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MLB

The Dugout: Pros and Cons

Posted Jan 07, 2009 10:30PM By B. Thompson Stroud (RSS feed)

Filed Under: Orioles, Yankees, AL East, The Dugout

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Dugout screen name, "StobeTopStuffing."

It's safe for us to break the news; according to our sources, slugger Mark Teixeira has agreed to a deal with the New York Yankees. The deal is for eight years and pays Teixeira a number to which I am not yet old enough to count. Apparently it was Teix's wife Leigh who gave the final go-ahead on the signing. I guess we know who wears the stirrup pants in this family!

Tonight's Dugout (which takes place in an unnamed December of 2008 chatroom, in case you were wondering) is after the jump.

The Dugout

LeighTeixGloves: I'm gonna write "pros" on one side of the paper, and "cons" on the other.
LeighTeixGloves: So when you think of a good reason why you should play in Baltimore we'll write it under pros, and when you think of a reason why you shouldn't, we write it under cons. Got it?
TeixMeix: I think so...
LeighTeixGloves: For example, if you said "Cal Ripken, Jr." we'd write him in under "pro," but "Ugueth Urbina" would go under "con."
LeighTeixGloves: "O.J. Simpson" would be written diagonally across the page
TeixMeix: Wow, an O.J. joke in 2008. Good job, honey.
LeighTeixGloves: I am a mousy trophy wife, how clever do you think I am
LeighTeixGloves: anyway, when we're done we'll see how many pros and cons we have and base our decision on that.

TeixMeix: All right. /thinks

Well, I was born in Annapolis, Maryland.

TeixMeix: My favorite team growing up was the Baltimore Orioles, and I've always wanted to play for them.

TeixMeix: My Dad roots for the Orioles. My Mom roots for the Orioles. Hell, everybody in my family roots for the Orioles.

Except for my 3 year old cousin with massive edema of the head, he roots for the Mets.

TeixMeix: My hero is Eddie Murray, and playing first base in Baltimore would be a great way to honor him.
TeixMeix: ...and Baltimore needs a first baseman, especially a power hitting first baseman who plays all the time.
TeixMeix: I'd be the crown jewel of the offense, the franchise player, and I could inspire a new generation of Marylanders to reach for their dreams and make it to the big leagues.
TeixMeix: and even if they paid me the league minimum I'd be making 4 times more than Nick Markakis

LeighTeixGloves: /finishes writing

mkay, now, what-
TeixMeix: Oh, also, my favorite colors are black and orange.
TeixMeix: My favorite food is crab, and if I played in Baltimore I'd be scooping a succulent feast out of my path with a shovel every time I walked down the street.
TeixMeix: I consider ornithology a hobby, I'm a member of Ireland's House of Lords, I love the Talking Heads, and "Chubby" was my favorite Little Rascal
LeighTeixGloves: all right, well what about-
TeixMeix: And THE WIRE, oh god I almost forgot The Wire. If I played in Baltimore I would never stop pretending that I was on The Wire.
TeixMeix: During practice I'd run up to Terry Crowley and be like, "AY STRANG, AT BOY MARLO SCOOPIN UP ALL THE FREE AGENTS" and he'd tell me to sit tight and not worry about the free agents
TeixMeix: (p.s. the front office of the orioles is on the second floor of a funeral home)
LeighTeixGloves: Mark! What are the CONS for choosing Baltimore?

TeixMeix: .... /thinks about it
TeixMeix: They don't win a lot, and I'd make slightly less money.
LeighTeixGloves: Okay, pros for playing in New York.
TeixMeix: I'd make more money, and I'd finish in third next year instead of fourth.
LeighTeixGloves: Cons?
TeixMeix: They don't need me. The left side of their infield makes more money than the Brewers.
TeixMeix: I can scrape "billionaire" wherever I go next season, but by choosing New York I've made it clear that what is most important to me is "extra money."
TeixMeix: Every great thing I'll do will be forgotten a week later. They'll boo me when I fail, but when someone insults the TEAM, every halfway decent thing I've ever done will become irrefutable proof of TEAM GLORY.
TeixMeix: Yeah, I'll be despised by everyone who hates the Yankees. And the people that love the Yankees are those same monosyllabic extras that threw rocks at the Green Goblin to protect Spider-Man.
TeixMeix: I look fat in pinstripes. I'll have to cut my beautiful dreadlocks. Don Mattingly was the dyslexic Wade Boggs.
TeixMeix: I'll have to start having sex with strippers and elderly yoga orcs to take my mind off of the media scrutiny.
TeixMeix: My uniform'll have a four-digit number on it because every player who has hit .250 for them in the last 80 years has had their number retired

TeixMeix: I already look like Jared from Subway, now I'm going to be stabbed IN a subway
LeighTeixGloves: /finishes writing
TeixMeix: So, what's the final tally?
LeighTeixGloves: let's see... /shuffles papers
LeighTeixGloves: Baltimore... for cons I wrote "losers" and "no money." For the pros I wrote "you like Baltimore." So that's two cons and only one pro
LeighTeixGloves: for New York I wrote the word "SPECIAL" in 3-D block letters and drew stars around it. Because I think it'd be RILLY special if you played for the Yankees!
TeixMeix: what did you write under New York's cons?
LeighTeixGloves: nothing, because I started wondering where I could get a pink sweater-cape with the NY logo on it
LeighTeixGloves: oh, wait, under "cons" I wrote "do you ever want to have sex with me again"
TeixMeix: /lowers head
TeixMeix: but the best show I can pretend I'm on with the Yankees is "New York Undercover." That show isn't gritty, it starred one of the dancers from Beat It!
LeighTeixGloves: hey it's not my decision, I was just telling you what's written under cons
TeixMeix: /lowers head
LeighTeixGloves: You could pretend you're on "Lipstick Jungle!"
TeixMeix: argggh, how much money am I going to be making again
LeighTeixGloves: All of it. More than Spike Lee and Chubsy-Ubsy combined.

TeixMeix: /stuffs pillowcase with hundred dollar bills

/smothers face with pillow
LeighTeixGloves: /texts everyone she knows
Photos link to player info. (Photo Credit: Getty Images) WordUpThome.com

Tags: leigh+teixeira, LeighTeixeira, leighteixgloves, mark+teixeira, MarkTeixeira, teixmeix

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