We open on a lone soldier walking through the desert. The year is 1861. The place ... Mars! Please read these before continuing:Watchmaker, Part One
Watchmaker, Part Two
Watchmaker, Part Three
Special thanks to our pals at Deadspin for the heads-up on the hilarious future of boring gaming, a continued thanks to Dave Gibbons and Alan Moore, and the most special thanks of all to the Kansas City Royals for doing things that make me think they will be a sort-of-okay baseball team next season.
This morning's Dugout is after the jump.
The Dugout
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PECOTA: A GAME! OF GREAT CHARM IN THE ADOPTION OF MATHEMATICAL MEASUREMENTS TO THE TIMING OF HUMAN MOVEMENTS! |
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PECOTA: THE EXACTITUDES AND ADJUSTMENTS OF PHYSICAL ABILITY TO HAZARDOUS CHANCE! |
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PECOTA: THE SPEED OF THE LEGS! THE DEXTERITY OF THE BODY! THE GRACE OF THE... ...OF THE |
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pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: click click click click click click click click |
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PECOTA: WHAT ARE YOU DOING |
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pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: what the eff do you think im doen chuckleberry hound i'm playen MLB Front Office Manager the new game from oakland a's general manager willy beamish |
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pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: dur, your the one what crystalized the insides a mars to make me a clock-worked xbox 360 |
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PECOTA: SO THE "CLICK CLICK! CLICK" WAS TO EMULATE THE SOUND OF YOU PRESSING BUTTONS? |
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PECOTA: BECAUSE IF THAT IS THE CASE YOU SHOULD HAVE PUT A FORWARD! SLASH BEFORE THE WORDS, TO IMPLY ACTION! |
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pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: what oh, that |
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pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: no, i wasent implyen action there i was in the middle of singen a saliva jam an forgot the lyrics |
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pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: this game is the most fun ive had since "we are back! a dinosaurs story" for the snes you should give it a try, right now i'm space-larpin as g.m. of the royals |
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PECOTA: ooh really let me see |
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pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: this is my create-a-man
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pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: for the commander of the royals i have chosen the finest man ive knowned, former president david palmer
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PECOTA: HOW ARE WE DOING! |
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pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: the season hasent started yet but so fars ive convinced mike jacobs to dh to keep his bat in the lineup and gotten teahen to switch to second base |
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pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: i locked up greinke for four years sos he'll be with us through 2012 |
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PECOTA: WHAT DID YOU DO WITH ALEX GORDON! |
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pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: he came into my office like "david i need a raise" so i tolt him not to call me by my first name, then throwed a vase amongst the wall |
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pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: then i franchised his ass and i dont mean that in the football way, i mean it in the shane douglas way |
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pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: rite now i'm wanderin through post-apocalyptic jackson county with a crow-bar, pone-ownen some zombines |
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PECOTA: WHAT DID YOU DO! WITH BILLY BUTLER! |
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pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: i sent him to bob ueckers house to do house-work an dispense life-alteren advices until he got his fat ass into a shape |
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pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: he showd up to trey hill's preseason sleepover with chisled lats |
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pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: then i fired trey hill for haven preseason sleepovers i gave the job to davey johnson, somebody should give that guy another shot |
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PECOTA: YEAH THEY PROBABLY SHOULD |
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PECOTA: WHAT DO THOSE BARS BESIDE YOUR GENERAL MANAGER MEAN! |
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pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: its like the back of marvel cards, one measures intelligents, once measures durability, the one at the bottom is how often you immaturely talk sh** about your players to the media |
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pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: the avg. score for a mlb gm is a 9/10, which is jim bowden goen "aaron crow? F**K that guy" |
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pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: i max't mine out an juss this mornen i leaked a gay sex tape of julio cesar pimentel |
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PECOTA: JULIO CESAR PIMENTEL IS GAY |
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pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: in this campain he is |
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PECOTA: YOU CAN MAKE THE PLAYERS IN THIS GAME GAY |
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pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: well no, you can't "make" the players gay, homosexuality isent somethen you decide to do, it just so happens that julio cesar pimentel is gay in this run-through |
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pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: he also found a dog in junktown what helps him dispose of certain giant ants he finds in the wastelands |
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PECOTA: WHAT KIND OF GAME! IS THIS! |
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pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: a f***en awesome game, that is what kine of game this is, thanks a load billy beam |
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PECOTA: HMMM! /runs fingers through broom-thick moustache |
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PECOTA: YOUR IDEAS ARE INTRIGUING TO ME! AND I WISH TO SUBSCRIBE TO YOUR NEWSLETTER! |
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pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: its callt a "zine" |
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PECOTA: THE TIME TO RETURN TO EARTH! FOR THE 2009 SEASON IS DRAWING NEAR! AND I THINK YOUR IDEAS MAY HOLD MERIT! |
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pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: rly |
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PECOTA: RLY~!!! /grabes X-Box 360, and in an incredible feat of supernatural strength, holds X-Box 360 over head |
| **Online Host** The internet, ladies and gentlemen! |
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PECOTA: /throws X-Box at crystal palace, destroying it |
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pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: you awwww, all my stuff was up there |
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PECOTA: COME! WITH THE MELTING OF THE SNOWS COMES THE AWAKENING OF GLASS! WE HAVEN'T MUCH TIME! |
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pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: do i get my own motorcycle |
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PECOTA: YOUR OWN- WHAT? NO |
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pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: hmph /sits down |
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PECOTA: COME! ON, WE'VE BEEN UP HERE FOR MONTHS! THIS WON'T BE AS DRAMATIC WITHOUT YOU! |
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pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: nope, sry, you enjoy your motoredcycle i will be right here reinacten the enden of "space cowboys" |
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pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: what do i have to live for, i play for the royals an my wife an child are long dead |
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PECOTA: LONG DEAD WE HAVEN'T BEEN UP HERE THAT LONG |
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pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: i left them in the car with the windows up /looks around |
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pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: awwwrgh look what you did to the crystal xbox
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pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: awwrgghhh i hope somebody murders you |
| **Online Host** Meanwhile, on Earth... |
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MannyBoutTown: Pardon me, gentlemen. /flips switch |
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MannyBoutTown: manny being ozymandias |
Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)
1-30-2009 @ 9:12AM
Ragingape said...
The world will look up and shout "Save us!" and I will whisper back "HEY THIS IS JI"
Reply
1-30-2009 @ 11:21AM
Ted Striker said...
Great, now Manny's going to make a hideous, slug-like monster appear in NYC.
I was wondering when y'all would bring Joba into this storyline.
Reply
1-30-2009 @ 12:17PM
Proibito said...
>then i franchised his ass
>and i dont mean that in the football way, i mean
>it in the shane douglas way
This whole thing is sheer brilliance. B, your writing skills continue to amaze me (although I still can't find that XE article you wrote about the funniest lines of video game dialogue) ...
Reply
1-31-2009 @ 11:51PM
B said...
That's awesome, thank you. Matt and I had a falling out and he removed most of my stuff from the site, and I only managed to recover what's in the P-Boi archives right now.
(but it's okay, Matt and I made up and are buds now)
1-30-2009 @ 6:44PM
d000000000m said...
Mannybouttown: I did it 35 minutes ago
Reply
1-31-2009 @ 11:49PM
Gleebo said...
Willy Beamish!! I used to love that game on the PC back when!
Reply
1-31-2009 @ 11:51PM
B said...
I owned it for the Sega CD, and enjoyed the 30 seconds of gameplay between two minute load times I enjoyed before the ten minute timer expired and the machine froze up completely