The Dugout: More Of The Same

As former President Andrew Johnson reported earlier this week, the New York Yankees and Boston Red Sox are not, in fact, the same team. I've never thought of them as an autonomous unit, but rather a set of bookends. Between them lies history, science, geography.. all of the important stuff, everything you need to know. Everything outside of them is just crap on your shelves.

As Andrew pointed out, the teams are run very differently. The Yankees have unzipped their, uh, coin purse and put their dense, cylindrical wrapped coins on the table, scooping up the available big names in a grand fashion that leaves nothing but a cloud of smoke and gold-laced footprints in the faces of the competition.

The Sox have responded by holding up a picture of Dustin Pedroia and trying to find every free agent who looks remotely like him. It's been a running gag in our strip for a while now, but the Red Sox need to sign Delmon and Dmitri Young to keep me from going snowblind next season.

The whitest Dugout u'know is after the jump.

The Dugout

	Online Host Welcome to the Boston Red Sox (EN) Chatroom!
	FranconaBun: ...and I wanted to assure you that we're taking the necessary steps to remain contenders in 2009.
	FranconaBun: The Yankees are throwing huge contracts at the big free agents, so to counteract that, we did what we've always done: throwing okay-sized contracts at the medium-to-small free agents.
	OrtizItThisOne: are they scrappy balding white guys with beards, because if they are, I swear to God
	FranconaBun: are they... hahah! Oh David, you're forgetting that we play BASEBALL, the most progressive of all sports!
	EllsburyDoughboy: baseball is so ahead of its time that I once took batting practice and ended up at the enchantment under the sea dance
	FranconaBun: So don't worry, we didn't sign scrappy balding white guys with beards, we signed the players that will best help us win the division!
	OrtizItThisOne: /shakes head
	FranconaBun: We've all heard about the Yankees signing C.C. Sabathia, right?
	NotPedroiaLookingFor: THEY DID WHAT OH GOD WE'RE DOOMED
	SpoonyBard: /hides
	FranconaBun: Well, we took the necessary steps down, and here to bolster our pitching staff is none other than 1/4th Ace John Smoltz!
	jewish_smores: /tips hat
	OrtizItThisOne: scrappy balding white guy with a beard
	FranconaBun: Smoltz is 41 years of age and comes to us from the "National Leagues," a companion organization that lets pitchers bat and jacks it to ground balls.
	OrtizItThisOne: What's the matter, Jamie Moyer couldn't grow a thick-enough beard to merit a contract?
	LowrieSeasoningSalt: did you guys see the yankees also signed mark teixeira? that gave them a big bat
	ChildrenOfALesterGod: yeah there's no way that bat is regulation
	EllsburyDoughboy: that signing made me sad, he seemed white enough to play on our team!
	OrtizItThisOne: /glares
	FranconaBun: Heh, oh yees of little faith! The Sox have added a bat, too! And it's a big one!
	FranconaBun: Uh, okay well it's not a "big" bat per se, but definitely a medium-sized bat, if medium is closer to small than to large
	KingOfPap: waht/
	FranconaBun: Rocco Baldelli, everybody!
	RoccosModernLife: good morning, everybody!
	sacrament_of_youkilis: Morning? It's like 11 at night
	OrtizItThisOne: scrappy balding white guy with a beard
	OrtizItThisOne: Although to your credit that's not much of a beard.
	RoccosModernLife: What I lack in having a beard I make up for by being EXTRA scrappy!
	OrtizItThisOne: Is this the guy whose body doesn't work properly?
	RoccosModernLife: That's me! I have a mitochondrial disorder that causes fatigue and muscle weakness.
	FranconaBun: There have been some imperfections in the Mike Greenwell cloning process, but we're working out the kinks.
	LowrieSeasoningSalt: on earth-2 i'm a superboy!
	sacrament_of_youkilis: How about A.J. Burnett, skip? We got an answer for him?
	FranconaBun: I'm glad you asked! We've got a-
	OrtizItThisOne: scrappy balding white guy with a beard
	pennywise: pffff, shows what you know, i'm not scrappy at all
	Online Host Welcome to the Boston Red Sox (JP) Chatroom!
	MayIsComfyButJunichi: You don't think they'll have trouble telling us apart?
	LettersFromOkajima: Dude, I'M not going to be able to tell us apart.
	LettersFromOkajima: If Daisuke wasn't so much better than me I'd be wearing his clothes right now.
	AndrewDiceK: have you seen that thing hideki does with his head when he pitches? it's the imperfections in the greenwell miike cloning process
	LettersFromOkajima: or "croning" process
	LettersFromOkajima: wait, no, sorry, "cloning" is correct
	AndrewDiceK: seriously though, the last thing we need on this team is another well meaning fish-out-of-water japanese pitcher
	MasaSaito: /slowly backs out of room
	Online Host Welcome to the Boston Red Sox African-American Chatroom!

Photos link to player info. (Photo Credit: Getty Images) WordUpThome.com

Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)

1-11-2009 @ 9:06AM

snaggydaggy said...

I almost choked on my Banana Nut Cherrios this morning from that last part. Thank you for making this morning awesome!

1-11-2009 @ 1:26PM

Joe Visitor said...

So you think you're funny, do ya?

OK, maybe a little...

1-11-2009 @ 5:41PM

Sandra Dee said...

It's columns like this that I wish we could fit them onto a sweatshirt or something. I have never laughed so hard. Thank you

1-11-2009 @ 5:55PM

skeenek said...

Ortiz being pissed off at all this is just perfect. That was HILARIOUS.

1-11-2009 @ 8:48PM

Wayne said...

That was great. Just when I thought it couldn't get any better, the JP chat room came along. All the names were great.

1-12-2009 @ 10:23AM

dr said...

I'm disappointed in the cliches, you're better than this dugout

1-12-2009 @ 5:43PM

Hit Dog said...

I was thrilled by the cliches. You are plainly not better than this dugout. Scruffy balding white guys 4 Eva!

1-13-2009 @ 3:41PM

Candice said...

Both funny and sad.

1-13-2009 @ 1:03PM

andrew.jonathan said...

This makes as much sense as Final Crisis. Which means that it's either the best thing ever written, or a printed pile of sh*t. Either way, keep up with the FF 2 references.