The Dugout: Oakland 'Athletics'

Jason Giambi will be back with the Oakland Athletics next season, and for whatever reason MLB.com decided to pay somebody to report that the A's pitching staff will benefit from his wealth of knowledge about... pitching? "Giambi is nice man, friendships will help the ballclub!" "A's have many shirts in XL to spare, Giambi arrives fully clothed with no additional orders necessary!"

Regardless, with the addition of Giambi to the lineup comes a refocus on the Athletics for The Dugout. We haven't really had anything to say about the A's other than "Frank Thomas is old/dying," so a nice New York sized helping of cost-rationalization and homophobic slurs are in order. The A's should hire David Wells and any other fat sack of crap they can locate and be the "ironic team."

Tonight's Dugout is after the jump, due in part to m'main man Justin O'Connor of Progressive Boink fame and his amazing tattoo designs.

The Dugout

	LongLiveGiambi: /reads from folded printout \ "... while it's been noted that Giambi's own production at the plate -- mainly his ability to blast balls through the heavy marine layer that taunts sluggers at Oakland Coliseum --
	LongLiveGiambi: ... will be a boon to A's pitchers, one aspect of his return that hasn't gotten much play is how his knowledge might benefit the team's mostly young and inexperienced staff."
	LongLiveGiambi: and by "staff" it means you guys
	EvelandSteamer: "Staff?" Since when are we a "staff?"
	TheZiegler: yeah Billy told us that the real staff died in a fire, and that we're just filling in until they can find some real people to pitch
	LongLiveGiambi: i don't know i got this from mlb.com, so /looks down at paper
	LongLiveGiambi: but anyway, if i'm to be a boon to you we should introduce ourselves, i know you're all like 16 but it's the mature thing to do
	LongLiveGiambi: my name is jason giambi, and i am deeply apologetic for doing steroids, even though my trainer told me it was a rectal balm, and that he was going to only put it ON my ass, and not...
	EvelandSteamer: apology accepted dude jesus christ
	TheZiegler: Hi. /holds out hand I'm Brad Ziegler.
	FruitOfDevine: I'm Joey Devine, I'm what Joba Chamberlain would be if he was good and nobody had ever heard of him.
	FruitOfDevine: You may also remember me as "Havok" from the short-lived group "Serotonin."
	GrayGardens: I'm Jeff Gray, and I don't have any wrestling jokes but somewhere there's a painting of me getting better at baseball
	EvelandSteamer: how are you supposed to help us with our pitching
	LongLiveGiambi: /shuffles papers
	LongLiveGiambi: "Giambi, 38, said he'll be more than happy to share with A's pitchers -- and catchers -- what he's learned from intently observing various American League hitters."
	LongLiveGiambi: i love watching guys! i do it all the time in The Dugout!
	FruitOfDevine: You're only 38? Ugh, you look like you're 60
	GrayGardens: you look like Ralph Kramden's corpse
	LongLiveGiambi: maybe in exchange for my fatherly advice like "watch out for manny ramirez, he hits the ball great!" you can help me get back to the "old me"
	EvelandSteamer: but you're already the old you
	LongLiveGiambi: no, i mean like this
	FruitOfDevine: When was David Arquette the new face of baseball?
	GrayGardens: and when did he gain so much weight
	LongLiveGiambi: when i went to play for New York® they made me shave, cut my hair, remove my tattoos and put sleeves on all of my t-shirts
	LongLiveGiambi: if you'll notice i am "scruffy," which is to "can't grow hair like that anymore" as "husky" is to "fat"
	TheZiegler: the Yankees made you remove your tattoo?
	FruitOfDevine: What was the one in the picture supposed to be?
	LongLiveGiambi: i can't really tell, but it looks like zarathos tearin' through the thorn bushes from the ghost rider/punisher/wolverine one shot "hearts of darkness"
	GrayGardens: did you let Kyle Farnsworth design your tattoo?
	LongLiveGiambi: nope, designed'r myself. and right now my upper arm looks like a big ass pillow imprint so i'm open to new tat ideas
	FruitOfDevine: What have you come up with so far?
	LongLiveGiambi: well, as jason giambi, i don't care about anything and nothing is important to me, so when i get a tattoo i want it to be a hieroglyphic of the words "bad ass" to strangers
	LongLiveGiambi: so here are my ideas:
	LongLiveGiambi: #1 - a snake popping a rad ass wheelie on a chopper, chompin on a stogie, wearin a leather vest that reads "get bent" in studs down the arm

	EvelandSteamer: is that snake riding a sanchez
	GrayGardens: looool did you give him a white man's arms
	LongLiveGiambi: i was gonna do a tattered denim vest and give him white guy biceps but i wanted any passing motorists to know that the should get to being bent
	LongLiveGiambi: #2 - a big tattoo on my chest of scott spiezio's wife tearing her way out from within me

	GrayGardens: scott spiezio's wife
	FruitOfDevine: Did you give yourself abdominal muscles in MS Paint?
	LongLiveGiambi: like i said, i'm getting back to the way i used to be
	FruitOfDevine: but you never looked like that, the closest you ever came to fit was looking like the dead guy from Drowning Pool
	LongLiveGiambi: #3 - an eagle with KISS makeup clutching an american flag guitar with "USA" under it

	LongLiveGiambi: to show my love of the USA, this tattoo will be accompanied by a continuous loop of "citizen soldier"
	TheZiegler: I LOVE IT
	GrayGardens: did kiss ever do any songs about the usa/being from there?
	LongLiveGiambi: no but their capitalist ideals represent the forward flow of democracy, and as the eagle fights for our freedoms his wings represent my-
	LongLiveGiambi: /looks through papers
	LongLiveGiambi: i forget. but you guys need to stop being jerks to me, i'm going to hit a bunch of home runs for you
	FruitOfDevine: Oh really?
	LongLiveGiambi: what, you don't believe me? here
	LongLiveGiambi: devine, you stand on first, gray, you stand on second, you... what's your name again
	TheZiegler: Hi. /holds out hand I'm Brad Ziegler.
	LongLiveGiambi: you stand on third. everybody, watch this, i'm gonna grand slam the sh** out of this ball
	Online Host The bases are now loaded.
	LongLiveGiambi: /takes stance
	LongLiveGiambi: wait, time out
	LongLiveGiambi: i forgot, i still need the sleeveless shirts, you guys stay where you are i'm gonna run over to dicks sporting goods with a pair of scissors, but i'll be RIGHT BACK
	Online Host LongLiveGiambi has left the chatroom.
	TheZiegler: /looks around
	GrayGardens: /sits down on base
	FruitOfDevine: whistles
	Online Host Half an hour later, everyone is still stranded on base.
	EvelandSteamer: yep, he's going to fit in perfectly here

Photos link to player info. (Photo Credit: Getty Images) WordUpThome.com

Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)

2-01-2009 @ 12:47AM

rumpomadness said...

Kudos, B. This has to be the first time that anyone anywhere has ever bothered making a Dolph Ziggler joke.

2-01-2009 @ 1:49AM

Simon said...

It's a big moment for Johnny Devine too. This is getting its own paragraph in the 2009 Devine Family Christmas card.

2-01-2009 @ 10:44AM

Crimbot said...

That one line is ambiguous--does his harm look like a very large pillow imprint, or a large imprint 'pon an ass pillow? I MUST KNOW.

Also, this is great.