Wahoo Messenger: Kerry Wood, If He Could

On my Myspace page there is a picture of me posing with John Adams, the Cleveland Indians drum guy. The smile on my face will let you know how sincere my loyalties to the Indians are, and how excited I am every time I walk into Progressive Field to watch The Tribe play. Even on dollar dog day, when they substitute the normal hot dogs with these wretched, bile-soaked wieners that make your stomach feel like Sal Fasano's face. I also have mark photos with Ketchup, Mustard, and Onion.

That being said, the only transaction worth nothing from the Indians besides signing and releasing Casey Blake again for fun is the addition of Kerry Wood to the bullpen. Wood is getting $20.5 million for two years with an option for a third year.

It is in times like these when my professional loyalties must come before my recreational loyalties. Kerry Wood in an Indians uniform is still Kerry Wood, by God, and if we make it to that third year option without at least five surgeries I will consider it a glorious miracle.

This morning's Native American Dugout is after the jump.

The Dugout

	Wahoo: Congratulations! Your account is verified and you now have access to chat rooms.
	ShapiroAndBallyhoo: Everything should be set up for you now. Try entering the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Chatroom!
	Lumberjacks_kerrywood: err, I don't like the look of that place

	Lumberjacks_kerrywood: if I go near a place shaped like that there's a 50/50 chance I will end up impaled on the roof
	Lumberjacks_kerrywood: I'm sure you knew this before you gave me a two year contract for 20 million dollars, but I get hurt a lot
	ShapiroAndBallyhoo: Sure. But hey, you passed your physical!
	Lumberjacks_kerrywood: well, not exactly you know what a whizzer is
	ShapiroAndBallyhoo: /nods
	Lumberjacks_kerrywood: did you know that they make a whizzer for the entire body
	ShapiroAndBallyhoo: uh, okay, well, you could try logging onto the The Flats Chatroom, but there's nobody in there
	Lumberjacks_kerrywood: it's basically a Real Doll that you fill with blood and urine and workable bones that passes a physical for you
	Lumberjacks_kerrywood: you can manipulate it by hand or via a complex system of wires Prior introduced me to it when he was in Chicago, but he was always being strangled to death by the wires
	ShapiroAndBallyhoo: oh, you know what you should do? Check out the Cleveland Clinic chatroom.
	Lumberjacks_kerrywood: good idea, I was planning to spend May through late September there next year anyway
	Lumberjacks_kerrywood has entered the Cleveland Clinic Chatroom.
	CianfloccoSeagullsInConcert: The good news is that when you collapse like that and stop breathing you aren't actually dying, but rather fainting, or "swooning"
	RoccosModernLife: oh, like in the Final Fantasy games!
	CianfloccoSeagullsInConcert: Yes, precisely.
	RoccosModernLife: Can it be treated, Doc?
	CianfloccoSeagullsInConcert: Yes, I recommend you walk around in a square formation outside of your stadium slaying Imps and Cocatrice until you're powerful enough to play nine innings.
	Lumberjacks_kerrywood has left the chatroom.
	Lumberjacks_kerrywood: Have you been in that chatroom before? They seemed busy.
	ShapiroAndBallyhoo: Yes, I visit there frequently due to the horrible condition of my hairless skullface
	Lumberjacks_kerrywood: yeah I was gonna ask you about that
	ShapiroAndBallyhoo: It's due to a financial Alopecia that gives me tens of millions of dollars and causes me to do absolutely nothing with it
	ShapiroAndBallyhoo: yesterday I was supposed to meet with Manny Ramirez but eeeeeeeeeehhhhh
	Lumberjacks_kerrywood: How did you overcome such obstacles to become a two-time General Manager of the Year in the Sporting News?
	ShapiroAndBallyhoo: it is a three-headed dog you must slay to rise to the top of the baseball business world.
	ShapiroAndBallyhoo: Head 1 - Sell the name of your stadium for millions of dollars every year for the next 20 years and use that money to LOSE players
	ShapiroAndBallyhoo: you know what we offered C.C. Sabathia?
	Lumberjacks_kerrywood: /shakes head
	ShapiroAndBallyhoo: our extended middle finger
	ShapiroAndBallyhoo: Head 2 - Be good enough to get to the end of the race, but not good enough to finish it. We're also doing this with our football and basketball teams.
	Lumberjacks_kerrywood: oh God the Browns
	ShapiroAndBallyhoo: what do you expect from a group called "the browns," for them to NOT sh** all over the place?
	ShapiroAndBallyhoo: you'll like what we do with LeBron James in 2010 the "we are all witnesses" thing isn't a slogan, it's a report
	Lumberjacks_kerrywood: What's the third head?
	ShapiroAndBallyhoo: Ah! That's something you'll have to figure out for yourself.
	Lumberjacks_kerrywood: is it "charge fans 250 dollars for a Shin-Soo Choo jersey?"
	ShapiroAndBallyhoo: /smiles
	Lumberjacks_kerrywood: how about "do not do well when John Adams is banging on the drum"
	ShapiroAndBallyhoo: Maybe!
	Lumberjacks_kerrywood: is it learning how to command insects so we can beat the Yankees without having to resort to baseball
	Lumberjacks_kerrywood: Wait, is it-
	ShapiroAndBallyhoo: /glares
	Lumberjacks_kerrywood: is it giving 20 million dollars to a guy you know isn't going to play instead of to the 250,000 other free agents who would?
	Lumberjacks_kerrywood: oh god, am i the third head
	ShapiroAndBallyhoo: AH HA HA HA HA, AAAAH HA HA HA HA HA
	ShapiroAndBallyhoo: /disappears into cloud of smoke

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Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)

12-18-2008 @ 7:52AM

Donut King said...

Here, Mark Shapiro has an evil David Glass-type persona . . . scaaaaaaary . . . but also quite exciting!

12-18-2008 @ 10:11AM

Jason said...

"Head 2 - Be good enough to get to the end of the race, but not good enough to finish it."

I don't think that philosophy will be a huge change for Kerry...

12-18-2008 @ 1:43PM

raefzilla said...

"Even on dollar dog day, when they substitute the normal hot dogs with these wretched, bile-soaked wieners that make your stomach feel like Sal Fasano's face."

I feel the exact same way at Royals Buck Night.