**OnlineHost** Next!

DaveParkerCantLose: Dave Parker. Pleased to meet you.

**OnlineHost** Oh, of course. Your career certainly deserves to be considered on the ballot.

DaveParkerCantLose: Thank you. It's an honor to be considered.

**OnlineHost** I remember you from the A's back in the Earthquake Series of '89. You were named World Series MVP!

DaveParkerCantLose: Indeed, that really was a crazy

wait, I wasn't named World Series MVP

**OnlineHost** Sure you were! You pitched a shutout in Game One and threw seven solid innings in Game Four!

DaveParkerCantLose: What?

Ohhhhh, I think you're thinking of Dave Stewart.

**OnlineHost** No, no, it was definitely you. You were on the A's and everything.

DaveParkerCantLose: No, I was actually a power hitter. I collected a total of 2,712 hits and hit 339 home runs over the course of my career.

**OnlineHost** Whoa, really?

DaveParkerCantLose: Yep!

**OnlineHost** How? How did you get that many hits as a pitcher? That's really something!

DaveParkerCantLose: Again, you're thinking of Dave Stewart.

**OnlineHost** Hey, remember that time you stood on the mound and threw a baseball at the catcher, and you were a pitcher?

DaveParkerCantLose: no because i was never a pitcher

**OnlineHost** Yeah you were! Dave Parker, pitcher, Oakland Athletics!

DaveParkerCantLose: NO I WAS NOT

**OnlineHost** Well, I feel as though you were a pitcher. That's just the way I feel. My position is not entirely defensible, but I hold to it all the same.

DaveParkerCantLose: sigh

all right, fine

yes, i was a pitcher and these are my statistics

**OnlineHost** Wait. These are Dave Stewart's stats. Are you Dave Stewart?

DaveParkerCantLose: i

**OnlineHost** Because if so, you've already been on the ballot twice and have been disqualified from future consideration. Next!

OroscoPColtrane: /mimes into chat room

**OnlineHost** Jesse Orosco! Man of a million faces!

OroscoPColtrane: /thumbs-up

**OnlineHost** Let's see your best Gilbert Gottfried.

OroscoPColtrane:

**OnlineHost** Now let's see your Eli Wallach!

OroscoPColtrane:

**OnlineHost** Leonard Cohen!

OroscoPColtrane:

**OnlineHost** Charlton Heston at the end of "Planet of the Apes"!

OroscoPColtrane:

**OnlineHost** Hall of Famer!

OroscoPColtrane: ...

/gestures emptily

**OnlineHost** Next!

HowIMadeMattWilliams: /doffs cap

/remembers he is bald

/puts cap back on

**OnlineHost** So. Why should you be in the Hall of Fame?

HowIMadeMattWilliams: well i suffered from male pattern baldness since i was like 20 or something; even at that young age i looked like i belonged on the podium in cooperstown

HowIMadeMattWilliams: i also did steroids

**OnlineHost** What?

HowIMadeMattWilliams: stick with me here

HowIMadeMattWilliams: there are plenty of guys you'll have to consider who took steroids. barry bonds, mark mcgwire, roger clemens, etc etc

HowIMadeMattWilliams: those guys all have numbers that would merit first-ballot induction were it not for the steroid question

**OnlineHost** Right.

HowIMadeMattWilliams: but then there's me

HowIMadeMattWilliams: i hit less than 400 home runs and less than 2000 hits. in these times, that's probably not enough

**OnlineHost** Correct.

HowIMadeMattWilliams: but i'm hoping for some sort of double-negative sort of logic here

HowIMadeMattWilliams: if players with Hall-worthy numbers do steroids and don't make it into the Hall of Fame, then maybe since i don't have Hall-worthy numbers and did steroids, i DO make it into the Hall of Fame

**OnlineHost** That doesn't make any sense.

HowIMadeMattWilliams: i don't know, i got nothing

**OnlineHost** I figured.

HowIMadeMattWilliams: wait, wait

remember the strike year, when i hit over 40 home runs despite only playing like two-thirds of a season?

**OnlineHost** Yeah, but so did, like, everybody. Matt freaking Williams hit over 40 home runs that year.

**OnlineHost** oh wait, you are Matt Williams

**OnlineHost** NEXT

MorrisTheCat: I am Jack Morris, and I believe that my candidacy merits serious consideration.

**OnlineHost** You're not getting in.

MorrisTheCat: aw why not

**OnlineHost** Here.

MorrisTheCat: well

well as a counterpoint, i present this

MorrisTheCat: look look i'm grinding my own ass

**OnlineHost** you are gross, Jack Morris

MorrisTheCat: /tongues own moustache