Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)
12-10-2008 @ 3:30AM
FourKings said...
Is that Emmanuel Chriqui from Entourage (Sloan)? Shes very notugly.
Reply
12-10-2008 @ 4:38AM
JimDog said...
Holy s***, I love the Dugout, hur hur!
Reply
12-10-2008 @ 10:22AM
DaveR said...
Wow. Just.... wow.
This is the opposite of teh suxxors.
Reply
12-10-2008 @ 3:27PM
Member, not guest said...
None of you nerds are going to comment on the X-Men reference in the lead?
Not that I know what those are anyway.
Reply
12-10-2008 @ 5:14PM
Mediocreguy said...
no :(
Reply
12-10-2008 @ 5:16PM
Ryan Spilborghs said...
Aw...
12-10-2008 @ 6:06PM
Canadian$ said...
haha! this was a perfect dugout! i cant remember ever laughing so hard
Reply
12-10-2008 @ 7:40PM
KingGreat said...
If there is one thing that I selfishly took from this Dugout, it was the fact that I have somehow influenced either the sports-time continuum, or the Dugout-hilarity continuum. This is all evidenced in my timely post to Bois's Maddux retirement announcement. Pecota, Royals, Maddux and Farnsworth are all mentioned. I am nigh omnipotent. If that is truly the case, I would like to see a Yankees dugout, where Sabathia fights Hank Steinbrenner for a tub of Country Crock, and Cecil Fielder (FieldOfCreams or something like that) mysteriously shows up to make it a fatal three way. Wow. I just reread that, and I sound insane.
Reply
12-10-2008 @ 11:18PM
Donut King said...
Oh no no no . . . you ARE insane!
But for what it's worth . . . that's a hell of an idea you've got there . . . so I guess I'll be carried away to the Crazy Palace as well.
Reply
12-11-2008 @ 10:06AM
chief said...
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: hole up what is this show again, is it the one with the bisexual what looks like the peace frog
an attempt at love with teela from he-man
lololololol
Slightly better than stone of smut with bert micheals
Reply
12-11-2008 @ 3:18PM
johnnynebraska said...
b4ch3l0r_3: wait are the rockies bad /puts hand over phone
Awesome, B.
Reply
12-12-2008 @ 3:05PM
Duck said...
"Salieri-esque professional career."
Crying.
Reply