**OnlineHost** Welcome to Giants Front Office Chat!

DukeNeukom: Mr. Clark, I'm happy to offer you this special assistant position. Nobody knows what a "special assistant" is or what he's supposed to do.

DukeNeukom: But I do know that over the course of a scant twenty years, you transmogrified from Colin Farrell to Wilford Brimley.

WillClarkAnEgyptian: Why are you dressed like that?

DukeNeukom: I'm a time traveler from the year 1845. Sign.

WillClarkAnEgyptian: /takes pen

**OnlineHost** Barry Bonds has entered the chat room without permission.

GoldBonds: /snatches away contract and pen

WillClarkAnEgyptian: aw man! i was just about to make several more jokes and then sign that!

GoldBonds: shh

/reads over contract

GoldBonds: /scratches out "will clark"

/writes in "barry bonds"

GoldBonds: /scratches out "one year, $400,000"

/writes in "twenty years, a billion"

GoldBonds: /scratches out "duties to include celebrity appearances and instruction of minor league players"

/writes in "duties to include slouching, telling other people that they are wrong about any given thing"

GoldBonds: /scratches out "The Player agrees to perform his services diligently and faithfully and to keep himself in first-class physical condition"

/draws in a picture of a tyrannosaurus rex devouring Steven Hawking

GoldBonds: /signs

glad to be on the team

DukeNeukom: What is this?

GoldBonds: the wheelchair scientist

GoldBonds: welp, see you in like july i guess

DukeNeukom: Wait. Barry, we are not signing you. It's not happening.

GoldBonds: why not

DukeNeukom: Wait. Barry, we are not signing you. It's not happening. In fact, I don't think any baseball team is ever going to sign you.

GoldBonds: baseball teams have nothing to do with barry bonds

wait

GoldBonds: is this about the performance enhancing drugs, nobody can prove that i did performance enhancing drugs

DukeNeukom: Well actually, multiple people have provided testimony against you, and more people have yet to testify.

DukeNeukom: According to a report, the feds have evidence that you did steroids.

DukeNeukom: There is a verified audio recording of you calling 911, saying, "my name is Barry Bonds and I have done steroids," and hanging up.

DukeNeukom: One time, you got everyone in the world over to your house and then proceeded to inject yourself with steroids in the living room.

DukeNeukom: There's this guy in a remote region of Mongolia who was abducted by wild dogs as an infant and dragged into the woods, and the wild dogs raised him into adulthood.

He has never seen another human being, and doesn't know how to speak or walk upright, but he still knows that you did steroids.

DukeNeukom: You're holding a suitcase right now labeled, "STEROIDS, PROPERTY OF BARRY BONDS, WHO IS ME"

GoldBonds: damn it

well what the hell, sign me anyway

DukeNeukom: Why would I do that?

GoldBonds: because you just paid will clark a million billion dollars to autograph baseballs and tell minor leaguers really obvious batting tips that everybody knows

WillClarkAnEgyptian: /shrug

GoldBonds: pff screw this, barry bonds is gonna start up his own team and sign himself to a contract

**OnlineHost** GoldBonds has left the chat room.

**OnlineHost** Welcome to Bondsville Bondsies Chat!

GoldBonds: glad to have you on the team, mr. bonds

GoldBonds: /sits alone in wheat field