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MLB

The Dugout: John Mozeliak Live-Chat

Posted Jan 22, 2009 8:00PM By B. Thompson Stroud (RSS feed)

Filed Under: Cardinals, NL Central, MLB Live Blogging, The Dugout

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See this face? This is the face I make when I log on to a baseball news site and have to read about how a grown-up millionaire discovered the internet and thought the best way to deal with a /b/-chan baseball fan was a snarky, wordy version of "your mother." The only way I can imagine it being better is if Mozeliak copy/pasted what the troll said and responded to it sentence by sentence. BECAUSE THAT IS ALWAYS ENTERTAINING.

To counteract this, The Dugout used its pull as the credibility of FanHouse to get our own live-chat with the Cardinals general manager, and here it is. Read more, after the jump.

The Dugout

**Online Host**
Got a question for Cardinals general manager John Mozeliak? Join him for a live chat at noon Wednesday, only at http://mlb.fanhouse.com/category/the-dugout/.


Welcome to the Wednesday, January 21, 2009 12:00 PM CST Chatroom!

MozeliakFirefox: Good afternoon, based on the number of pages I have my work cut out. I do intend to address many of topics that are currently being written about either by posts, blogs, or in the PD. Let's get this started!
HeadOfMiklasz: I'm your host, sports columnist Bernie Miklasz, and I'm what would happen if Seth Rogen and Tom Nieto mated.
**Online Host**

HeadOfMiklasz: I look so much like Tom Nieto that my last name starts with an m-apostrophe

Let's begin!
**Online Host**
8ball writes: What are the chances that Kyle McClellan ends up in the starting rotation? I personally would love to see it.
MozeliakFirefox: To hard to predict but to makes more sense for him to prepare as a starter should we need him. He will benefit from that.
**Online Host**
ColossalCardsFan writes: Why didn't we give Brad Penny a shot??
MozeliakFirefox: Because we feel there will be other options out there should we need to replace a starter. But we feel good about are rotation as of today.
HeadOfMiklasz: But how would you feel having your club that closely associated to Alyssa Milano?
MozeliakFirefox: If I wanted a pitcher's girlfriend to have that much arm hair I'd order Braden Looper to f**k a bear.
**Online Host**
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth writes: do you have any idea what the song "human" by the killers is suppost to be about
HeadOfMiklasz: Great question. The lyric goes, "Are we human or are we dancer?" which doesn't make any sense, but Brandon Flowers says we're idiots if we don't understand.
MozeliakFirefox: Of course. As we all know, Santa Claus has a team of magical reindeer who fly him around the world on Christmas night, delivering presents to the good boys and girls.
MozeliakFirefox: Specials like "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" portray this team as personified, English-speaking creatures.
MozeliakFirefox: They have very basic emotions; they ostracize their own because of imperfections, possibly because, despite their heightened intelligence, they are, at heart, still beasts.
MozeliakFirefox: Think of them like the Trix Rabbit, who walks upright and speaks English but can't understand that white rabbits don't process sugar like humans and a bowl of Trix could kill him.
HeadOfMiklasz: one step ahead of you
MozeliakFirefox: I suggest that Santa's deer-teamster "Dancer" is the least evolved of the crew. Perhaps he poops outside of the barn. Perhaps they put him in the middle of the lineup. Like Albert Pujols!
HeadOfMiklasz: Are you suggesting that Pujols sh**s in a barn, or that he is unable to sh** in a barn?
MozeliakFirefox: The song is from the point of view of a reindeer in that team, asking, "Are we human (evolved, civilized)? Or are we (like) Dancer (wild, unthinking)?"
MozeliakFirefox: Does that answer your question?
**Online Host**
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth writes: lol i am never playen for the cardnals
HeadOfMiklasz: Next question, please! And let's try to make this one about something important, like VORP!

**Online Host**
I Hate Bill Demott!!!! writes: Please describe what it's like living in your little land of make believe where you honestly believe that Cardinal fans should be excited about this team.

If you wouldn't mind, go into details, about how in MO's world people are celebrating are three horrible new lefty relievers, and the signing of our awesome new .213 hitting shortstop.
HeadOfMiklasz: ooh, ice burn

MozeliakFirefox: You cannot see it, but I am making the letter "W" on my forehead with my thumbs and index fingers

MozeliakFirefox: I would rather live in my world than yours, butt-hole! What's it like in your world? Oh wait, I bet I know, you are living in your mom's basement!
MozeliakFirefox: Your world is Star Trek, and watching Robotech on shotty VHS because the DVD clipped 4 minutes from episode 7F03
MozeliakFirefox: according to my hypothetical dimensional thermometer it is 30 something degrees in your world, and your dimension X girlfriend wrote into that universe's Hustler magazine to say that you were bad at Earth-2's polarized version of sex
MozeliakFirefox: what are you doing in your world? oh, going to work you say? do you work at a lebanese restaurant for 4 dollars less than minimum wage in a strip mall in a suburb of Cleveland?
MozeliakFirefox: when you go to work do your guests ask you "is it free refills?" i bet they do, and that when they do you automatically know they are cheap assholes who aren't going to tip you
MozeliakFirefox: you go home and complain to your Mom about how work sucks, but it's you who is making the bad decisions and blaming it on the shortcomings of your dead father
MozeliakFirefox: that's right, in your little world your father is dead, how do you like that?
MozeliakFirefox: but put on a happy grin, faggort, because the summer air will arrive soon and awaken your senses to the 2009 St. Louis Cardinals
MozeliakFirefox: we make decisions based on scouts, stats, and other information. If we thought Greene was going to hit .213 we would not, I repeat, not make the deal.
MozeliakFirefox: We would, however, consider signing Manny Ramirez and putting him in a blonde mullet wig to pass him OFF as Greene, to avoid the media scrutiny
MozeliakFirefox: So go back to your world, internet tough guy, and hopefully by July you'll realize that while Hugh Morrus was lame, General Rection put on some pretty good matches.
HeadOfMiklasz: cuh-cuh-cuh-COMBO BREAKER
**Online Host**
I Hate Bill Demott!!!! writes: harshly owned

HeadOfMiklasz: We've got time for one more question.


And to emphasize this, I am going to write in one sentence paragraphs.


**Online Host**
HindSword writes: I read on the internet that Troy Glaus will miss part of the season because of shoulder surgery. With that in mind, who do you think will win the Super Bowl?
MozeliakFirefox: I don't follow football, myself, but a lot of the guys on the team play "the Madden" so let me give them a call. /dials phone
HeadOfMiklasz: While Mr. Mozeliak is AFK, I'll be happy to field any questions you might have for me!
**Online Host**
Destinys2ndKid writes: Why are you such a fat-headed dope?
HeadOfMiklasz:
MozeliakFirefox: Okay, I've got somebody. Braden! Braden, who do you think is going to win the Super Bowl?
MozeliakFirefox: Mm hm. Mm hm. That so? All right, thanks Braden. Oh, by the way, how would you feel about having sex with a bear? Great. Talk to you later. /hangs up phone
HeadOfMiklasz: So, what'd he say?
MozeliakFirefox: He already had sex with the bear, and he wants me to look at its baseball-themed crafts
HeadOfMiklasz: No, I meant about the Super Bowl.
MozeliakFirefox: I don't know, he just screamed KORT WARMER into the phone.
MozeliakFirefox: Now if you'll excuse me, I have to sign off the internet and spend the rest of the evening NOT making any deals! I'm like a human F.Y.E.!
**Online Host**
MozeliakFirefox has left the chatroom.
HeadOfMiklasz: That's all the time we have. Thanks to everyone who sent in questions. I'd like to leave you with these words: I hate the Cardinals.
HeadOfMiklasz: Join me next week when I talk to some more people from the Cardinals!
Photos link to player info. (Photo Credit: Getty Images) WordUpThome.com

Tags: bernie+miklasz, BernieMiklasz, headofmiklasz, john+mozeliak, JohnMozeliak, mozeliakfirefox

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