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MLB

The Dugout: Watchmaker, Part One

Posted Dec 12, 2008 1:30AM By B. Thompson Stroud (RSS feed)

Filed Under: Royals, Tigers, AL Central, MLB Transactions, The Dugout

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Oh my God.

Pending a physical, journeyman relief pitcher and personal performance icon Kyle Farnsworth has agreed to a two-year, $9.25 million dollar contract with the Kansas City Royals. It is a deal that helps nobody, really. Unless you count us.

Step aside, respected bloggers. We got this. Tonight's Dugout is after the jump. Deep breath.

The Dugout

IlitchKing: David! How are our talks with Smoltz going?
IceColdBrowskis: Very well, sir. He has matured somewhat during the 21 years since we traded him and I think he's ready to pitch on "the big stage."
IlitchKing: Excellent. And the Sheffield talks?
IceColdBrowskis: We have our minor league hopefuls lined up and kicking him in the dick on regularly scheduled daily intervals, sir.
**Online Host**
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth has entered the chatroom on his cell phone.
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: it has been great talken with you, the mets, i will talk toward you later /hangs up phone
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: its the moment you'rve all been waiten for, the dandy highwayman kyle farnsworth has arrived to talk contracs, and lots of it
IlitchKing: Dombrowski, who is this man?
IceColdBrowskis: Kyle Farnsworth, sir. One of your run allowers from sector 7G.
IlitchKing: Relief pitcher, eh? Why, in Macedonia we would've had him garroted and cucking stool'd for his insolence!

pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: macedonia ohio

blargh that place is a hole they have like the sh***iest office max of all times
IceColdBrowskis: Kyle, you can't talk to the owner of the Detroit Tigers that way.
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: whoa i dident know franky valley ownt the tigers
IceColdBrowskis: What made you think the Tigers would want to resign you? Was it your 6.75 ERA?

pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: i dunno your the ones who traded for me twice

you want me to go pitch for oaklan for a while until you miss me
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: the ghastly blockhead in the team coat said he wanted to f*** stool me maybe you should inquire within
IlitchKing: Get him out of here! Security!
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: u know what it is DETROIT what is the hole!! i would rather play for macedonia, hell i would rather play for the minnesota twinsburgs
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: /takes plate of Crazy Bread from Ilitch's desk, stuffs as much in mouth as possible
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: /drinks cup of marinara sauce, grabs crotch

pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: detroit can suck it

no the entirety of michigan can suck it, the wolferines went 3-9 an loss to the boiler makers an somethin called a "ute," vladimir konstantinov is a coma retard, an the funniest man to will his way out of this bisected turdberg is joey f***en gladstone
IceColdBrowskis: Cut it out!

pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: no YOU are the one who will be cutten it out

i'm outta here, there aint a worse place to play on gods green name than detroit
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: you here that
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: there is no place i can think of that would be worst than this, hahahah
**Online Host**
The next day
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: are you f***ing kidding me
TreyHillMix: heh, great to have you on board, Kyle! Let me give you the "Royal" introduction!
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: is bo jackson still on this team
TreyHillMix: No, but you'll be fighting for a spot on the roster beside up-and-coming pitchers like "Shake!"
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: is he a clown
TreyHillMix: No... you know how Daisuke Matsuzaka hit it big and gave baseball a case of the "Yellow Fever?"
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: yes, racist
TreyHillMix: Kyle, this is Yasuhiko Yabuta! He went 1-3! He's awesome! Yabuta, this is Kyle Lynn Farnsworth, he's joining our ball club next season.
ShakeYabuta: Ni hao, Kyle Lynn!
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: is bret saberhagen still on this team, and if so can i use him to cut this guy
TreyHillMix: Ooh, if you're a Royals historian you'll want to meet Mark Teahen! He's the George Brett of his generation!
TeahenCrumpets: I can't hit like George, and I can't field like George, and I don't have any of George's passion or leadership.
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: then what makes you this generations george brett
TeahenCrumpets: I play for the Royals and can't stop crapping my pants.

pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: cool

hey does anybody on this team have a hand gun
KilaTofu: Ha, don't let them get to you, man. The guys on this team can be pretty weird, but they're nice once you get to know them.
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: your screen name is a reference to the show doug, that is pretty funnie
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: you seem like a joe six-pac, tell me friend, what is your name
KilaTofu: Kila Ka'aihue
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: what, do you wanna sing that song from national lampoons christmas vacation
KilaTofu: no, my name is Kila Ka'aihue
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: wait do you have a normal name like "bill" but your deaf so you type all stupid
KilaTofu: /glares
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: does frank white still play for this team, or did he get spanked right for setten traps
cuss_word: These kids with their crazy names! Am I right?
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: lol you are correct sir! i love your screen name does it stand for ass or balls or is it suggestive of your assumetly pedestrian name
cuss_word: Hi, I'm Rusty Kuntz!

pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: /

cuss_word: heh heh, it's just a nickname, kid. M'given name is "Corroded Vagina."
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: do you think you could trade me to a worse team
TreyHillMix: I don't know, I could trade you to the Nationals, but why would you want to go there?
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: at least the nats have buildens around their stadium youse guys play in a f***en meadow
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: but no my only operational theory is that i've somehow stumbult into a quantem leap scenario
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: i keep getten put on worse and worse teams, like i pitch for the royals an at the end of the year they send me down to the minors
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: and down i go from aaa to aa to a an then to some independent league team with a name like the "rollerbladez" or the "thrashing otters" until i'm traded to a team of travelen hoboes
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: eventually i die an am placed on a team in hell with hitler an all my ex-girlfriends until they trade me an i gotta pitch for a team a still-born maggots
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: then i start hoppen dimensions
TreyHillMix: We're rebuilding, Kyle! But hey, Mario Lisson hit .225 in double-A last season, that's gonna be a big bat for our lineup!
TeahenCrumpets: We're shooting for third next year!

pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: no i just... uh i dont feel so good /blinks

somethen aint right /head begins to shake, voice deepens

pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: y e s t h i r d d d d...

i m h e r e t o h e l p y o u g e t i n t o
t h i r d p l a c e.... h i s s s s

h e h h e h h e h

TreyHillMix: You all right, guy?
TeahenCrumpets: /craps pants

pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: /shakes out cobwebs

hey is anybody else seeing a giant naked blue guy

TreyHillMix: a... a what?
PECOTA: SUP~!

pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: oh boy, you again

last time i hung out with you i got ate by a old man vampire an got tossed out a heaven by some fat wifebeater

TreyHillMix: /looks around

who're you talking to?
PECOTA: THEY CANNOT SEE ME, FOR I HAVE FOE'D THEM! IN THE INTEREST OF PRIVACY!
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: sorry trey hey did you know bill pecota foe'd you because he hates you, i'm talken to him right now
PECOTA: NO DON'T TELL HIM
TreyHillMix: He did?? Pecota! The hell, man!
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: hes sayen hes gay now, i dont know why hes tellen this to me
PECOTA: NO I'M NOT
**Online Host**
PECOTA has set his privacy preferences to "Public."
PECOTA: NO! i'M NOT!
TreyHillMix: AAAAAAAAH
TeahenCrumpets: /craps pants
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: looooool
PECOTA: ENOUGH!!!! ! /engulfs room in blue energy
**Online Host**
PECOTA and pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth have left the chatroom.
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: gakk... /clutches throat, stumbles down hill
PECOTA: OH! SORRY! /waves hand

pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: gassssssp

you immense smurf what the hell are you tryen to do, kill me, you coula-
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: /looks around
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: holy sh** i'm on mars
Photos link to player info. (Photo Credit: Getty Images) WordUpThome.com

Tags: cuss_word, dave+dombrowski, DaveDombrowski, david+glass, DavidGlass, icecoldbrowskis, ilitchking, kilatofu, kyle+farnsworth, KyleFarnsworth, mark+teahen, MarkTeahen, mike+ilitch, MikeIlitch, pecota, pr0ff3ss0r_f4rnsw0rth, rusty+kuntz, RustyKuntz, teahencrumpets, trey+hillman, TreyHillman, treyhillmix

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