OUR FANHOUSE TOOLBAR INTEGRATES THE LATEST SPORTS NEWS INTO YOUR WEB BROWSER AND INSTALLS IN SECONDS.
YOU CAN DOWNLOAD THE TOOLBAR HERE.

MLB

The Dugout: HisTorre

Posted Jan 25, 2009 5:40PM By B. Thompson Stroud (RSS feed)

Filed Under: Dodgers, Yankees, AL East, NL East, The Dugout

Text SizeAAA
In what amounts to pretty much the only interesting sports story of the day, Joe Torre has taken it upon himself to write a tell-all book dismissing his former ballclub like so much prostate cancer.

In the book, Joe reveals that Alex Rodriguez is a weird creep, Brian Cashman isn't 100 percent on the level, and George Steinbrenner cares more about the "Yankees" than he does about the people who make up the Yankees. The title of the book, if you're interested in reading it, is Things We Already Knew*.

Sunday's Dugout is after the jump.

The Dugout

Torreumon: Here it is! "The Yankee Years" by Joe Torre, all typed up and ready for the publisher!
Alitorrical: You changed the title? Aw, but I liked the one you had!
Torreumon: yeah me too but Barnes & Noble won't carry a book called "Derek Jeter: Oral Captain or, Paul O'Neill Is More Like Paul Oh Kneel, My Time With the F****t Yankees"
Alitorrical: Well, let me see it! I want to read!

Torreumon: /proudly hands over manuscript

/stands silently, picks nose
Alitorrical: "The Yankee Years" by Joe Torre! /opens book
**Online Host**
Page 1
Torreumon: Where's A-Rod going with that ax?
WinBenSteinsBrenner: Out to the clubhouse. Some free agents were signed last night.
Torreumon: I don't see why he needs an ax...
WinBenSteinsBrenner: Well, one of the free agents likes to bunt. He's very small and weak, and he will never amount to anything. He only makes 6 million a year, so Alex has decided to do away with it.
Torreumon: Do away with it?! You mean kill it? Just because it makes less money than the others??
WinBenSteinsBrenner: Don't yell, Joe! Alex is right. The New York Media would probably kill it anyway.

Torreumon: /rushes out of kitchen

/runs out onto the field; the grass was wet and the earth smelled of springtime
**Online Host**
Joe's sneakers were sopping by the time he caught up with his third baseman.
Torreumon: Please don't kill it! It's unfair!

homosexual_rod: CHO, JOO HAF TO LEARN TO CONTROL JOORSELF

homosexual_rod: /rests ax on shoulder,walks into dugout

HEEEEERE PICKY PICKY PICKYYYYY
Alitorrical: Wait a minute, you start the book with Alex Rodriguez killing somebody with an ax?
Torreumon: It's "based on true events." The true event I based it on is "Alex Rodriguez plays for the Yankees!" It's like the Texas Chainsaw Massacre!
Torreumon: Keep reading, up next is the part where he tells me he knows more about running a baseball team than I do, but then that runt grows up and we win the championship!
Alitorrical: What runt?
Torreumon: Uhhh... well I based the character's physical appearance on Chuck Knoblauch, but he's mostly a manifestation of my personal yearnings
Alitorrical: And when did you win a championship with Alex Rodriguez? Wasn't Knoblauch gone by the time Rodriguez showed up?
Torreumon: You don't know anything about baseball, honey, it's called "artistic license." /rolls eyes
Alitorrical: Is this entire book about how you are a maverick genius who defied the odds despite everyone around you being gay, manipulative, or a sociopath?
Torreumon: Yes, but there are some Curveballs Along The Way™. Keep reading.
**Online Host**
Page 18, verses 15-18, 25-27
WinBenSteinsBrenner: Do you know anything about this man wanting to coach the Yankees in 2008?
ILoveCashman: No, I do not.
Torreumon: /sits silently
HanksForNothing: Haven't you talked to this man about a two year contract extension?
ILoveCashman: No, I have not.
Torreumon: /turns other cheek, picks nose
BetweenHeavenAndHal: Didn't I see you with Him in Monument Park?
ILoveCashman: No.
Cock: /crows
Alitorrical: Is the "H" in that sentence supposed to be capitalized?
Torreumon: uhhhhhhh.... yes
Torreumon: Don't stop reading, near the end you and I team up with a ten-foot robotic construct named "d0g" to battle prostate cancer.
Alitorrical: This is terrible, Joe, why would you do this?
Alitorrical: I've never known you to be this petty, slanderous, or egotistical, and you've obviously just done this for a big paycheck. What's going on?
Torreumon: Well, like I always said... "Once a Yankee, always a Yankee."
**Online Host**
Meanwhile, across the country...
FranconaBun: Here it is! "Where The Red Sock Grows" by Terry Francona, all typed up and ready for the publisher!
FranconasHun: Well, let me see it! I want to read!
FranconaBun: /proudly hands over manuscript

/stands silently, spits grotesque tobacco water onto floor
FranconasHun: "Where the Red Sock Grows" by Terry Francona! /opens book
**Online Host**
Page 1
MannyTheTorpedoes: whers papa goin with that ax

KingOfPap: i unno

mayb 2 chop would, mayb 2 slotter a runt

MannyTheTorpedoes: o

doeno why he nees a ax tho
MannyTheTorpedoes: hey u wan play spies

KingOfPap: ok

what do spies do
MannyTheTorpedoes: slotter runts!!!
NotPedroiaLookingFor: /slowly backs out of chatroom
Photos link to player info. (Photo Credit: Getty Images) WordUpThome.com


*Not really, obviously.

Tags: alex+rodriguez, AlexRodriguez, ali+torre, AliTorre, alitorrical, betweenheavenandhal, brian+cashman, BrianCashman, e5_rod, franconabun, franconashun, hal+steinbrenner, HalSteinbrenner, hank+steinbrenner, hanksfornothing, HankSteinbrenner, ilovecashman, joe+torre, JoeTorre, kingofpap, mannythetorpedoes, notpedroialookingfor, torreumon

Related Articles

Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)




Complete World Series Coverage

2009 World Series -- FanHouse Illustration
FanHouse's coverage of the 2009 Fall Classic.

Baseball's Forgotten Crusader

Curt Flood -- FanHouse Illustration
Four decades ago, Curt Flood made enormous sacrifices and changed the national pastime forever.