The Dugout: You Can't Kaipo Good Man Down

The original title of this Dugout was "JOSH BARD TO RED SOX," because I want the skimming people to read it, too. In case you're skimming this too, Boston has reportedly reached an agreement with catcher Josh Bard for $1.7 million. Yes, if you can somehow make it to the Major Leagues with the ability to hit .200 you too can be a millionaire. They will pay you almost two million dollars to sit in the minors and suck the ass of baseball. I guess everybody else there is a millionaire and they don't want you to feel bad.

For a greater hit-count, please enjoy tonight's Dugout, a straight-forward affair about... oh you aren't falling for this anymore, it is as crooked-forward as I could make it. Please continue via the jump.

The Dugout

	Online Host Welcome to the City of Boston Chatroom! The warriors of the Red Sox are huddled together in the city's inn.
	NotPedroiaLookingFor: All right, what do we need next... /consults Brady Games guide to Baseball
	NotPedroiaLookingFor: We got the hovercraft... we retrieved the sand ruby from the Antlion's den and used it to revive Jed Lowrie...
	LowrieSeasoningSalt: and again, I appreciate it
	NotPedroiaLookingFor: ...so what do we need now?
	OrtizItThisOne: a catcher
	EllsburyDoughboy: thank goodness we don't need a pitcher, I had to give Gil Velazquez to the guy at the front desk so we could stay the night
	LowrieSeasoningSalt: why'd we stop using normal money, again?
	OrtizItThisOne: THE YANKEES TOOK IT ALL.
	NotPedroiaLookingFor:
	Online Host Meanwhile, outside of the Inn...
	SpoonyBard: /wanders into town, sits by the water
	SpoonyBard: /plays theme of love on the harp
	Online Host Please play the Background Music now.
	SpoonyBard: I miss you, my dear San Diego...
	Online Host A monster appears!
	WaterHag: Raahhh!
	SpoonyBard: No!
	SpoonyBard: She wants me to be the catcher for the Red Sox again! I can't do it! Not after how bad I was last time! /hides
	WaterHag: /misses
	Online Host An apparition has appeared.
	SpoonyBard: Lindsey?
	SpooningBard: Josh. Josh, it's the ghost of your wife Lindsey. Can you hear me?
	SpoonyBard: OH MY GOD YOU'RE DEAD??
	SpooningBard: No sweetie nobody dies in this game, I was shot in the head during a robbery and ended up sleeping in a log cabin with some underground fairies
	SpooningBard: Anyway, the point I wanted to make was, "have some confidence"
	WaterHag: /takes off maybe 4 hp
	SpoonyBard: But Lindsey, how can I have confidence when I only played 60 games last year and hit .202?
	SpooningBard: jesus you seriously hit .202 sorry I don't really follow baseball
	SpoonyBard: /hides
	SpooningBard: No! What I meant to say was, statistics are meaningless! The Sox know more than the blogs do, if they wanted you again I'm sure they've got a good reason.
	SpoonyBard: is "sh** we forgot to have a catcher" a good reason
	WaterHag: /casts "hold" /misses
	SpooningBard: Hold on, let me kill this thing /dispatches Water Hag
	WaterHag: /dies, once again failing to succeed, even in the afterlife
	SpoonyBard: /hides
	SpooningBard: Josh, dear... I must go now...
	SpoonyBard: No Lindsey! Don't leave me alone!
	SpooningBard: Josh... do not let the Yankees win the AL East. You loved me. Now give your love to this ballclub.
	SpooningBard: and think of it this way, at least you won't have to watch Brian Giles smack around his pregnant girlfriend anymore
	SpoonyBard: yeah gp
	SpooningBard: /vanishes
	Online Host Please STOP the background music now.
	SpoonyBard: I will, Lindsey. But, what am I supposed to do now, Lindsey?
	Online Host Moments later, in the Inn...
	SpoonyBard: In 7 years I've only played over 100 games of a season twice! Let me join your team!
	NotPedroiaLookingFor: We're a segmented dynasty, brother, you can't join up just like that.
	EllsburyDoughboy: What are your special skills?
	SpoonyBard: I hit a walk-off homerun in my first game in the bigs, I can catch a knuckleball after three or four tries, and once when Aaron Rowand was charging home I pulled my wife in front of me to take the force of the blow.
	LowrieSeasoningSalt: Question NUMBER TWO!!!
	OrtizItThisOne: oh for the love of God, we need a catcher and this guy looks exactly like the rest of you, just let him on the damn team
	LowrieSeasoningSalt: aw, but, but but I wanted to ask question number two!
	OrtizItThisOne: Seriously?
	LowrieSeasoningSalt: /nods head
	OrtizItThisOne: I bet you don't even have a question. Go ahead, ask him question number two.
	LowrieSeasoningSalt: ....
	LowrieSeasoningSalt: uhhhh
	LowrieSeasoningSalt: uhhhhhhhhhhh
	LowrieSeasoningSalt: /looks around the room
	KingOfPap: /mouths "spies" /makes guns with fingers
	LowrieSeasoningSalt: do yoooouuuu... want to play spies?
	SpoonyBard: /hides
	Online Host Josh Bard has joined the Boston Red Sox!